Extreme shyness & never knowing what to say
I've suspected for years that I have HFA/Asperger's due to my unusual difficulty with socialising and understanding/reading people (among other things). (I hold no formal diagnosis.)
I've got a lot better at handling various aspects of my "condition", but I feel that since the Covid-19 lockdowns two related aspects have got markedly worse and I have no idea how to make repairs.
As the title suggests, these problems are: extreme shyness, where I can't make eye contact with strangers in passing, in shops, when ordering at a restaurant, or even when talking to work colleagues; and, secondly, when in groups of people I know, but not intimately, (such as company dinners) I find I never know what to say.
If my colleagues ask me questions (though, they usually don't), my answers are absurdly round-about and confusing. If they ask what kind of movies I like, for example, it takes me ages to answer. I have to tell them I like lots of types of movies, then give examples of movies belonging to these types. If I'm interrupted while answering, I lose my place, my cadence is knocked off, and I have no idea how to "resume".
When there's an opportunity for me to say something first – because everybody else has gone quiet, for example – I don't know what to say or ask. I might try to ask a colleague a question, like "Where do you call home?" / "Where do you live?", and I seem to always get a grudging answer back, with nothing to follow up on.
Sorry for the length of this post, but I feel the only way I can explain my problem is to give concrete examples. Even writing this out has helped clarify the problem in my own head. But...
I'm at a total loss how to get better at socialising or being confident. I feel my issues are really limiting my life, because I now only really leave work to meet friends I know really well (whom I can talk to reasonably well) or for work-related events. My life is limited and stagnant.
I appreciate any and all advice. Or even just knowing that I'm not the only one having these problems.
I've got a lot better at handling various aspects of my "condition", but I feel that since the Covid-19 lockdowns two related aspects have got markedly worse and I have no idea how to make repairs.
As the title suggests, these problems are: extreme shyness, where I can't make eye contact with strangers in passing, in shops, when ordering at a restaurant, or even when talking to work colleagues; and, secondly, when in groups of people I know, but not intimately, (such as company dinners) I find I never know what to say.
If my colleagues ask me questions (though, they usually don't), my answers are absurdly round-about and confusing. If they ask what kind of movies I like, for example, it takes me ages to answer. I have to tell them I like lots of types of movies, then give examples of movies belonging to these types. If I'm interrupted while answering, I lose my place, my cadence is knocked off, and I have no idea how to "resume".
When there's an opportunity for me to say something first – because everybody else has gone quiet, for example – I don't know what to say or ask. I might try to ask a colleague a question, like "Where do you call home?" / "Where do you live?", and I seem to always get a grudging answer back, with nothing to follow up on.
Sorry for the length of this post, but I feel the only way I can explain my problem is to give concrete examples. Even writing this out has helped clarify the problem in my own head. But...
I'm at a total loss how to get better at socialising or being confident. I feel my issues are really limiting my life, because I now only really leave work to meet friends I know really well (whom I can talk to reasonably well) or for work-related events. My life is limited and stagnant.
I appreciate any and all advice. Or even just knowing that I'm not the only one having these problems.
You are definitely not the only one. I hope that now in 2025 thare has been a slight improvement perhaps.
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