Extreme shyness & never knowing what to say

Page 1 of 1 [ 2 posts ] 

ColHamilton
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 16 Mar 2019
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 18

23 Nov 2023, 9:16 am

I've suspected for years that I have HFA/Asperger's due to my unusual difficulty with socialising and understanding/reading people (among other things). (I hold no formal diagnosis.)

I've got a lot better at handling various aspects of my "condition", but I feel that since the Covid-19 lockdowns two related aspects have got markedly worse and I have no idea how to make repairs.

As the title suggests, these problems are: extreme shyness, where I can't make eye contact with strangers in passing, in shops, when ordering at a restaurant, or even when talking to work colleagues; and, secondly, when in groups of people I know, but not intimately, (such as company dinners) I find I never know what to say.

If my colleagues ask me questions (though, they usually don't), my answers are absurdly round-about and confusing. If they ask what kind of movies I like, for example, it takes me ages to answer. I have to tell them I like lots of types of movies, then give examples of movies belonging to these types. If I'm interrupted while answering, I lose my place, my cadence is knocked off, and I have no idea how to "resume".

When there's an opportunity for me to say something first – because everybody else has gone quiet, for example – I don't know what to say or ask. I might try to ask a colleague a question, like "Where do you call home?" / "Where do you live?", and I seem to always get a grudging answer back, with nothing to follow up on.

Sorry for the length of this post, but I feel the only way I can explain my problem is to give concrete examples. Even writing this out has helped clarify the problem in my own head. But...

I'm at a total loss how to get better at socialising or being confident. I feel my issues are really limiting my life, because I now only really leave work to meet friends I know really well (whom I can talk to reasonably well) or for work-related events. My life is limited and stagnant.

I appreciate any and all advice. Or even just knowing that I'm not the only one having these problems.



Blackish
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 1 Feb 2025
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 2
Location: South Africa

06 Feb 2025, 10:14 am

ColHamilton wrote:
I've suspected for years that I have HFA/Asperger's due to my unusual difficulty with socialising and understanding/reading people (among other things). (I hold no formal diagnosis.)

I've got a lot better at handling various aspects of my "condition", but I feel that since the Covid-19 lockdowns two related aspects have got markedly worse and I have no idea how to make repairs.

As the title suggests, these problems are: extreme shyness, where I can't make eye contact with strangers in passing, in shops, when ordering at a restaurant, or even when talking to work colleagues; and, secondly, when in groups of people I know, but not intimately, (such as company dinners) I find I never know what to say.

If my colleagues ask me questions (though, they usually don't), my answers are absurdly round-about and confusing. If they ask what kind of movies I like, for example, it takes me ages to answer. I have to tell them I like lots of types of movies, then give examples of movies belonging to these types. If I'm interrupted while answering, I lose my place, my cadence is knocked off, and I have no idea how to "resume".

When there's an opportunity for me to say something first – because everybody else has gone quiet, for example – I don't know what to say or ask. I might try to ask a colleague a question, like "Where do you call home?" / "Where do you live?", and I seem to always get a grudging answer back, with nothing to follow up on.

Sorry for the length of this post, but I feel the only way I can explain my problem is to give concrete examples. Even writing this out has helped clarify the problem in my own head. But...

I'm at a total loss how to get better at socialising or being confident. I feel my issues are really limiting my life, because I now only really leave work to meet friends I know really well (whom I can talk to reasonably well) or for work-related events. My life is limited and stagnant.

I appreciate any and all advice. Or even just knowing that I'm not the only one having these problems.


You are definitely not the only one. I hope that now in 2025 thare has been a slight improvement perhaps.