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Why Do People Refuse To Practice Social Skills?

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Jayo
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25 Apr 2025, 7:49 pm

belijojo wrote:
I've heard the idea that you need to be aggressive when you first meet someone so you don't get bullied in subsequent interactions. I think this is a distorted social skills born out of a toxic environment, and unwillingness to learn.But I don't have the ability to tell at a glance whether the environment is really friendly.


Ummm...I think you just described prison culture!! 8O

Yeah, it's definitely distorted. Maybe you heard that idea at a rough school??

Can't see this being the case in SOOO many other contexts.



Edna3362
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25 Apr 2025, 9:36 pm

belijojo wrote:
I've heard the idea that you need to be aggressive when you first meet someone so you don't get bullied in subsequent interactions. I think this is a distorted social skills born out of a toxic environment, and unwillingness to learn.But I don't have the ability to tell at a glance whether the environment is really friendly.

Incidentally, that was by very first go-to strategy... As a kid.
Not that I need to be aggressive nor I was told to -- more like that just how I was at a really young age that I had a no choice in the matter, developmentally.

I was constantly very dysregulated, it might as well be the only thing I can access to express myself.
And because I got pride, I don't run, I fight. Was too angry to feel fear.

Didn't matter if the environment was toxic or not, because I'm still dysregulated regardless of how I was treated as a kid.

Maybe I got it from my parents.
They're the ones who's fighting a lot in my presence and that's practically the only real memory I ever remembered about both of them unless they're on the phone or something.


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ArticVixen
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26 Apr 2025, 12:51 am

Honestly, I just have never made the effort. I am more focused on other stuff and socializing is least of my priorities. I hardly relate to anyone at my job anyways and I have the lack of transportation to meet up with my old highschool friends.

This isn't to use as a crutch but trauma has hindered my social anxiety and I often wonder if I have C-PSTD. I do relate to a lot of the posts on that one subreddit.

I feel the 9-5 lifestyle and having a family takes up your free time to go out and about. Not that I have kids but I still take care of my siblings even if they are near their adult years. My dad on the other hand often declines his friend's offer to go golfing due to his daily errands like shopping. They at least occasionally talk on the phone.



belijojo
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26 Apr 2025, 7:03 am

Jayo wrote:
belijojo wrote:
I've heard the idea that you need to be aggressive when you first meet someone so you don't get bullied in subsequent interactions. I think this is a distorted social skills born out of a toxic environment, and unwillingness to learn.But I don't have the ability to tell at a glance whether the environment is really friendly.


Ummm...I think you just described prison culture!! 8O

Yeah, it's definitely distorted. Maybe you heard that idea at a rough school??

Can't see this being the case in SOOO many other contexts.

This is how it is said, whether at home or in formal schools, etc., except for textbooks. "Perhaps this is the special feature of East Asia that is different from other places"I guess.


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Mona Pereth
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13 May 2025, 9:41 pm

utterly absurd wrote:
It's always been hard for me to separate "social skills" from "masking". For a while I tried to learn social skills until I could talk to someone for a couple minutes and (I like to think) sound almost normal. But I didn't enjoy these conversations and I didn't feel like I was connecting with these people. The first time I did enjoy a conversation and feel like I was connecting was with an autistic person who, I realized, was conversing exactly how I would if I hadn't tried to learn social skills. That was when I realized I wasn't just learning social skills, I was masking, and I needed to stop if I ever wanted to actually connect with people. That friend and I always have very unorthodox conversations that we both enjoy. I still practice basic politeness, especially with people like professors where the point isn't just to chat, but that mostly amounts to not being a jerk, rather than trying to be like everyone else.

My point is that social skills haven't really helped me very much. What's helped me is finding people who don't care if my social skills aren't good.

I think it's important to distinguish two very different kinds of "social skills." It is important to distinguish between (1) conformity to NT norms
(e.g. regarding eye contact) and (2) what I call autistic-friendly social skills, the kinds of skills autistic people would need just to get along with other, even if there were no NT's in the world and no pressure to conform to NT norms.


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14 May 2025, 2:44 pm

I've reached 50, had autistic diagnosis for a year, and my desire to socialize has left the building. I tried and failed. I'd rather spend my time doing other things. Especially as I work full time (which actually is enough socializing) and have two young children. My parents didn't have friends with children my age, and I'm following suit. My kids don't see friends of mine come round, because I don't have any. One person I message from my childhood, my parents and sister, and my partner and our two kids. 99.9% of everybody else I've ever met I'm not in contact with (even my partner's family I'm not really in contact with). Sometimes it was barriers such as simply not having anyone to socialize with - spent pretty much my first three decades in a small village (except for university but socially that was a disaster, and to be honest, was better off without them). Then the first decade of my working life was spent in factories and warehouses as a complete nobody, alone at noisy machines nobody to shout conversations with everyone older than me. When I finally did get to a workplace with younger people... I'd got older, and they all looked down at me because I clearly had some sort of issues - what I never knew until a couple of years ago.