Eye contact - anyone else put a lot of thought in to it?

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Eye contact is an extremely important non-verbal conversational cue. It can say a lot about what you want, what you find interesting, and what kind of person you are. Consequently whenever I'm talking to a person, I feel pressured to look in places and time my eye saccades in a way that appropriately shows my feelings towards the conversation. It feels extremely difficult and laborious to me to do this. Most people say "do what comes naturally" or "look at what other people are doing". What comes naturally for me is staring off in to space (I like to let my words do the talking), and seeing what others do next to impossible without staring right at their eyes for a prolonged period of time, which is awkward as f**k.

There are tons of places to look in a conversation, here are a few with my opinions of what they convey:
1. Look at the talker in the eyes - MUST do at least occasionally, but not for too long in any one stretch.
2. Look slightly to the side of the talker - a good place to idle before returning to their eyes/face
3. Look at a large angle (45 degrees or more) to the talker - Shows disinterest
4. Look at a person in the group who isn't talking - Often awkward and unwanted, especially if they look at you and you reflexively look away.
5. Look at something down in front of you, like a book or laptop - Conveys slight disinterest, especially if held for a long time.
6. Loosely looking around the the talkers face and eyes - seems to create the most comfortable situation. Has an air of trust as well as keeping the other person honest. I think this is what most people do most of the time, combined with #2.
7. Look at something moving - Such as a person walking by, or a bird flying by outside the window. Very acceptable (impossible to fake because of 'smooth tracking', so the other person thinks 'oh they saw something moving and got distracted'), although done too often can give the impression of ADD.
8. Choosing a person when 2 are talking - Don't go back and forth! Choose one and stick to it or it seems like you're confused. It also makes people very aware you're making a decision between the 2, which can hurt someone's feelings when you finally pick one.

Then there are many issues of timing:
1. Looking away the moment you are looked at. This makes the other person think you are nervous or scared, and they can often start to unconsciously do the same thing to you, which can spiral out of control in to a guilt/shame-seeming sort of thing (even if that emotion isn't actually there)
2. Unintentionally looking at their crotch or chest, and immediately looking away when looked at. I look away because I don't want to be staring at their boobs or whatever, but looking away when looked at (especially many times) comes across just as creepy.
3. Starting in to the person's eyes for too long. May convey sexual interest or appear creepy.
4. Changing locations too often. You may appear "shifty-eyed" or untrustworthy or uneasy and anxious.
5. Changing locations too rarely. You may appear bored, inattentive or disinterested.
6. Triggering saccades based on others' saccades. Again, appears jumpy or anxious. May also appear passive or a "follower" because you are following their timing lead on when to change locations.

And don't even get me started on blinking or how wide my eyes should be open! Oh and what direction my head is facing, what my posture is, what I'm doing with my hands, the pitch and volume of my voice... All this combined with actually speaking and listening is pretty overwhelming.

Yes, I'm over-intellectualizing it but I don't know how else to improve. What do you all do in regards to eye contact? Do you even think about it? Do you have any general 'rules'?

Welcome to Wrong Planet

And well written first post.

This is a common topic here at WP and this is the first time I've noticed someone try to break it down into a science. You bring up some good strategies.

Lately, I've been trying to work on "the triangle" or looking around someone face; few seconds on one eye, few on the next, few on the mouth and then starting it over or mixing it up a bit. The problem with this is it tends to come across as mechanical. Another side effect of this is I'll start actually noticing things on their face, a freckle here, a hair there, which can make the person uncomfortable.

Wikipedia has an interesting quote on eye contact:

I can usually do eye-contact pretty well when the other person is talking, I think I go between eyes and mouth, pretty naturally. When I talk myself it depends on how well I know the person. If I don't know them very well my eyes kind of dart around and I sometimes look in their eyes, sometimes at the walls or my hands and I tend to tilt my head when I talk.

When I'm not talking and the other person is not talking to me, or not just to me, then I don't know where to look and I get uncomfortable. In a group I'll look at whoever's talking, but I often look away when they look at me (which is bad, I know).

I absolutely loathe looking strangers in the eye when there's no conversation. I had a really bad day today and I was cursing on the inside for people to stop staring at me. Someone looks at me and I notice, then they lock eyes with me with these sheepish disgusting look on their face band I actually feel violated. It's like they probe around inside me with their eyes. Windows to the soul - my *ss. I don't want them to see my soul and I have no interest in theirs. It's okay with kids under the age of three, their eyes don't judge.

I feel like people look right into me and when it's strangers it feels like I'm being touched inappropriatly. But where can you look when someone looks you square in the face?

People with issues with nonverbal communication are getting bad press. The public at large is getting a dangerous impression of people with unusual facial expression.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=f2c_1251276943

Thanks for posting the link to that book, NicksQuestions. It looks like it could be helpful.

My problem in trying to learn behaviours is always that my attention wanes. It is an important and necessary skill-set but a distraction from what I'd most like to be ready and spending my time on. Aspie focus issue *sigh*

Good responses so far. I like the idea of "the triangle", although I usually feel odd looking at people's mouth because I feel it makes them self-conscious, but that's probably a bias I have that isn't necessarily true.

Right after posting this, I had an interesting situation that I think may actually cause me the most trouble. In a group of 3 or more people, when the person who is talking is looking at someone other than myself, I have no idea where to look. If I look directly at the talker and he doesn't look back at me, it seems awkward. I've noticed after a while though, the talker sort of learns to look at me if I continue looking at him/her. But staring at the talker without him/her looking at you can seem creepy, especially if you make the mistake of looking away when he/she finally looks at you.

Another issue in the same situation: I often don't speak my portion of the time (if there's 4 people, i speak less than 1/4th the time). If I am still reacting with my eyes and face but talking rarely, I noticed this puts some people off. I think it makes me appear standoffish because I'm not actually participating. I don't do it because I rarely think the things I think are worth saying.

Foxfaction said:

I used to avoid eye contact naturally, but now I seem to be thinking about avoiding it. I think it's because I've gotten in the habit of looking people in the eye because of my job, but I still find it really uncomfortable.

When I first became acutely conscious of eye contact I misunderstood and would seek it out, trying to make eye contact with everyone as they walked by causing me in turn irrationally freak out when they would make eye contact back. It was difficult for a while.

On a list of skills, eye contact would be on the very bottom, I'm terrible at it. With the exception being around close friends or family.

In a professional environment, I force myself to make awkward eye contact for the short duration that it's needed. In public, I hardly make any eye contact, so much so that I don't notice a friend standing a few feet away. I'm really bad at making eye contact with people in my age group or who are attractive.

And I hate being stared at! I'm in a band and one of their friends came over to watch us practice. I ended up singing to the wall because I felt so awkward.

Eye contact has been my self-improvement project for the past several months, and I've made a lot of progress. It's not quite so laborious, I don't accidentally look away as often, and I can look people in the eye while more or less paying attention to what they're saying as well. I don't gain any sort of connection or understanding from watching someone's eyeballs, and sometimes I cross the line between eye contact and staring, but it's still progress.

One rule to add: One of the most crucial times to make eye contact is when you're telling somebody that you understand what they're saying. If you glance away when you say this, the person will think you don't really understand.

I was actually going to post a topic about the same thing xD
I'm really bad at eye contact. If I try to look someone in the eye I tend to give an unnatural stare that unnerves people. If I don't look at them, they think I'm not listening. It's most troubling because I work at a till and have to deal with people all the time. I've gotten into the habit of repeating what people are ordering back to them, just to show I'm paying attention. But that can make me come across as simple. I'd really like to just work in the kitchen, but my good English means I'm always needed at the counter