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Wanting too much and having nothing to give

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Magnus
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21 Jan 2010, 11:25 am

I am a recovering narcissist. Gentle narcissism is much more common than overt narcissism, but it can be equally damaging to the individual and those close to him/her. It is much more common in shy/introverted types. I think recognition of this is the first step toward recovery.

http://gertischoen.net/Gentle_Narcissist.html

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I Want Too Much, I Have Nothing to Give: Empty Relationships and Difficulties in Committing

Many narcissists were told or made to feel that they always want too much: Because the caretaker was unaware or did not know what a child needs, he or she eventually develops the conviction that his needs are overwhelming and hard to deal with. Because she was never nurtured appropriately, she herself becomes to a degree unable to give to others what is needed to sustain a meaningful relationship.

Feelings of worthlessness and self-effacing or downright self-destructive behavior are a common occurrence. Because they feel useless and not appreciated, gentle narcissists often remain paralyzed in social situations, always craving for someone to approach them and pay attention to them. Although often interpreted as passive-aggressiveness, gentle and introverted narcissists have no other choice than to retreat this way in order to protect their vulnerable self from injury. By nurturing self-esteem in them, therapy helps them to become more proactive in their life.


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Shadwell
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21 Jan 2010, 2:20 pm

I think we can come off as narcissistic because we are introverted and often don't have a lot of friends, if any, and don't always reciprocate in the "normal" way.



Magnus
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21 Jan 2010, 2:51 pm

I think that being autistic as children, the caregiver is unlikely to understand the needs of the child and so it could cause gentle narcissism.


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Apple_in_my_Eye
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21 Jan 2010, 4:41 pm

That description makes sense to me, but I don't see why that's described as "narcissism." I thought narcissists loved themselves excessively; think they are the greatest/ best person who ever lived. That sounds like the exact opposite of that. I don't like how if someone is a bit shielded due to self-preservation/sensitivity they get labelled "selfish" or "narcissistic."

The description reminds me a bit of complex-PTSD, though with not-as-dramatic trauma -- that neglect can cause attachment problems like neediness, isolation, fear of abandonment, lack of knowing how to "give and take," etc etc.

I agree about autism making it more likely in otherwise ordinary circumstances.



Paradox-db3
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21 Jan 2010, 8:13 pm

Shadwell wrote:
I think we can come off as narcissistic because we are introverted and often don't have a lot of friends, if any, and don't always reciprocate in the "normal" way.

Yup, I hear ya!



Magnus
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21 Jan 2010, 9:31 pm

Apple_in_my_Eye wrote:
That description makes sense to me, but I don't see why that's described as "narcissism." I thought narcissists loved themselves excessively; think they are the greatest/ best person who ever lived. That sounds like the exact opposite of that. I don't like how if someone is a bit shielded due to self-preservation/sensitivity they get labelled "selfish" or "narcissistic."

The description reminds me a bit of complex-PTSD, though with not-as-dramatic trauma -- that neglect can cause attachment problems like neediness, isolation, fear of abandonment, lack of knowing how to "give and take," etc etc.

I agree about autism making it more likely in otherwise ordinary circumstances.


There is overt narcissism, which is the typical type we think of: Flamboyant, attention seeking and so forth, but more common is the introverted narcissist. They used to be called covert narcissists. Often, these types intuitively recognize their narcissistec traits, but they still are unconscious of it.

It is common for gentle narcissists to HATE overt narcissists; the type that go on facebook and have a thousand friends and brag about their life. People hate what they hate in themselves. Often we are not fully aware of our short comings. Being aware of this is the first step toward recovery.


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ToadOfSteel
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22 Jan 2010, 1:54 am

The article makes sense, and the idea that issues in a childs upbringing affects them later in life is nothing new (and would explain a lot of what i'm going through), but I don't understand the usage of the term narcissist in this context. A narcissist, by definition, places himself above all other things, often bordering on megalomania. Hardly the case here... it almost seems as though the condition described is a form of anti-narcissism. Perhaps it's the same root cause, but producing the exact opposite result.



Magnus
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22 Jan 2010, 2:22 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
The article makes sense, and the idea that issues in a childs upbringing affects them later in life is nothing new (and would explain a lot of what i'm going through), but I don't understand the usage of the term narcissist in this context. A narcissist, by definition, places himself above all other things, often bordering on megalomania. Hardly the case here... it almost seems as though the condition described is a form of anti-narcissism. Perhaps it's the same root cause, but producing the exact opposite result.


Yeah, it's quite the opposite but it's still on the spectrum.


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ghostpawn
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23 Jan 2010, 7:22 pm

I don't see many references to it outside that one website.

However, I find it very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, which has been around for a while.


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Fluffybunnyfeet
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24 Jan 2010, 11:28 pm

The headings in the linked article do relate to a fair number of people with Asperger's (I am Overwhelmed: The Inability to Make Decisions, I Am a Nuisance: The Basic Right to be Loved) but have NOTHING to do with narcissism.

For future articles, may I suggest the following - Beneficial Paranoia, Tender Trichotillomania... or perhaps Lilting Depression?