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Should I accept the request?
No 100%  100%  [ 9 ]
Yes 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 9

Lene
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16 Mar 2010, 3:16 pm

Yes, seriously I am asking for honest, blunt advice. Feel free to give it if you want, though no personal attacks please.

My ex has re-added me on facebook after deleting me a number of months ago.

We were not speaking for ages because he turned up at my house and posted creepy letters again (when I ignored them, he later claimed I really let him down). We made up briefly (as friends) a month later but then I dropped him again because the same evening he started making really disgusting jokes about me and put up photo-shopped pictures of me on his facebook page and in front a group we both belong to.

I returned to ignoring him and a result, he deleted me from his facebook page. I was a bit upset by this; stupid I know, since I didn't want to talk to him anyway. I guess I would have preferred an apology or something for how he acted. It was probably a good thing because 'out of sight, out of mind' etc...

We weren't speaking since but he has since given me a birthday card (I felt like ripping it up, but it was in front of the rest of the group) and we have been more-or-less polite to each other in group emails.

And now he's added me back.

I looked at his page (it's mainly private, but if someone's added you, you get a limited view) but I can't see a lot. Some of the albums have either been deleted or are private.

I'll admit, there's a large part of me that's morbidly curious, but I don't want to get hung up on him again. He was a complete piece of s**t during and after the relationship. I don't want to go into the details, but seriously, trust me on this! Also, my current boyfriend is a really nice guy and I do love him. It took me ages to get over my ex, and my current bf and I started going out before the feelings had cleared, so I was very confused for a while. Whilst I never cheated on either of them, I don't want to start developing feelings for my ex again; it wouldn't be fair on my boyfriend.

So, basically it should be a no-brainer. I should cancel the request and forget it, but I don't like actively dropping people or seeming rude (we're still in the same group). Also, I guess there's a part of me that would have liked the friendship to survive. We were friends for ages before I got a new boyfriend and he got jealous and started demanding I dump him (this was months after he broke up with me). I also don't know if I could trust him again after the disgusting things he said about me.

One thing that may be affecting my judgement is that my current boyfriend is still friends with one of his exes. I don't like it at all, but I don't think it's right to force someone to ditch a friend. I might feel worse afterwards if I tried. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if I were still friends with my ex. This is probably a stupid reason though, to be honest....

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. I guess I'm hoping for a wake-up call/ solution to all problems. It's partially to look at my own thoughts written down. ...

I'm really toying with the idea of re-adding him for a few minutes just to see what's up, but I doubt he'll comment. Also, it may be far to easy to get sucked into checking up on updates and obsessing etc, so I think it has to be either delete straight out, or re-add... I'm also worried that if I re-add, I'll find he's written more s**t about me and that would really make me angry that I gave him yet another chance... :(

Sorry, I know this really sounds stupid. Everything is telling me to delete the request, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Do facebook requests fade over time if no one responds?



Peko
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16 Mar 2010, 4:03 pm

If I were you, I'd delete it b/c you said he deleted you or you deleted him from your friend list previously. I had a small problem with a friend that I wanted to delete from my facebook myself but as he hasn't contacted me or commented about me since, I let it go. Since this guy has been cruel via facebook in the past, I wouldn't risk it. But if its really bugging you I'd talk to your boyfriend (to get a comparison to his ex relationships vs. this one). Plus it might help you think more clearly.


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Lene
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16 Mar 2010, 4:19 pm

Peko wrote:
If I were you, I'd delete it b/c you said he deleted you or you deleted him from your friend list previously. I had a small problem with a friend that I wanted to delete from my facebook myself but as he hasn't contacted me or commented about me since, I let it go. Since this guy has been cruel via facebook in the past, I wouldn't risk it. But if its really bugging you I'd talk to your boyfriend (to get a comparison to his ex relationships vs. this one). Plus it might help you think more clearly.


Thanks Peko :) . He deleted me, but I think it was in retaliation to me ignoring him. Normally, I would be the same as you; I prefer to just ignore people I don't like, rather than go to lengths to actively remove them.

I mentioned the request to my boyfriend and he's against me re-adding him (fair enough; he knows my ex tried to get me to break up with him). His own relationship with his ex girlfriend is platonic (she lives in a different country, so they are just penpals; according to him, they email each other about once every fortnight). He says she has a boyfriend and they are definitely just friends. I guess I have a hard time trusting this because of the way my ex boyfriend has acted.

I think I might just ignore the request and let him take it down himself.



Laz
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16 Mar 2010, 4:38 pm

It just sounds like immature power games of a person unable to deal with adult emotions in an appropriate manor.

You know I am a total hypocrit when I say this as I am perfectly partaken to that morbid curiosity in my previous partners as well, sometimes :lol:
But the problem with doing that is sometimes you can find things out about people that can be quite hurtful or shocking to you so it can always backfire. Someone I know was recording MSN conversations of his fiance at the time. They found out their partner had been cheating on them multiple times etc your usual buisness but then came the real shocker. She had been having an affair with his dad and that lead to some....interesting family dilema's to the say the least.

So just be aware not everything you may find will be pleasent.



Lene
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16 Mar 2010, 5:12 pm

Laz wrote:
It just sounds like immature power games of a person unable to deal with adult emotions in an appropriate manor.


That would describe him very well. To be honest, I have a strong suspicion that if I ignore this request, his next step will be to email me with another huge rambling sob story. :roll:

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You know I am a total hypocrit when I say this as I am perfectly partaken to that morbid curiosity in my previous partners as well, sometimes :lol:


I don't think you're a hypocrite at all; I think everyone does stuff sometimes that they know is a really bad idea at heart. I'm actually quite relieved to hear other people are also curious about exes.

Quote:
But the problem with doing that is sometimes you can find things out about people that can be quite hurtful or shocking to you so it can always backfire. Someone I know was recording MSN conversations of his fiance at the time. They found out their partner had been cheating on them multiple times etc your usual buisness but then came the real shocker. She had been having an affair with his dad and that lead to some....interesting family dilema's to the say the least.

So just be aware not everything you may find will be pleasent.


Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. The group we are in isn't very active at the moment, and I am no longer in contact with any of his mutual friends, so if I ignore it, at least I can walk away with my dignity intact (or at any rate, my ignorance!).

Your poor friend! That must really have sucked :(



Laz
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16 Mar 2010, 5:40 pm

Quote:
That would describe him very well. To be honest, I have a strong suspicion that if I ignore this request, his next step will be to email me with another huge rambling sob stor


OH well you could always "accidentally" post them on a message board for us to laugh at. Hey bare in mind he photoshopped your pics i'd call it even.

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I don't think you're a hypocrite at all; I think everyone does stuff sometimes that they know is a really bad idea at heart. I'm actually quite relieved to hear other people are also curious about exes.


Well were only human. and nosey. Sometimes its out of wanting to know how someone you had some good times with is getting along. Sometimes it's just to see how far some people have let themselves go after you knew them.

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Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. The group we are in isn't very active at the moment, and I am no longer in contact with any of his mutual friends, so if I ignore it, at least I can walk away with my dignity intact (or at any rate, my ignorance!).

Your poor friend! That must really have sucked


His family are pretty much dysfunctional now.

What do you mean by group anyway is it some kind of interest group or a clique of friends from where you are that you can't exactly avoid as they all live within your area of habitation?



Lene
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16 Mar 2010, 5:59 pm

Laz wrote:
OH well you could always "accidentally" post them on a message board for us to laugh at. Hey bare in mind he photoshopped your pics i'd call it even.


lol, tempting! collegehumour.com here I come :P

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What do you mean by group anyway is it some kind of interest group or a clique of friends from where you are that you can't exactly avoid as they all live within your area of habitation?


It's (was?) a college club. I call it a group because it's become increasingly dysfunctional over the past couple of years. The same old faces hang around, but nothing gets done, though there's a lot of talk. Most of the old members would have been my ex's high school friends, but they've graduated and left.



Laz
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16 Mar 2010, 6:46 pm

Sometimes an old group just becomes stale and too clique for its own good without a fresh injection of blood.

I think there just comes a time were staying in such groups becomes a stagnation in your life. And staying any longer is just simply for comfort of familairity not for enjoyment. You retain the friendships that are important from such groups anyway. I still have friends from college even though I've been away from my home town for 6+ years now I go back and I pick up were I left off with these friendships. Were as I think there are hundred of other people who have come and gone in my life there are certain select few friendships that seem to endure regardless of your circumstances.

I remember being in transition when I finished my GCSE's and I choose to goto an FE college instead of sixth form. Overnight I suddenly had a completly new group of friends and my old school friends became a distant memory. I think such transitions are beneficial for your personal development as you then almost start with a fresh canvas with no reputation from your past or any kind of stigma you recieved hangs onto you.



radiohead234
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19 Mar 2010, 6:38 pm

Don't. He sounds kinda creepy. This reminds me of this one story of me and my friend/ex-friend/ex-girlfriend...

Long story short, she was a slut who liked to f**k with guys... in more ways than one.



Lene
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19 Mar 2010, 9:04 pm

radiohead234 wrote:
Don't. He sounds kinda creepy. This reminds me of this one story of me and my friend/ex-friend/ex-girlfriend...

Long story short, she was a slut who liked to f**k with guys... in more ways than one.


Thanks. I'm not quite sure if I see the relevance in telling me that about your ex girlfriend, and I'd prefer if you'd tone down the language in future :roll: .

Laz, thanks for sharing your story. I think you're right; it's gone stale and it's time to move on. A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to cope with the idea, but it doesn't bother me anymore.



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19 Mar 2010, 9:49 pm

I wouldn't accept his friends request. He deleted you, he treated you bad in the relationship, now he wants you as a friend?



Lene
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20 Mar 2010, 4:38 am

League_Girl wrote:
I wouldn't accept his friends request. He deleted you, he treated you bad in the relationship, now he wants you as a friend?


Well, we tried being friends but that didn't work out. You've summerised things pretty well though, and looking at it, it really is a no-brainer.

I ignored the request this morning. Thanks for the advice everyone and to the people who did the polls. I know this was kind of a big song and dance over nothing much, but I just felt I needed to think things through and get other people's advice before I acted.



PLA
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20 Mar 2010, 5:46 am

If you had just had a fight, or become disinterested with eachother, I would have recommended adding him. But he sounds like someone I would punch.


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