I talk to people but can't seem to make friends

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I realized that I talk to new people I meet but I can't seem to make friends with them. An example would be last year when I was in 1st year university. I talked to some people in my residence but somehow I didn't end up being friends with many of them. Like no one would come up to my room and inform me that a group of people were about to go down to the cafe to eat or hang out somewhere. The only time I met up with people in the cafe was when I would see my housemates by coincidence. By the end of the year, I somehow was able to go and knock on the door of only one other person to meet up to eat in the cafe. And even he rarely invited me to go to the cafe to eat with him. Sometimes he just went with a group of friends without inviting me, as if he didn't want me to eat with a huge group of friends.

My parents always said to me "just start talking to other people and you will make friends." Well, it turns out this isn't working so well. But I don't blame my parents. I understand that for NTs, making friends is as easy as simply talking to other people.

I hear you. Was the same for me all through school, all through life. I'm twice your age+. I've been "successful" so no one seems to understand I need help to learn to be even moderately successful socially. Try to get some help for this. It will make employment and finding it much easier later on. Maybe your school has some courses/counselling for this kind of thing?

You could be doing everything right, and this will still happen. Since this is 1st year university, it's probably along the lines of they don't peg you as the drinking/partying/womanizing type, so they don't hang out with you as much as they would otherwise. I had the same problem with 1st year university. Once I established drinking habits, I was invited to do things, and not just parties with alcohol. I went to strip clubs and stuff like that. And, once that was established, they sat with me at lunch, and we did things in dorm rooms. I even had a girl try to have sex with me. Isn't alcohol great? So that's probably what it is. I've found that most of these people aren't worth my time. That's one of the "problems" with AS: being almost too practical to hang out with such losers. Normal people get themselves into stupid situations like getting drunk and waking up next to a girl they don't know, or totaling their car, or getting drinking violations, or getting speeding tickets, or pretty much any situations that's really easy to avoid. Are those the kinds of people you want to hang out with? I don't talk to anyone from that place since I left, and for good reason. Sure, drunk people can be entertaining at times, but its hard to find people with the same interests at university, where everyone wants to drink and have sex.

Yup.. I know exactly what you mean.. not what to do about it or anything.. It's always perplexed me, how people know when someone is a friend, when they might want to do something, when it's okay to ask if they want to do something.. I guess I don't have much to say but that I know how you feel.

I have always found sucess in making friends at school in the international club. Most international students work too hard and have higher standards than to waste away their potential on sex, drugs, alcohol, and stupidity. Most of my friends in college were from international club meetings...plus most of them have a hard time with american social rules and are looking for friends too. Plus you can get friends in the strangest situations, like one of my good friends is a african american muslim woman. We met at the international club because she says that the international club is more accepting of her, but we did not become friends until I saw the psycho-religious bus driver harrasing her and telling her that she is going to hell...blah blah blah. I stood up for her...told him where to get off at...and then reported him to his boss. She really took a liking to me after that and we have been friends even after she graduated.

Sometimes specailty clubs are best to meet ppl with your interests...like some schools have an anime club, science club etc etc. Dont try to hang out with the popular kids...they are too self asorbed, find someone else who is struggling for a friend. When you go to lunch..seek out the person who always sits by themselves too and even though they are not the most popular people, you may find that they are smarter and more cherished friendship may evolve. It may take some asking them to join you more than a few times cause they may be timid.
best wishes.

It isn't necessarily easy for NTs to make friends either, it depends on how extroverted you are.
If you take some time to think about how you meet new people, how you act with them, what you talk about, you may perhaps do a few things to make it easier to make people interested in meeting you again.

- What do you do when you meet new people? Do you look into their eyes, smile and say "hi" and ask how they're doing?
Genuinely trying to act interested in their well-being? If so: good!

- Are you a good listener? Are you able (and willing) to feign interest in what the other people say? Do you know how to pose follow-up questions to what they say? ("Is it a difficult subject?" "So when's your exam?") If so: good!

- What do you tell about yourself? Are you able to talk about other things than your special interests? Or are you able to limit how much you talk about them? Are you able to understand that people often just want a very, very short introduction to special subjects in the beginning and then they expect you to leave it? If so: good!

Getting new friends is harder work for some than for others, but the point is: It's easier if you genuinely try to develop a sense of interest in your potential friend's life.

I have a friend who's hard work to be with (she's complained to almost everybody around her that it's so difficult to make friends) because she just talks about herself and she's not really interested in listening and giving adequate responses to what other people are saying. The interaction with her is a one-way street and not many people can be bothered with being with her for that reason.

Hi

I agree with Captain Kirk. However if people can't accept you without using alcohol or drugs they aren't real friends. Real friends are hard to find. They accept you the way you are. Friendship has to come from both sides. Real friends can sit in one room without having to talk with eachother. Normal people do weird things and they are cowards as well. They need to fill themselves up with alcohol or drugs to do 'brave' things, like asking a girl for a dance. Those people in you Uni are as insecure as you are, that's why they use 'bigtalk', alcohol or drugs.

It sounds like you have in common that you live in the same residence. The other people who go to the cafe in a group may have other things in common. For instance, they may go to the same classes, be in the rowing club, or have come from the same town.

I'm 41 and when I was your age had the same difficulty making friends. Since then I have had times in my life when I have had groups of friends to hang out with. Each time it was based around a common activity - a volunteer conservation group, a music society, a judo club, or work. Sometimes a regular group don't become friends, but you do at least have some companionship during those scheduled times when you are working or playing together.

HTH

I have the same problem. I'm confused by it all. It's another one of life's mysteries.
I knew a girl who was really rough, and really selfish and ignorant, and always snapped at her friends when they weren't doing what she asked them to do, and really awkward and could get nasty, and had a very low IQ, and I could tell she wasn't good with social rules - but she still seems to have lots of friends on facebook and has a boyfriend (who wasn't like her at all), and so I can tell she will get on through life without loosing many friends, even though she is the most difficult person to be with. Even I couldn't cope with her. How does she do it?

Also, my cousin is the same age as me, and he doesn't speak to many people, and don't even smile, and he mutters and mumbles a lot, and mostly his sentences aren't no more than three words, and he's a very strange lad. Even his mum has worried about him before. The teachers at school said he did lack social skills - and when you lack social skills, you are doomed. But lately he seems to be having a life of his own - he goes to parties with friends, he goes away on holidays.... How does he do it? And I've seen him with friends - he doesn't say much to them. I say more to people than what he does, and yet I can't keep friends at all.

When I find I like another youngster's company (male or female), I chat, I listen to them, I laugh, I make them laugh, I say the right thing usually, I have eye-contact, I have personality, I don't waffle on about myself, I share interests, I usually have at least one thing in common with someone, I enjoy small-talk, I don't even show my shy side, I even get compliments from them that I'm ''good company'', but I still don't find myself going places with them and becoming real friends. So what more do people want from me? And then I know others who seem to act the same to people as what I do, and they get friends fighting over them. So this is where I find I take my lack of friends personally. Even if I am a little different, surely I'm not completely different. Am I???