Talk less or care less

Post Reply New Topic

I always have to have a mindset to stick with one of these extremes in a social situation. It's difficult for me to interact long without saying some offensive, irrelevant, or just plain weird, which discourages further social interaction.

My options are:

Talk less: mostly speak when spoken to and think about everything I say carefully. Keeps my foot out of my mouth, but is not enjoyable and makes me seem very aloof.

Care less: Autopilot mode. Speak my mind and do whatever feels natural. It's a lot more fun this way, but it's only a matter of time til my social mistakes add up and my welcome wears out. Then I'm either forced to leave or move to the "talk less" method.

I fluctuate between the two. I'm on "care less" now, but after enough recieving enough flak it just becomes more work than it's worth, so I move to the lazier "talk less". But then it gets too boring, so it's back to "care less" again.

Anyone else feel they're on this perpetual seesaw?

How about another mindset--how long can you keep the conversation going? Sort of like playing ping pong--not playing to win, but to keep the ball bouncing back and forth.

Have nothing in your mouth which is not useful or beautiful.

I like the Buddhist concept of 'right speech'. Really helped me out.

I think we all probably exist on this tightrope. I quite like being a bit more free and easy. I think attitude helps a lot. If I say something weird, I just laugh it off and carry on. If you start going ''oh my golly, I did something weird, how awful'' in your head, then it comes out in your behaviour. I think other people often respond more badly to that than anything else.

I think it depends on my mood. I know if I'm in a bad mood (it happens) or anxious, then I can't trust myself so much, so I tend to button up a bit more.

I quite like to have 'designated friends' who I can freak out with a bit, makes biting my lip easier when you have to. I am lucky enough to have people in my life I can say just about anything too.

The more we speak the more we are telling NTs that socially we are a toddler. Most NTs would not respect such a person. They might play social games with us, treat us like their slaves or exploit us differently. Most said things also has indirect meaning which we do not understand and therefore do not intend. When NTs discover this then they realize that our foolish socially. Speaking more, except when it is about your special interest and when it is required, is always debases us.

Perhaps the problem is that many of us try to run, before we learn to walk. A lot of us have insights or ideas we wish to share that would be difficult even for an NT to explain to another NT. Needless to say, the result is rarely pretty.

Instead of sharing difficult insights, many of us need to practice on stuff that is easier--such as getting NTs to talk more about themselves. Or learning to ask basic questions to better understand the folks we are talking to, in a friendly manner.

You know you're an aspie when you take the time to care about being careless. Ha.

Socializing can be exhausting. One of the biggest issues I have is not knowing "how to be" in social situations. Like mentioned above, keeping a conversation or friendly interaction alive is like a game. A really strenuous game (at least for me).

I switch from "talk less" to "care less" a bit too often and I think it can be confusing to others. A lot of people tell me they "can't decide" what type of person I am; if I'm genuinely friendly or a complete turd .

I think if I could do a lot of things over, I would just "care less" all the time. Save me a lot of brain hurt.

Yes, deadeyexx, that's exactly how I feel too. Not just in conversation, but in life in general. Do too much or nothing at all. Can't seem to find the in-between.

I always question everything I say, so I tend to fall on the "talk less" side as much as possible. Sometimes out of worry of speaking inappropriately, and at other times simply because I cannot muster up enough interest in the discussion to actually contribute.

But what BTDT says is interesting, because I too find that asking others to discuss themselves is a good fall back for communication. It makes you a better listener, and can make people feel at ease if they sense that you have a genuine interest in getting to know them. Plus, some people really, really like talking about themselves.

That's not a mindset. It's a basic model for the uninterrupted, 1-on-1 conversation. It works sometimes in its most simplified form, but only if the other person is really talkitive and takes all the initiative. I can keep the ball going for a very long time, but usually end up boring the other person as well as myself.

I was talking about mindsets for all kinds of social interactions. Basically if any number of people came up to you unexpectedly, or you found yourself in any situation, what kind of person will you be. Either cautious or spontaneous. Of course for aspies, being spontaneous needs to involve caring less since we make too many mistakes to justify.