I can't "let people in"

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I've always been a loner, anti social, introverted. For as long as I can remember. I haven't had a real friend since the 5th grade. So my social troubles started in middle school when I was becoming aware that I was different from my peers. I was left on my own and I had no one to help me cope with my differences, school became a social disaster and a nightmare. By highschool I was an absolute recluse during that time I developed severe trust issues, major depression and anxiety.

So. I guess it's A natural defense mechanism that after so many social failures or "flops", that I start to act differently around people. I no longer can be my true self, but I have to put on a mask that sort of eliminates a great deal of personality, as a shield from people so they don't see my true self and you don't get hurt as often. I guess cause I feel vulnerable. There are consequences to this though such as being unable to form any sort of meaningful friendship or relationship, because I'm always behind this mask. Sometimes the walls are so thick that nobody can break through, even though I may desire friends, or if i come across A person I feel is worth pursuing A friendship with, A relationship is near impossible because the trust issues and fear have become so out of control. And though I am aware of how overly exaggerated these fears are, it makes it no-less easier to be myself around people.

What sucks is that I just met some family members whom I've never met before, A few cousins and Aunts. Wonderful people, I really want to get to know them and them to know me, but my social defense system is on all the time and I don't know how to break the walls down so that I can express myself in a way thats true to my inner self and not a distortion that misrepresents the original. I wish I could just be myself.

I know you guys can relate. Please share some thoughts and ideas. How can I change this behavior?

Ok, assuming you still live with your parents:

About your relatives, whatever you do, don't hide from them and don't lock yourself in your room when they come over to your house. And when your family goes to visit them, go with them. Don't say you want to stay home.

Follow the above and just let things flow naturally and gradually. Don't worry about changing your attitude for them.

it is not a matter of "letting" people come in for me. it is a matter not being able to break a hole in the walls of the world of my existence for anyone to ingress in to me.

i have a sort of unconscious force field around me, and i see people that hurry toward me suddenly bounce off it.

i would like to meet them but they are deflected long before they get to me.

yep im the exact same way. i have always been a loner, an introvert, etc. the whole stigma/problems/difficulties intensified for me from middle school all the way through college. i had my "friends" but i was never close to any of them and majority of them in high school were upper classmen, so i just survived by being busy with school, work, band, and an occasional gf. but college, it was a lot worse. thats when it became apparent to me that it wasnt just a phase of high school BS, but that i truely had problems connecting with others and even when i tried to do it, all i got was rejection, anger, insults, and abuse of all kinds. now that i have been living on my own for almost 3 years now, things havent changed for the better at all. will i ever figure it out? maybe. will i ever have true friends? who the hell knows. as far as how to change your behavior, i have no idea. my only suggestion is to see a therapist (preferably one who is knowledgeable about autism).

i feel exactly the way you guys do, i've attempted multiple times to "let people in" or try to get close to people. temporarily overcoming the social anxiety of meeting new people with the aid of alcohol. in time though these people come to realize i'm "weird" or "different" or i've recently been described as "a freak of nature" after multiple failures in social situations it seems i've pretty much given up and don't feel like putting forth the effort anymore only to obtain the inevitable future rejection.

has anyone been able to overcome this situation?

are we destined to be this way?

Yes, I've learned very well to mask my autisme. I've made a lot of friends at my university and at my work, and people I tell about my autism react with 'I didn't see that in you' or 'you seem so normal'.
The problem is: I can't invite people over to my place, and don't like to get together outside of the university/work. Adapting myself to the world of NT's takes a lot of me, and at the end of the day I want to go home and be alone to rest. Weekends and hollidays are thesame, I'd rather be alone then see my friends.
So yes, I can look like a 'normal' NT, but it's bound to certain locations such as my university and my work. It's very difficult and every now and then I get very depressed because it's too much for me.



I don't believe in destiny, I believe everybody should work to make their own destiny. Not everything's possible, but if you try, you can learn a lot. You just have to choose and set priorities. (I always tell myself this, to prevent just 'giving up'). Don't ever just give up!