Criticised for not having friends?

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This is more for when you were at school. Think about it - for some adolescents having no friends at school is one of the worst things what can happen to you. I have more friends now than I ever did (and I'm not sure if it's because most grown-ups are more understanding of those who have strange ways, or if my social skills have got better since I left school).

I had a few friends when I was at primary school because it was easier to mix around, but when I got to secondary school I found out how lonely I was, and how much the other girls only valued others who had average to high social skills, were interested in boys and make-up, and knew all the latest gossip about others around the school. I wasn't very good at any of that (I didn't like boys in my school - I preferred older men, and I developed an obsession over one particular man who all the kids soon knew about, and some got tired of me obsessing over him, others criticised that I should be into boys my age, and others actually knew who he was and thought he was a complete weirdo in general). And I didn't like wearing make-up, and nobody ever wanted to tell me any gossip about others around the school so I never knew, and they all thought I wouldn't be interested anyway (which actually I would have been).

But the worst ages for me with the lack of friends was 12 to 14. These 3 years were the most hardest for me, especially when my cousins of the same age were getting to that age where they'd rather hang out with their friends at week-ends than see me, and it wasn't anything personal. They just all expected me to find friends of my own like they have, and got cross when I clinged onto them. Even my parents used to get sarcastic at me because of my lack of friends. Once when the phone rang when I was bored, and mum answered it then when I asked her who it was she just said, ''well who do you expect it was? All of your friends?!'' And that made me feel ashamed, especially when I started to realise that all my mum wanted was for me to have friends phoning me up and knocking on my doorstep. But if I was diagnosed at 8, surely my family should have expected this in my early teens.
I used to cry every evening, and long for even just a best friend. Well, my cousins used to be my best friends, but now they had other things to do now. It was a horrible time of my life. It was a time where I felt the most loneliest. And with all the people criticising really never helped. It made me want to commit suicide at one point.

Anyone else experienced this at school?

Probably a combination of both. I think adults (most of them) are more willing to accept you even with your strange ways. My best friends now are ones that where willing to accept my strange ways. But at the same time I have developed better social skills to socialize with other people and not seem so strange. Not that I would consider myself a expert at social skills, but just enough so I would not stand out any longer.




I would agree that this was probably the worst age for me to have a lack of friends. Just couldn't understand why I could not make friends. Being a rebel and not fitting in the group mind probably didn't help.



Very much so. I would agree that 12 to 14 where the worst, but it still continued long after that. Just not as bad. As I learn social skills, make better choices of who I wanted to be friends with and accept that I would never have a lot of friends.

Right now and recent past I have a few friends. But those friends mean a lot to me. The kind of friends I can be myself and be accepted. I didn't have to change to fit in with them. I come to learn that its not the quantity of friends you have, but the quality of them that makes the real difference in my life

You're right there - it doesn't always matter how many friends you've got, because having a few is better than having none at all, (unless you're happy with having no friends, but some Aspies aren't). I was never a bright person, and I'm still not now. I may not be dim, but I know I'm not bright enough to focus on one thing and live my whole life successfully around this one thing, and succeed in life and become rich, like Bill Gates did. So when you're not intelligent in that way, the next thing you want is to have friends. I must admit, I would rather socialise than study, if I had to choose. I'm not sure if this is a stereotypically female Aspie trait. I may be wrong.

But yes I have a few friends now, and some NTs I know have very few friends too, so I don't consider it abnormal. In fact, I think I go out and spend time with friends more than what my NT brother does. He has work friends, but he doesn't see them outside of work. But he's got better social cues than I have (occasionally he'll go to a bar with them, but that's usually in the summer).

I've found I'm not getting criticised any more, and I also feel I have socially moved on now. I haven't seen anyone from my class since the day I left school, and hopefully they have forgotten about me. I made some friends at school when I was 15, and I still keep in touch with one of them (although in school we did used to have fall outs and arguments, but that is typical with 15-year-old girls, and so I'll rather have that than having no friends at all. Obviously now we don't have arguments any more, although it can sometimes go on throughout adulthood, but to make that happen you have to do something to make that happen, whereas in school girls just b***h for no reason.

I didnt realize this was about school. I had friends at school so this doesn't apply but i criticize myself for not having friends now. If either of my parents were insensitive enough to critique me over it i think i'd be suicidal.

I have nothing to say about school in particular, but my mom values her social circle very high. She's tried to force that on me too. "You should have more than one friend, because if you break up with one, you can hang out with the other one instead!" and "You should be more involved, you can't expect your friends to drag you along" At that point I just lost it. "I don't effing care about any effing friends. I don't want to be dragged along. Eff this!"

So I guess my experiences have shaped my attitude towards friendships. I do get something out of them, but I get something out of a visit to the dentist (other than the owies). The difference is that one is worth the trouble, the other is not.

Now, mom no longer makes a big deal out of it.

When I visited mental health professionals regularly, my lack of friendships was a constant problem. They made it clear that to avoid being certified insane, you need to have a social life. Now that I've been completely free of them for three years, even that has lifted. I feel no pressure to pursue other people's goals.

My mom tried to justify my not having friends thing, oh some day you'll have friends, I was late to make friends. I basically was critical of myself for not have friends...but that was what led up to my Aspergers diagnosis. If I didnt notice my differences, I would either remained undiagnosed or gotten the diagnosis years later.

I had friends at school - few in primary school due to the simple fact I didn't understand the concept of others being people like me, but in high school in particular I had a lot of friends and actually found it much easier to make friends than I do now...not just because as an adult there are fewer opportunities to make friends, but because for me during teen years it is much easier to relate to others. College I had no friends at all, and most of my adult life I've had no friends...which feels worse than it did in school because now I am confident where as in school I could have put it down to being unusual, which other kids tend to pick-up on and bully you for, or because I had no confidence.