"I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

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"I'm going to have to ask you to leave..."

Has anyone else ever had that said to them? I've been a customer at a local coffee shop for almost 5 years. It's nice to also visit after work for a tea (at the time, I was trying to curb my taste for coffee, so tea was a habit I was trying to develop.) They always hire very friendly, and very pretty waitress. It made going there a comfortable experience.

The same cute blond, 17-18 years old, who would serve me. She wouldn't spend too much time at the counter, but when she did, I'd attempt conversation. I actually found out that she had a taste for French techno, like I do. I worked up the bravery to ask her if she has a facebook account. She smiled and said, "yeah, but it's private."

I certainly didn't expect her account to be open for all the world to see. I assumed this would mean I'd have to send a friend request like anyone else would. Makes sense right? Or...

Did I go wrong when I sent her a friend request a few days later..? Upon returning the next week for tea, a cook asked to speak to me outside. He claimed to hear the waitress say to "not contact her on facebook." After teling me this, he told me I had to leave.

Normal people might sue the restaurant. Humiliated, I've let it go and haven't returned since. Do I seriously stay away from this place? Do I assume the restaurant is in the right? I was never rude, or made comments that would be considered in poor taste. Maybe I was staring at her because she was so cute, but that's not crime.

So confusing.

There was an implied meaning throughout this scenario that you unfortunately did not pick up on. When someone says their facebook/email/whatever is private, it is usually a polite way of saying "I am not open to any further contact". It means you should have ended things there. Regardless of whether her account was private or not., you should not have sent her a friend request, as this made her uncomfortable enough to tell the others at work about you. She likely felt you were stalking her.

I would avoid the restaurant from now on, of course. Fortunately, you'll now know that if someone gives that kind of response again, you'll take it as a polite rejection.

I'm sorry that this happened to you.

There could have been a lot of things going on. As I did not observe your interactions with this waitress, I cannot speculate as to what body language/non verbal cues/tones of voice she was using that might have been missed by someone who is not as aware of body language/non verbal cues.

I pretty much have a rule - I am cordial to people who are paid to serve me or assist me. I am friendly, but do not try to be friends (on Facebook or otherwise socially). I go in with the attitude that they are being nice to me because it is there job. I am always cordial, but I do not try to engage them in conversation otherwise. If the server says, "How are you?" I say "Great" or "Fine" or, if feeling a little different, "Just okay, but a cup of coffee will make me feel great " However, I leave it at that. I always remember, they are doing their job, they probably genuinely LIKE people - but our relationship is one of customer and server. I leave it at that.

Regarding staring (which you say that you might have been doing) - although it is not a crime to stare - sometimes, people might feel uncomfortable with someones eyes constantly following them as they go about their work. I enjoy people watching in general - although I usually bring a book or crossword puzzle or IPad/IPod/Smart Phone or whatever to peruse. This keeps me from intensely staring. I used to do this to - have my eyes follow someone I thought was interesting/attractive - I didn't realize at the time that it can be unnerving for my the other person. Now that I am aware - I don't do it.

Also, I agree with the previous respondent - when someone says, "my (Facebook account/phone number/address/etc) is private" - this means that they don't want further contact.

In any event - consider it a lesson learned. Find a new coffee spot. Bring a magazine or a crossword puzzle or your IPad or ??, enjoy the coffee, be cordial, but find friends in more social venues with people who are not paid to be polite to us. You will do fine.

Looking back on it, I feel naive for not hearing her obvious rejection. Too blinded by beauty. My defensive behavior is what caused it. I used to think that NT's layered their responses in meaning. In reality, I have trouble processing their communication on the spot. It usually takes a day of reflection to add it up as a sum total.

Solution: new coffee place and eyes on my own paper!

Yeah, probably should have taken "It's private" to mean "No friendship." I think it was still kind of nasty to chuck you out of the restaurant. Paranoid

She probably was freaked out because put yourself in her shoes your working at a place some guy asks for your facebook you say its private and then he goes and searches you and friend requests you anyways. To me that's feeling like a line has been crossed because there are some relationships that you keep strictly business. I worked at a coffee shop and there were some pretty cool people who would come in on a regular basis and we would make small chat, but it was part of doing my job. At least now you know what to differently next time your in this situation. I'm in a similar situation there is this guy who i went to college with who would come to the coffee shop and we never talked that I recall. He was very socially off and had a habbit of wandering and looking totally spaced out. He found me on facebook and being nice I accepted well he trys to IM me and talk to me non stop so I removed him from my list. I'm not saying you would do this, but she probably doesn't know this and is thinking this is how it could end up.

So true. I'll continue to be approachable and friendly. This will leave it open ended for others and not shut down the potential for friendship growth in the future.

I don't understand how some aspies can take things like this so strongly, I applaud them for it. If it was me, I might have killed myself.

I want to say a couple things, it seems like you lack empathy for her here. If I was working as a waiter, and some gay guy asked me if I had facebook after 1-2 not very significant conversations, I might feel a bit uncomfortable. If you're genuinely interested in the person, you don't ask for further contact that early, you get to know them a bit, until not only do they see you as more regular, but as a friend. You gotta just let these things happen when your interested in someone.

Its also the kind of place this is, the waiters/waitresses are paid to friendly with customers and talk to you, and that may have been a cue that you didn't pick up on.

The big thing you did wrong was seeking her out on facebook when she said it was "private", or didn't even give you her last name. Its crossing boundries when someone hasn't let you in on themselves like that. She also sounds a bit snobby, but it could have just been because she was only talking to you because its her job, but I usually add people on facebook who I talk to outside of my classes at school, and give it out frequently.

Hai!

I just wanted to chime in because I have been in the waitress's position too many times to count.

I agree with what others have stated, that banning you from the place was an overreaction.

My guess is that this has possibly happened to the waitress before or they just really didn't know how to properly handle the situation.

In any event, a word of advice, never try to be-friend women who are at work. Receptionist, hostesses, waitresses, etc. are oftentimes friendly, not because they are interested in you, but because it's their job to make people feel welcome and comfortable.