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Who_Am_I
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09 Oct 2011, 6:23 am

I understand that many people get something out of socialising, so much so that they'll even associate with people that they have little to nothing in common with.
I don't understand this. To my way of thinking, having no friends is better than having to fake it around people all the time, and someone who you can't be yourself at least most of the time around isn't your friend; they are friends with your social mask.
Loneliness may have something to do with it, I guess. The only time I really feel lonely is after losing someone important to me, so the need to avoid it isn't really something I understand. I also think that having to wear a social mask all the time to fit in with people with whom one has little in common with would be at least as bad as lacking friends, because if I did that, I'd be spending my time thinking how bad it was that noone liked who I really was.
I also don't get the automatic "spark" that many report from being in the presence of another human- it takes a lot for me to feel more for a human than for, say, a table, and I'm wondering if this "spark" is enough, in the eyes of sociable people, to make up for the effort of faking.

So, social people: what do you get out of it? Why do you do it willingly even with people who you don't have much in common with? What are the rewards that justify such effort?


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Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
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thedaywalker
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09 Oct 2011, 6:34 am

people have some common intrests like food drink and people also peoples sense of humor may be alike. also in your question you ask why people socialise with people they have little to nothing in comon with but can you think about a situation where people socialise with random people.



Who_Am_I
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09 Oct 2011, 6:39 am

thedaywalker wrote:
people have some common intrests like food drink and people also peoples sense of humor may be alike. also in your question you ask why people socialise with people they have little to nothing in comon with but can you think about a situation where people socialise with random people.


I hear complaints here and IRL all the time about how people can't be themselves around their friends.
People do socialise with random people all the time; it's quite common to chat to people who one sees at bus stops etc; at least it is where I live.
People will go out for drinks with their workmates on Friday nights regardless of whether they'd otherwise be friends with them.
Those are just a couple of examples.


_________________
Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I


fiooo
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09 Oct 2011, 7:05 pm

Personally, I am just curious about the lives of other people. Though I don't socialize much, when I do, I like to talk with different types of people, some of whom I have no common interests with. Other than that, I lose my social skills when I don't practice so I try to attend social events whenever I get invited.

It seems what bothers you most is the "faking it" part of socializing. I'm probably too socially oblivious to notice the fakers (how do you tell?), so I won't comment on that. I never understood the "be yourself" thing. How can someone not be themselves?

Who_Am_I wrote:
So, social people: what do you get out of it? Why do you do it willingly even with people who you don't have much in common with? What are the rewards that justify such effort?


You're asking the wrong people... :?



Embroglio
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09 Oct 2011, 9:19 pm

Well things are more fun when you do stuff with other people. Some activity's just don't seem the same without other people. I enjoy going out to bars with friends, but going alone feels strange, and awkward. Maybe some of you don't need to socialize with other people, but I do. I need to socialize with people on a daily basis. It doesn't have to be in person it can be online. I just enjoy sharing my interests and what's going on with my life with other people. I would go crazy if I didn't interact with anyone for more then 2-3 days. Isolation has been known to make people go crazy, and start talking to themselves.



btbnnyr
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10 Oct 2011, 12:47 am

I think NTs are wired to enjoy socialization for its own sake. In fact, most need it and suffer without it. I didn't understand that smalltalk was socialization for its own sake for the longest time. It was a revelation when I found out, but I still cannot do it.



anneurysm
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10 Oct 2011, 11:21 am

btbnnyr wrote:
I think NTs are wired to enjoy socialization for its own sake. In fact, most need it and suffer without it. I didn't understand that smalltalk was socialization for its own sake for the longest time. It was a revelation when I found out, but I still cannot do it.


Very true. As well, I've noticed that it's not just an NT thing. I know many aspies who are very outgoing and love to be around other people. I also have the "spark" around being with others that the OP described, and when I don't see people for a while, I get frustrated and lonely...but for years it was the complete opposite in that I didn't need people to be happy. Perhaps some people on the spectrum are just wired to enjoy life without people around them.


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I am an anomaly. Diagnosed with borderline,"tentative" Aspergers at 7 as the school board required me to have a label in order to receive special education services. I did not fit criteria for ASD but that was the closest label that fit my behaviour at the time.

My longtime psychiatrist has confirmed that I do not qualify for an ASD diagnosis (but have traits & OCD-like traits).

Mostly keeping a distance from ASD-related things (including WP).


Raindance
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10 Oct 2011, 11:27 am

I'm not really much of a socialiser. I just don't have the desire anymore. Humans are social species and normally seek attention of others. Even if they don't have anything in common with them. It's just our nature I guess. I often wonder why I don't have this desire.I'm really not fussed if I don't meet people for a long time, I guess I'm just tired of people and the effort it takes to be around them. I'd rather read a book, or watch DVDs or involve myself in my interests. Maybe I'm just a loner. But I kind of like it that way. No one to annoy me or let me down.