How do you deal with friends letting you down?

Post Reply New Topic

I don't mean ''letting down'' in a critical way, I just mean saying they can't make it at the last minute after arranging plans to meet up with them. I know it can sometimes happen and people can't help it if things pop up at the last minute, it's even happened with me, but I try to avoid that happening if I can help it.

But I remember once when I felt really bored and lonely, I phoned up my grandmother and asked what she was doing and she said she was taking my cousin out and asked if I could come too so I said yes, then my friend phoned and asked if I wanted to go shopping, and I hadn't seen this friend for ages so I thought I'd make arrangements with her and so I phoned my grandmother again and said I will do another time and she didn't mind. Then the next day my friend phoned at the last minute and claimed she had a cold and so couldn't come out, and it was too late to phone my grandmother up again so I ended up sitting in my room on my own for another day again. My friend's excuse might have been genuine but it might not have been, so I was a bit disappointed.

I don't hold a grudge against people, because sometimes things happen beyond your control and so you can't always help cancelling an arrangement with a friend, but when it happens too much I start to get a bit annoyed about it. I don't tell them that, I just silently think it.

Anyone else have this happen to you? How do you deal with it? How does it make you feel?

You're lucky you have a grandmother with whom you can see. My maternal grandmother died when I was about 5 years old and I never met her. Met my paternal grandmother once -- we had to fly across the Pacific Ocean to see her. Couldn't eve talk to her, as she didn't speak English and we didn't know our parents and her native language. She was in her 80s then.

And you've a grandmother who wants to spend time with you. That is so nice.

I hope you find the time to be with her more.

I find it very hard to be patient with people who habitually cancel at the last minute, or are always late. I had a friend who would call me and arrange to come over and just hang out, or maybe go for coffee. Then she would be really late or not show at all. When I would call her, she would actually say that she had forgotten, or tell me she was in the middle of doing something else, and could I wait? Often I would have dropped other things in anticipation of her visit. After awhile I dumped her (there were other things going on with her, too) because I didn't like the way she would force me to waste time. Once I had a lot of laundry to do, and I put it off because I didn't want to be rude by washing laundry while she was visiting. Then she canceled after making me wait for two hours. I was friends with her for nearly two years but enough is enough.

1. Next time keep yourself occupied with something to do, and EXPECT the other person to be late. So, what he's late, I got to enjoy 5 minutes reading a book I like.

2. Don't chew the other person out about it. Just keep in mind patterns of who is late and cancelling.

3. If the person keeps cancelling and never suggests an alternative meet time and you are doing all the initiating, move on.

Well I have a friend who texts me and asks me if I want to come over and see him, and I said yes, then we both arranged a day, which was a Friday. He texted me on the Monday night asking if I'm still coming round Friday and I said yes. Then I texted him again on Thursday afternoon asking if I was still coming round, and he put he had forgotten all about it and had arranged another plan with somebody else and said he couldn't get out of it now. I was so pissed off after that. Who else can forget a friend's coming round, when you only texted eachother 3 days ago?! I was remembering all week. So I didn't text him back any more that day because I felt annoyed, and he texted later saying sorry and that he wished he hadn't forgotten and that he really wanted to see me, and I did text back because, like I said, I don't hold grudges because it might have been genuine, he might of had a lot on his mind this week and just forgotten, but I've got a lot on my mind all the time and I try not to forget if I'm meeting up with a friend. I write it down on my calander, or I just remember it if it's not too far ahead.

Also I am going to meet a friend today in a town a bus ride away from me because we are going to watch a carnival there, but I'm getting myself all worked up about it because I'm worried that my friend might suddenly cancel at the last minute. He's Autistic aswell and so he is less likely to not turn up or to cancel on purpose (because he gets a lot of it happen to him so he doesn't like doing it to other people), but what I'm worrying about is if he suddenly texts after I've got there to say he can't come for any reason, and then I will be stranded and end up having to watch the carnival on my own, which is not what I want to do. I wouldn't be able to get the bus back because I only know the town centre and while the carnival is on the bus goes another way where I don't know where to get on, so I am just worrying about it. So I was thinking of texting him about half an hour before getting the bus, to ask him if he's still coming, just so I can be on the safe side, and then the chances of unexpected events popping up within the next hour will be even less.

Just because people cancel doesn't mean they don't wish to spend time with you...
I just realised my opinion doesn't matter since you blank me out anyway so responding to this is effectively wasting time...
Anyway, I'd remind him two days before meeting up. Then text on the day 1 hour beforehand.

I just remind myself it happens, and I study patterns. If someone demonstrates a pattern of cancelling, they probably are just to passive to say they don't' want to hang out.

It's def ok to be upset.

NT's have something called "Fashionably late" It's a belief that your not cool if you show up right when a party starts.

I find three strategies useful:

1.) I study the event. If we are going to a dinner, I show up when I'm told to because they probably have a reservation. If I am going to a house party, I show up late.

2.) I ask. "Does this event actually start at 8?" Most people don't seem to mind to much.

3.) I make it clear if I am hosting if I need people to arrive at a certain time, or "come whenever."

You will always get certain people who will always come really late and others come on time. When we have family get-togethers with my dad's side of the family, his youngest sister and her husband and children are always the ones who are already there. We're normally the second ones to arrive. His brother's wife and children are always really late, because his wife has always been an absent-minded person who never manages her time right. And his older sister sometimes doesn't always turn up since she's got such a busy social life that she never seems to know who she's seeing from day to day.

Obviously it's not in this exact order every single time there's a family get-together, but it's what usually happens (don't forget, I generalize a lot, so whatever I explain normally means ''generally'').