Hugging

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Here's a situation that I run into fairly often. I'm an an event/function/hanging out with male friends (I'm a guy too). When we run into a female that one of them knows. Even if the girl only knows one of my friends, it seems as though, she will extend an offer to hug all of them except for me. Sometimes, I'll get a handshake; sometimes, I won't get any physical greeting at all.

Even if I do know the girl, I am often awkward about hugging and figuring out when girls want to.

It obviously has to do with non-verbal cues. HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX THIS ISSUE.

Are you Autstic/Aspie? Do those people know you're Autistic/Aspie? If they do, they're probably presuming that you don't want to be hugged, as Auties/Aspies tend not to enjoy physical contact with people they do not know very well. Maybe, unintentionally, you're coming across as an odd, cold person, which means that these girls are freaked out by you and would rather not hug you? Or maybe you're coming across as too friendly, so they would rather not hug you because they'd feel too awkward hugging a super friendly cringey guy.

Sorry if I sound so judgemental, I'm just trying to be honest. Also, I haven't seen you or how these girls perceive you, so I couldn't possibly know straight away how to handle the situation. The above paragraph are just a small amount of possible explanations as to why these girls aren't hugging you.

I used to have a real issue with hugging. When I was in my early 20's I counted exactly 4 people that I actually hugged back. Now I made it a point to hug everyone. I would just extend an overly-affectionate hug to acquaintances, making them uncomfortable on purpose and turning the awkward situation to a funny encounter. I only do it with other guys that I'm not particularly close to though, to preserve the irony, and because I can't really tell where the line for "sexual harassment" starts.

The same thing happens to me as the OP everyone else gets a hug and I either get the last one or left out. I'm pretty sure it stems from the non verbal signals I give off that tell others I'm uncomfortable with it. I kind of hesitate or shrink back when the hugging starts. I have had comments from others that I am defensive about hugging. If people make it really obvious I'm generally better at it cause it doesn't take me so much by surprise. I have been told that I give a terrible hug ie don't hug back with the same enthusiasm. I tried an experiment where I attempted to initiate hugging people when seeing them it was so awkward not sure if it's cause people were used to me not being the hugging type and suddenly changing or if it was cause I can't coordinate with other hugee very well (mistiming is a problem). Anyway I've gone back to not initiating hugs cause it's awkward and uncomfortable and does nothing to enhance the social interaction for me. Plus I do really hate it so why change it's not something I am willing to work on except if I get I to a relationship then I'll have to do some serious work on it.

Mightyzebra, I do have Asperger's.

Sharkgirl, I think we are on the same page as far as what happens to us. Now, how should I fix it. Perhaps I seem uncomfortable. How do I prevent conveying that impression. Sometimes I'll have my hands in my pocket. I've begun to take them out so I able to reciprocate. But this isn't enough.

I think it may center around subtle facial expressions on my part immediately prior to the girl deciding whether or not to seek a hug.

Sometimes, I will make a joke out of it and say "no hug for me " It works sometimes, but I also don't want to make them uncomfortable or my male friends upset because they think it's stupid/creepy.

More suggestions, pretty please!

This isn't just about nonverbal behaviour, it's about how everyone knows each other and the comfort they've experienced with them. If you are just meeting someone, you normally would not hug them, but usually you would smile and wave or shake their hand.

If these are people you've seen or met before (gender isn't as important here as these rules tend to be the same with both genders), they aren't hugging you as they have a better relationship with the other guys than yourself. A hug is a reflection of the relationship you have with someone and how well you know them. Ask yourself if you've chatted with each person before for a good period of time, or spent any time with them outside these events. If the answer is no, then they may not be hugging you because they have not become comfortable doing so yet.

They may know each other, but I would guess you don't smile/ look at them with joy, do you?
Try to imagine them as old friend you have met after a very long time, you are really happy to see them, look them in the eyes, spread hands, smile (a bit at least) and I am sure your hug frequency will boost

Exact same problem here. It bugs and annoys me so hard, it's unbelievable.

I no longer have this problem so I must have solved it.

Here are several tricks that I know that I use.

First, be aware that a lot of people hug more than they are comfortable with. That's not necessarily a good thing. If you decline, and they're already hugging more than they are comfortable with, then you'll leave them with better feelings than you would have if you'd accepted the hug. So guessing in the "not hug" direction isn't necessarily bad.

Second, watch carefully. If she doesn't move to hug, don't sweat it. If you're not sure, then open your arms partway, and ask directly, "would you like a hug?" Be care to not move towards her. Just stand and open your arms. If she's up for it, she'll move to you. If she's not, then let it go. I usually nod just slightly to indicate that I understand she's declining before I drop my arms. I also interpret more than about 1 second of hesitation as a decline although in this case I usually say, "no worries", as I drop my arms and pointedly look at someone other than her.

I'm often complimented on how well I hug, so I'll ofter some other clues.

Find someone you trust, and practice hugging. Seriously. Make a point of approaching only as fast as they approach, holding only as tightly as they hold, and only for as long as they hold. As soon as the other person makes any motion that could even be considered as the beginnings of a release, you should release. If they use one arm, so should you. If they use both arms, so should you. if they only barely touch arms to shoulders, so should you. if they stand with trunks together from groin to head, and wrap arms completely around, then so should you, (if you're up for it). Practicing varying all of these variables with your trusted partner until you can do them gracefully.

Holding the hug is easy. The tricky bits are the approach, knowing where to rest, and the release. So practice more hugs rather than longer hugs.

It's ok to hold lighter than the other person if you aren't comfortable with the full hug. It's also ok to use one arm when they use two, to release sooner, and to touch less of your body if you aren't up for it. However, the other person will feel more validated, as though the hug is "warmer" if you can match what they do. if you can't, that's ok. There's no requirement for anyone to be any more intimate physically than they are up for and learning to state and maintain physical boundaries is important too.

If anyone ever tells you that a hug "should" be any particular way, realize that what they really mean is that that's the sort of hug they'd prefer from you right now. Another person, even the same person at another time, may prefer a different sort of hug.

If you can find someone that a lot of people think hugs well, see if they'll practice with you. You'll learn a lot more a lot faster with someone who hugs well than you will with a random person although practicing is better than not practicing. If you pay close attention, you'll probably find that people who hug well are doing many of the things I've already described even though they may not be aware of what they're doing.

A number of tantra classes and sexuality workshops teach hugging explicitly, including practicing and calling out these details. In Margot Anand's books, she talks about various forms of hugging including full body hugs, melting hugs, etc. If you'd like to read more, that's a good place to go for it. I seem to recall doing some hug exercises at workshops given by Human Awareness Institute, (HAI). (I can't post web addresses but you can find them easily on google).

Oh, and I almost forgot about eye contact. Make eye contact before opening your arms or making an explicit invitation. And hold the eye contact until you have an answer. Declining to make eye contact is a social signal that you don't want to hug. So be aware of that and use it as you see fit.