Foreign exchange student- Please help!! !

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Hello.

We recently got a female Japanese foreign exchange student in the house. I have tried my best to be like a sister to her. The problem really lies in my introverted self- I really don't know how to start a conversation with her, and she doesn't start one with me, so we both sit there quietly. Just sitting quietly is fine by me but it bothers my parents and possibly her. My older brother, who has now moved out, never really was a brother to me, so now I don't know how to act like a sister.

My mother says that when I am not in the room, she asks about me- "How often does this happen to her?" "Is she alone a lot?" and other things. My mother wants to tell her about my Asperger's. I am not sure if I should, and even if I do, I don't know how to explain it to her. I heard of the word " Hikikomori" but I'm not sure if that is enough of an explanation, or even if it describes me correctly at all. I can't just blow this whole thing off either- she's staying for a year.

I don't know how her culture reacts to people like me. I don't really want her to tell her family, because then they may see me as some sort of threat and want their daughter moved somewhere else.

Could I please have some help here? I really am at a loss.

Do NOT term yourself a Hikikomori.
It carries a very negative connotation.

Japan is fairly ignorant of mental health issues for the most part and a large portion of japan borderline hate Hikikomori.
Some families will go as far as to actively encourage family members to kill themselves.
That could of course be media hype, but it does show the basic view on people unable to work for mental health issues in japan.

That's not to say that she will view you negatively for being shy as japan is a fairly mello culture in overall.
I'm not sure how she would react to aspergers, or understand it due to japan's lack of knowledge on the subject.

Maybe some of the more hardcore japan fans on the forum will be able to give you a better insight or an actual Japanese member will see this.
I'd be slightly surprised if there were a Japanese member on here though.


Take everything I said with a grain of salt though as I only have a tiny bit of knowledge on the subject and it could easily be false information.

Here in America the media like to point out how a killer, serial or otherwise, is a loner. It always seems to be their main headline: the killer is a loner and the victim a loving family man with great friends. I didn't know what a Hikkomori was until today. I looked it up on Wikipedia. It says you have to be a recluse for 6 months or more to qualify. I've been homebound since the end of February. That means, in less that a week, I'll be a Hikkomori if I don't start going out. One of the HUGE differences, though, is there are no parents supporting me like in Japan. It is interesting to note that, in the article, they mention co-morbids, two of which I have - Avoidant Personality Disorder and Asperger's. I wish they talked about the prevalence of suicide & depression within the Hikkomori as I'm sure it must be incredibly high.

I'm assuming she speaks English or you speak Japanese?

Howdy.

I can only make guesses about certain bits of this situation (the exchange student's age and what/who she's used to). If it helps she's probably not expecting to be treated precisely like a sibling. For this new living situation, she's probably at least as at-a-loss as you are.

I don't know how much your school/amity society/etc. has told you about what to expect, but odds are good that she'll try to be social but will also be careful about seeming needy in just about any way.



As far as informing her about your diagnosis... that may be hit or miss. At an average, the Japanese aren't noticeably more informed than coastal Americans [1] about what Asperger's Syndrome is. In general, she comes from a place where people are much more tightly compressed, so intense, stuffy behavior isn't as abnormal as it might be for Americans. Another count against is a cultural bias towards the belief that mental instability, illness or defect is a shameful condition [2].



Well, this may seem egregiously strange and convoluted, but: if she's been asking your mother about any ... peculiarities of your behavior or whatever, she sees your mother as an authority figure and is willing to trust her answers (as much as she may trust anything), so a few things:

1) If it hasn't been revealed that your mother has informed you of her questions, both you and your mother have to agree that, at least in front of your exchange student, yourself and your mother have not been chatting about the subject. She may well know that you and your mother might be discussing the issue, but it's all the more uncomfortable to be faced with it during a discussion.

2) Your mother may actually have to be the one to interact with this exchange student to try to find out why she's curious about your behavior.

3) It won't be terribly helpful to mention "hikikomori." It's loaded with a ridiculous amount of extra social connotations that might have nothing at all to do with your situation.



Aside fromt he above... Her culture may apply a bias, but she's her own person and presumably close to being in her twenties herself. It sounds like she's a recent (temporary) addition to your family, so you may want to get to know her first, like any other new person in your life, and figure out whether it's important to mention the diagnosis.

[1] My primary frame of reference for English-speaking nations. Sorry

[2] This is getting better, particularly among young people, but...

P.S. In general, I'm going out on quite a limb on this. Usual disclaimer about error factor, etc.. Anyway, best of luck. I'm hoping the situation doesn't actually warrant how spooked you seem by it.

Hi, I kind of like quietly hanging out with a friend, like reading or skimming through a book as my friend works on a computer or in the kitchen, something like that. I realize not everyone likes this.

Okay, the fact that she raised the questions, 'How often does this happen to her,' and 'Is she alone a lot?' is significant.

I would recommend medium steps to disclose. Maybe ask her, Have you heard that they now think autism is a spectrum, and actually a fair number of kind of famous people are on the spectrum. And if she picks up on it . . .

Maybe tell her, Actually most people on the spectrum are medium functioning, just like most people in general. And if you meet one person on the spectrum, well, we're all individuals, you've met one person on the spectrum.

I like the idea for younger people, don't let school be your one and only social but try things like community theater (provided you like community theater of course!). So, maybe the two of you could go to social venues together and help to build each other up. That's probably kind of a best case scenario, but might occasionally happen.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 26 Aug 2012, 7:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

She is ok at English and I know a tiny bit of Japanese.

Thank you for all of your advice so far!

And maybe even with the unpromising beginning, things in time might still develop okay. And even with the language issues, maybe still there will be enough ping-ponging back and forth communication.

I'm kind of going through a funk right now. I'm not sure school's going to work. It kind of worked back in '98, taking computer science when I had hope for a good job (but since found out that "human resources" are a bunch of control nut idiots).

I've applied for some retail jobs. Very frustrated. Jobs below my ability and I don't get them. 'Course, that's not the way to look at it.

Okay, a couple of openings, and I thought I'd pitch them to you.

I've thought about politics. Blockwalking can be kind of neat provided it's with a partner. Some years ago, this once of month humanist group was something I looked forward to. They went around a table of 15 people and you each got your own time to talk. I even joked with this anti-corporate guy that he could switch speeches with this 'libertarian' guy, since I knew the speeches so well. I was even thinking, wow, if I had a couple of other groups like this, might get some traction going, and then who knows.

H&R Block, meaningful work which really matters to the client, doesn't necessarily lead to better job. But convinced me that I'm pretty good one on one with a client. Since they engage in third-party bank collection off a client's refund for any bank or loan product, I felt I had to make some sincere effort to inform the client of this just like I would inform them of any other substantial negative. I would underline this part of the application in blue ink. So, I kind of liked this wild and wooly anti-corporate aspect. I was kind of the anti-sales person (and I skillfully avoiding overselling even this aspect). And I felt mostly loyal to clients and direct co-workers, not company hierarchy. I did get fired one year out of four (other reason stated) at Block and this other place, but that means three years out of four I wasn't fired. The job is basically only five or six weeks in December, Jan., and early February. My mistake was, the third year in a row, it was no longer fresh and exciting.

I was an exchange student once. My siblings didn't relate to me, and the mother was nasty to me, so I requested a change of family and was lucky to get a lovely family - I visited them again 30 years later!!

If she's anything like me and like many other exchange students, it'd be great relief for her to be made aware, in some way, that this is:

1) not personal - nothing she did makes you isolate
2) not against the exchange program - you do love the fact that you have an exchange student living with you for a year

There isn't the least pressure in treating her like a sibling. If you can be a mentor instead of a sibling, you will have done wonders for her. A mentor can do any of the following or all:

- give her a tour of the school and/or neighborhood so she starts feeling more at home
- teach her a few local expressions that people your age use a lot so she knows what they mean and can use them to feel more "in"
- explain to her cultural differences that confuse her, as they arise
- tell her she can come to you if something is bothering her and you'll try to help
- tell her she can come to you when she doesn't understand something and it confuses her and you'll explain
- ask her to cook some Japanese dish together with you, to teach you
- offer to cook something typical of your area together, to teach her
- ask questions about what it's like to be a student / young woman in Japan
- take her to the movies or sightseeing the major sites of your community
- offer to take photos of her in the house, neighborhood, school, to send to her family

There's probably a lot more you can do that will take you only an hour or two once a week and reassure her that she's welcome by you.