Need Help With Social Life- Please Read Full Article

Post Reply New Topic

Hi fellow Aspies,

You've probably heard this story about a million times, and your situation may or may not be almost identical to this. But I'm going to tell it any way, in the hopes of some of you possibly being able to give me some important pointers. I must insist, however, that you read the entire piece as my situation is very complicated, and much needs to be taken into consideration concerning who I am.

Ok, so for as long as I can remember I've had sooooo little social interaction, meaning VERY few friends, close or casual. I'm not going to go in much detail about my childhood or high school years, as that is irrelevant to my essential point. Anyway, I've ALWAYS been completely isolated from my peers as a loner kid with little to no friends- with the exception of a couple of friends at school. That means, a lot of my time so far throughout my life has been in my room (either at home or in my dorm), behind a computer, or in front of a TV, all by myself. I've hung out occasionally with a couple of friends, but compared to most of the other students at high school, and even now at college, I'm pretty much a hermit. Hell, I think the other aspie/socially-isolated students have spent like 30 times more time socially then I have.

Currently, during my college years, I spend about 70% in my room at my laptop, mostly on the bed with the computer on my lap, just watching YouTube videos or playing games. This has been going on pretty much to this very day, and I simply can't find a clear, easy way out of this. What's really bugging me about this, sadly, is my long-time, deep desire for a relationship; a girlfriend, if you will. Yes, more than anything in the world, I want someone to love, or at least date. Then I think my whole world would have so much meaning, and everything would be more orderly and meaningful. But of course, before I can even think of branching out and looking for dates, I need to improve my social situation DRASTICALLY.

However, there is a tiny bit of hope at the moment. I'm currently involved in a small program at my college organized by my special services advisor, meant to somewhat boost my social skills and experience. It's mainly comprised of a small group of other students with similar disabilities or social inexperience. Additionatlly, I've become part of a Meetup (an online service for organizing small or large social events/get-togethers) group where we meet every once and a while at some spot and hang out. Unfortunately, however, I'm only just starting with those two things, and I've yet to really remain in touch with the people in those groups. Plus, the people in the ladder group are from different parts of the North East, and do not live nearby me. I am also making some acquaintances online through Twitter, and planning on using Skype to help solidify the relationships, but I seriously doubt that will get me very far.

That is why I desperately ask my fellow aspies here on WrongPlanet to give me some tips and possibly have a discussion about what I (and maybe other people in my situation) can do to be at least a little more social, possibly to the point where I can start looking to date and forming romantic relationships. However, before you post anything, please allow me to give a list of difficulties regarding my personality, my daily behavior, and other serious obstacles that make things so much harder for me:

1) Worst Time Management Ever- I am HORRIBLE at using my time wisely and keeping a steady, helpful daily or weekly schedule. I feel like I need to form some kind of plan, and whenever I try to do so, I'm never able to follow through with it. This makes it very hard to really make friends or keep a steady social life as then it would get in the way of academic responsibilities and other things, since I'm very bad at getting my assignments done on time. Here's a short list of other things that make me so bad at managing my time:

a. Slow pacing with tasks- I just take forever to do schoolwork and even simple things like exercise or practicing my bass guitar

b. WAAAY too much procrastination and slacking off- a lot time my spent not one bit productively (alone, on the computer)

c. Saving certain tasks to the very last minute

2) Unusual, Geeky, Unmanly, Not-So-Mainstream Personality- I just don't fit in with anybody, even the most geeky or nerdy of "social rejects." Don't get me wrong, I'm actually pretty easy to get along with, and I can form good conversations and such. Hell, I LOVE hanging out with people (yes I've done it plenty of times) and love to talk with people at any chance I get. In fact, I'm actually the exact opposite of shy or mean to other people- I'm actually so friendly and talkative, it tends to be awkward, causing people to want to avoid me sometimes. It's just that I lack a lot of familiarity with the various social queues or essential pop-culture facts that everyone should know.

3) Extremely Liberal Attitude- This has gotten me in trouble a couple of times in the past, and I hope not to fend off anyone who's not as politically left as I am.

4) Lack of Proper Experience With Females- I just need to hang out with girls so much more, and be more open to them. I'm actually a devout feminist (yep, a male feminist), and care very much for the rights and social treatment of women. I just instictively don't know how to really approach them or become friends with them, which will really be a problem if I want to start dating any time soon.

5) Dependence on Parents- Almost everything in my life has been given to me by my parents, and I feel like every step I've taken has been guided by my parents. Hell, my father was able to get a lower cost for me to be here at college because he works here. I need to learn to be independent and self-relient. I lack so much knowledge of things I should be able to do on my own

6) VERY Little Experience In Larger Public Gatherings

7) Hard To Avoid Preference For Solitude- No matter how hard I try, I can't help but like being alone at many times. But in the long run, I desperatley desire to be more "out-there" so that my life can feel less meaningless or hopeless.

Lack of Proper Focus or Planning on Academics or Future Career- I am taking a major in philosophy and take my academic work very seriously, but I have very little idea of what I want to do in the future as a career. Plus, I procrastinate A LOT on my assignments, don't do ANY outside studying or research, and barely even read outside of what's required of me in my classes.

9) Very Selective, Limited Cultural Experiences- lack of knowledge of so much popular things, including movies, music, TV shows, books, online videos, etc. This is both among mainstream audiences and geeky people (I'm talking animes, comics, blogs, etc)

So at the moment it feels like I'm a pathetic wreck, and that I need to completely turn my life around. Right now, I definitely feel like one of the major things that'll make things so much better will be to have a MUUUUUUCH broader social life, as well as a girlfriend (I must emphasize that I'm seriously lonely in that aspect, and have a crush on so many females I know online). Will someone out there please help me and give me some pointers? Remember, LOOK AT ALL THE INFO I'VE GIVEN YOU ABOUT MY PARTICULAR SITUATION BEFORE SUGGESTING ANYTHING!! ! I'm sorry, but it's just that I don't want to try something that simply won't work for me. One thing I will say is that I would not like to see advice that is seriously radical or life-altering, or something that requires a lot of time.

I know it looks like I'm asking for a lot, but I just feel so lonely in this world and I need to branch out and make some friends so that I will have a clearer vision of my future path, as well as have a fuller enjoyment of my life as it is.

You don't sound that different than I was at your age, if you just insert "book" where you have "computer", add in the fact that I'm legally blind, and tweak a few things.

I don't know if you're going to like all my answers, but I'm going to tell it as I see it. And there are a lot of steps to get from where you are now to possibly dating. I understand you'd like a quick fix, but those seldom work - and the time you spend pursuing them is wasted time, which just adds to how long you're going to need to take to get to where you want to be.

1: Don't try to be what you aren't. If you aren't 'into' popular culture, learning a list of references isn't going to help you much. And you're not going to be happy for very long hanging around with people who spend their time talking about stuff you aren't interested in. So you have to figure out how to be a "better you" to have any real success. Besides, as a writer, I'd point out that a rather broad application of the principle "the only thing you have to offer is yourself and your own unique perspective" applies.

2: I do understand your difficulties with time management. I'm still working that stuff out. (Although I only figured out I was on the spectrum two years ago, but I don't think I'd be a productivity whiz even if I'd known since I was a kid.) But you have to figure out a process that works for you. Learn what makes you tick, and what motivates you. Then, use that. Because doing the way other people do isn't going to work for you. At least, I tried that route for years, and it was only since I tried figuring myself out that I've made any progress. Learn to understand process. Use it. Tweak it as you learn more. Until you at least somewhat overcome this, you're going to make enough of a mess of enough things - and I'm not dumping on you when I say that, I've done it, too - that it is the first thing you need to work on. (I put #1 first because it lets you clear the stuff you don't need to worry about out of the way before you start.

3: In line with #1 - leverage what you've got to work with. Join groups that focus on your special interest(s). That way, you can gain respect for who you really are, and meet people who will appreciate at least some of your strengths. Get to know people, as much as you can. You will probably never be a socialite. That's okay. You just need to meet one girl, if she's the right one. And by focusing, you've just made that a lot more likely (although you'll still probably have to meet a number of them before the right one comes along, sadly). This is also how you'll get experience interacting with people, by choosing ones you have something in common with. It's really the big point; don't try to worry about all the 'other' people out there, focus on the ones who can find at least something positive about you. And no matter how different you are, your special interest(s) would be the obvious place to focus.

4: Politics. If those are important to you, you either have to meet someone who shares your views, or you can meet someone who is at least willing to respect yours. For the second option to work, you also have to respect theirs, and forget the idea that everyone who doesn't agree with you is an #@!$%^. (You may not think that anyway, but a lot of people who are into politics get that idea.) Me, I don't respect anyone on either side, at least in that area, unless they can figure out that maybe people have reasons for disagreeing with them other than being jerks. (Okay, every member of an actually neo-Nazi party or "movement" or group or whatever name they want to call themselves is a jerk. But you'd be better off being alone for the rest of your life than getting tangled up with anyone into that garbage. When I say "politics", I'm talking at least semi-rational options, which I take to mean anything from libertarianism through communism, but excluding the bigotry, the fascism, and all the rest of that ugly junk. Probably TMI, but I did want to clarify that. Sorry. )

I probably forgot something along the way, but those were the points that stuck in my head. I'm going to re-read your post, and if anything pops out at me, I'll come back and edit this to include it... Okay, I reread it, and I think I covered everything I meant to. Unless I wake up in the middle of the night and remember something I left out -

if i were single and younger, i'd be interested in you. keep doing what you're doing. perhaps volunteer for the obama campaign. is church an option? make it a point to say "hi, how are you?" to the girls in your classes.

For the political one, most colleges have Democratic Clubs, Libertarian clubs, and some even communist clubs (depending on what kind of liberal you are, there should be a group for you.) Very few colleges have strong conservative leanings, so you should be able to find some people who share your liberalism.

Time Management. See if you can get some help from professionals.

Try to acquire some general knowledge. You don't have to like the shows, but just knowing something is good.

Be careful with the feminism, as counter intuitive as it may seem. Respect for women doesn't mean you have to be a neutered male. From my experiences, women don't like to be abused or mistreated, but they also don't like when you put the "p**** on a pedestal" (exhaulting it, treating it as unobtainable)

Dependence, a lot of college students depend on their parents for money. Getting reduced tuition is common. Everyone who works for the university as a full time employee gets it. Try to make some decisions yourself. You might make wrong ones, but it happens.

Thank you both for your helpful advice. I'm already making a (physical) note to do exactly as you two are suggesting, because it definitely sounds like it might work. FOr example, I have pretty much officially decided that I want to take a career in politics, which involves switching my major from philosophy to political science. I'll talk to my councellor about it the next chance I get.

Even though I've received very helpful advice, I think there are more people out there out with helpful advice for me concerning my poor social situation. Again, please remember to read as much of the main article as you can before suggesting anything. But please say something if you can, because I currently need all the help I can get.