I can't get close to anyone.

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It's really weird... Unsurprisingly, I don't like being looked at or touched. Sometimes, though, I can deal with it. Basically, this is the way it works for me:

Stranger > Acquaintance > Friend > Close Friend/Family/etc.
Feels quite uncomfortable > Don't really care > Don't really care > HIGHLY distressful, I feel violated*

It's not just physical expressions either. If someone I'm really close to (like a family member or good friend) tells me they care about me or compliments me, I just want to run away. Emotional closeness is as uncomfortable as physical closeness. I haven't really ever heard of anyone else who feels similarly, beyond the mild to severe discomfort they feel when being physically close with another person, but usually, I hear stories of people with ASD who really want to be close to another person, but just aren't able to. For me, as I said before, I feel violated, and I immediately withdraw.

It sucks horribly. Recently, I've considered my sister my best friend, because she was the only one who I was "close" to who didn't make me feel scared and vulnerable. However, that's changed as she's started expressing affection for me more and more. Touching me occasionally, being uncharacteristically nice to me, complimenting me... it's sort of ruined it for me.

Is there anyone here who understands what I'm talking about?

*I'm not sure if this is an apt comparison, but for anyone who's had this happen to them before, I believe it's something similar to the feeling you get when you're being sexually harrassed. The fear is comparable, anyway.

I've experienced similar things, but not at that intensity.
When it happens to me, I don't feel violated but only awkward.

From the title, I guess that you would like to be close to people but this problem stops you. Is that right?

Two questions, for a better picture:
How old are you?
Have you had bad experiences with proximity, such as being bullied by someone whom you trusted?

Yes, I'm like this too. Oddly, I find it easier to be close to complete strangers than family members. I am able to do martial arts which requires some degree of physical contact with others and this is not a problem for me as it is a controlled activity and I only know these people through the martial art, whereas if a family member comes up to hug me I feel like shrinking away and I occasionally can't help but flinch, which hurts their feelings.

I'd never thought of it as a violated feeling before, but that is a really good way of describing it, it is just the same, but for no apparent reason. Anything like nice compliments or personal questions - same feeling. Yeah, sucks

I wish the feelings would go away, yes, but I don't necessarily want to be close to anyone. Mainly, seeing as I still live at home, I can't stop from being close to people, so I'd rather not feel anxious about it all the time.

17.

No. I've never been harrassed or intentionally harmed by anyone as far as I know.


Okay, good to know I'm not alone. Have you found any ways to manage it?

According to my experience, this changes when you live alone. The individual need for social life may be different for different persons, but it's rarely zero.

For the issues with physical closeness, I don't have any solution, I'm afraid. (I usually freeze and wait, but that's not a solution.)
For the issues with emotional closeness, I maybe have. For me, it's comparable to an exam at school: I prepare as much as I can and I force myself to do it, even if the situation itself is uncomfortable. ("Passing" the exam might equal making friends with someone.)

Can you give a list of situations of "emotional closeness" that you fear? You mentioned compliments. Are there others?

Saying things like, "I love you" or "I care about you"... Also, when people seem too attentive, like they're really interested in what I have to say. After I've opened up to someone, I usually feel the disgust/fear faintly as well.

I honestly can't relate, because I like it when people express fondness or approval through touch. The only touch I'm uncomfortable with is aggressive or inappropriate (unwanted sexual advances) kind of touching. Or if someone accidentally bumps into me....that can be startling

However, I find it interesting that you get this from people. Could it be that you are standoffish in a way that people are drawn to you more? It seems that people like you and want to be close to you, so you must emit a positive vibe.

Heh, I wouldn't say that... my family's just really touchy-feely. I don't have many friends because I don't care to make them, and not many people seem interested in initiating anything with me. I've always got the feeling that everyone just barely tolerated me, which I suppose serves me well at this moment in time.

Bump? No one else has anything to say? ; - ;

I can relate, but it's not fear that I experience. It's not easy to explain. With "I love you" and "I care about you," the level of emotionality is over-the-top, unnecessary. How they feel shows in how they treat me, so saying it is unnecessary. It's like they are purposefully trying to create an emotionally saturated moment, falsely believing it will make me feel good, and it gets on my nerves that they assume that. Or worse, they have some sort of need for emotionally saturated scenes like that. Compliments are just annoying. People often do them to make other people feel good, making the false assumption that my self-esteem is built on the opinions of other people, or that I care what they think of me. It's like there's this collection of unnecessary, in some cases obscenely intimate social games society plays, and people keep assuming I want to play along.

The over-attentiveness disgusts me because the people who do it have a people-centric approach to life, and it is incredibly foreign and bizarre to me. They feed off of other people (listening to other people talk like it's the best thing in the world, probing them for even small details of their lives). They are psychic vampires, mostly empty on the inside, so they go to others for sustenance. I prefer people who are introverted, more interested in their own lives.

It' s an interesting thought. I tell my family I love them all the time, but just as a statement of fact not for a need of emotional support or anything. You always here about people taking time with each other for granted, or regretting that they never said something. It' s always in the back of my mind that if one of us died tonight, what would I regret? Maybe it' s just a morbid fixation, but I will state how I feel because of it.
I very rarely feel the need for very personal sharing at all. I think this site is the closest I have come to it really. People have declared me their best friends and shared a lot with me,but I tend to deflect things with a joke when things get too heavy. I sense occasionally that people are looking for more from me, and even more rarely I feel like sharing at all. I' m trying to get that ratio right, because I think I might have let down people in the past a bit because of it. My husband can read me pretty good after over a decade together, but I do think it' s beneficial to express myself a little more. I don't relate to feeling violated so much as awkward and clueless.

I know exactly how you feel. Emotional closeness never really happens for me. I go through the motions. It is fake for me. I do it to maintain a peaceful environment with family and coworkers. I feel fear, anger and disgust when emotional intensity is directed my way.

My husband knows me very well. At home, I am usually silent and just want him to be around. He understands I don't really need to talk to him or to be "all up on him". I just like having him around. I am capable of making tons of friends. However, I can't maintain them because I lack emotional depth that people seem to require. I find people to be overly dramatic, needy, unintelligent and intrusive.

It is very easy to violate my social space. Usually, I avoid closeness like the plague. It is just plain awkward, even with family. I will step up to help someone in need. This maybe viewed as compassion. However, I would have the same depth of feeling straightening a towel. It is just something that needs to be fixed.

Is anyone actually going to read this?

I think this is the crux of the issue here.

I thought in understanding and knowing that others felt the same way, I'd feel at least some degree of relief. Unfortunately, I do not. I suppose the question really is, is there a way to fix it? That's my main goal, as I understand it. I don't want to go through my life emotionally crippled in this way. I know what it's like not to feel this way; indeed, I didn't begin fearing proximity until... 14 or so? Before that, I was fine and dandy. So clearly, it's not permanent.

Do I maybe just need to wait it out? ; ~ ;

Maybe a part of it is a fear of self- expression? When I am extremely anxious I will journal privately, and then destroy the pages. Just putting some things down on paper can make me panicky, but I feel better afterwards and immediately destroying the pages assures that no one will judge...

That could be it. Reminds me of how I tend to hate my creations once I tell everyone about them. 0:

It's like, the very act of putting it out in the open and making them known cultivates an inordinate amount of disdain for them, regardless of how they are received. It could be that a similar mechanism is at work here.

...Or maybe I'm just inundated with an unhealthy level of "stranger danger" hype?

Here is my 2 cents.... Take it or leave it, as you wish...

#1) Honestly.... secretly wearing one earplug helps me with human interactions. Drug stores sell the squishy kind. Sounds crazy, but reducing the noise from others helps me to deal with them more effectively. I bought some vented Doc Pro Plugs online. Musicians use them. They are clear and have a tiny hole so I can still hear. No one knows and it gives me a level of privacy around people. They come in sizes and can be cut down if necessary.

#2) I found that stepping back and observing people helps. Living alone also helps. I have accepted my role as "emotional alien". I observe others and see what they need. The people I interact with are my research projects. They know... because I gently told them.....that I need alone time to gather my thoughts. They have labeled me introverted. I cannot expect much more from them. They use compliments and affection to communicate with me. This is how typical humans communicate. They are living on a different emotional plane. Unfortunately, being in the minority includes the responsibilty of calmly educating others on what we need. Creating healthy boundaries and living a full life on your terms.

#3) You may not want to hear this....Believe me....I completely respect and understand what you are saying. Scientifically speaking........Be patient with yourself. You have 7 years before your frontal cortex is completely developed. Believe me... even with Aspergers, physical brain development goes a long way in providing you with the cognitive footholds needed to navigate this emotional world. The human brain completes development around 24 years of age. Google it:-) It does get better. The angst you feel now should become less intense. Making time daily to quietly decompress can help with the emotional intensity you have to face.

Take Care.