It's very hard trying to live a normal life when people..

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wildorange
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13 Feb 2014, 8:58 am

Shatbat wrote:
Friendships shouldn't be draining. When you are apart, what do you guys talk about? Mostly about your problems or mostly about hers, or is it more balanced? If you feel uncomfortable, like there is something wrong, then there probably is. Why do you like spending time with her, which are the bright spots?


We send text messages the other 50 weeks of the year. I usually keep mine light, I send photos of what interests me or her with the occasional grumble. She doesn't like to talk about her problems, she says talking doesn't help, so she puts on a happy face and moves on. But when we do talk about problems, it is usually hers (60-65%). I know she is busy, but she can just text "hey I'm busy, you ok?"? I would usually say I'm fine even when I'm not.

She is my complete opposite -- she is outgoing and fun, she makes friends easily and she has hundreds of them, she makes me laugh. I'd ask her questions about everything: How to approach someone, who makes the first move, and any question I could think of about interacting with people. This was before I knew of Aspergers or even suspected I might have it. Each visit also comes with a meltdown, usually after she starts to ignore me and I retreat into my room and then she gets even more annoyed at me and ignores me even more.

After 5 years, my brain has deduced that we have different definitions of what a best friend is and how to be one. But my heart hurts because I feel I am not appreciated. I don't think I'm sure a downer, I'm usually pretty game and I play along, though I need my down time at the end of the day. Should I be asking myself what she gets from being with me?



Shatbat
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13 Feb 2014, 9:08 am

Why don't you like to talk about your problems? Do you want to avoid annoying her? To see what she gets from being around you is a very interesting question to consider, indeed. And anyway, if you know that every time you go visit she is distant and you don't feel happy, why do you keep doing it? Also, small question, are you always available to the point you will stop doing other things so you are near her?


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wildorange
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13 Feb 2014, 9:18 am

Yes, I am afraid to annoy her with my problems. I only talk about my problems when they become too huge to bear on my own. I keep visiting because I have hope that the next visit would be different. Yes, I make time for her whenever she needs to talk to me even when it's in the middle of the night. Does this mean something?



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13 Feb 2014, 9:33 am

Yes. Hope is all well and good, but if you keep doing the same things you'll keep getting the same results. Realistically, there is little reason to believe future visits will be any different than previous ones. If she was your friend, would your problems annoy her or would she be willing to help you out with them? There is a middle ground; talking to her all the time about all and each one of your issues wouldn't be good either, but I'd bet you're not doing it enough. And if you make time for her whenever she needs to talk, that leads to her, consciously or unconsciously, taking you for granted. If you have time, help her out, by all means. If you don't, unless it's really an urgency you shouldn't sacrifice your time too much. When you're busy, you're busy. She can wait. And she could use knowing that you're not always available, that your life doesn't revolve around her (does it? I don't know) and that she should also put an effort into the relationship. Is she putting an effort?


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wildorange
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13 Feb 2014, 10:21 am

I am not planning to visit again, not this year anyway. It's a bit unpredictable, sometimes she would want to hear my problems and other times she would ignore me. I am very confused so that's probably why I am afraid and I only talk about my problems when they get huge.

My life does not revolve around her. I used to want to say hello to every day but I've been trying to keep a healthy distance while I sort my head out. But I am very softhearted and I feel mean if I don't reply to her messages immediately. And then she ignores my reply and I get pulled back into the confusion all over again. No wonder I prefer the company of cats and dogs!



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13 Feb 2014, 3:52 pm

Asserting one's boundaries can feel like being mean, or like being harsh, but it is also something that is necessary. When you fail to do so, people get the idea they can treat you the way they want.


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wildorange
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13 Feb 2014, 5:44 pm

Ah! I will try it. Thank you Shatbat.



XJ220RACER
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14 Feb 2014, 4:12 am

Of course, I've felt like an outsider my whole life, even though I've become more and more extroverted and self-confident. It's not an issue of getting people to like me, I feel more like people are very interested in me but then sense my lack of social tenacity and get a bit disappointed. There are several people back home who would probably do anything for me, they know everything about me and truly love me and think I'm something special. And I really do appreciate them but when it's up to me to reciprocate, I don't feel the need to pick up the phone or message them on Facebook. I just started college and now I feel like I'm doing a better job of making friends than I ever have, but I still have a long ways to go...

If you're all not questioning whether a normal NT life is worth even wishing you had, let alone compromising your individuality to get, please start now. In fact, I can't believe you're not, all that alone time and that notion never occurred to you...? It's one big chore and plenty of people on the inside are aware of that on some level. They are perfectly in tune with society and what it wants but they have no clue about their own selves. If they could ever break free and discover themselves, then they would really want to change their lifestyle accordingly. Having a greater capacity for being alone can result in being alone, now turn this into a positive - not having a busy social schedule means no commitments, and no commitments means freedom. So use that freedom to get out and see the world. I'm already going to college in a fantastically beautiful place 1,600 miles from home, while all of my "friends" back there are living for nothing more than parties at the sorority house. Not that it's a competition though, it's for my own sake because my loner tendencies leave me with but myself to answer to - so I'm dreaming big, for myself, and I hope and pray that I can keep up the chase to them.


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Erwin
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22 Feb 2014, 2:50 am

hale_bopp wrote:
I'm on the verge of a meltdown because of this.

In one ear I have people yelling at me "Stop using aspergers as an excuse to be depressed" when they have no f***ing idea.

I'm sick of the injustice people with this condition have to suffer and in silence! I don't see what else it can be. I'm like them in every other way! I don't sit by myself or not talk to them. Jesus.

Does that not imply they see you as normal? One of them? They don't like to see you depressed. Why? Could they care about you? What other reason could it be? Good to know the pack theory is working.



Erwin
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02 Apr 2014, 12:59 am

hale_bopp wrote:
don't want you in theirs.

The majority of stuff about my life is normal - I work 40 hours a week, I have my hobbies, I talk to people at work. But Nothing ever happens. I try to be as pleasant as possible, but no-one seems to want to be friends.

I see people who joined the company after me join groups of people and become all cliquey.

The people seem pleasant enough chatting at work, but they never ask you to hang out with them in the weekend. They do to each other. They talk on each others facebook but never mine.

It's one of the few things in my life that's simply never stopped hurting. I don't care if I'm single for the rest of my life, but all I want is people to want to be friends. This leaves you in a place of crippling lonliness that nothing can fill the space off.

I just want to be accepted. Even if it's within a small group of interesting people I work with. I am not interested in be-friending random single males because they have some sort of stupid fantasy about getting sex of or a girlfriend. That's all I seem to attact. Why can't I just attract people who like me for who I am, and are not ashamed for people to know about it?

I have asked people from there to hang out before and they never do.

I don't know what to do anymore. Why is it so hard?

People do like people for who they are. You're liked as much as anyone. You're as normal as they are.