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thedeath
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30 Jan 2014, 2:07 pm

Hello,


I'm sure this has been talked here before, but I can't find an appropriate topic right now.

So, when I'm alone with a person I have almost no trouble with talking, even if I've never met the person before. Sure, I'm still shy and sometimes I don't know what to say, but I'm able to hold a conversation for a long time, even if it's just small talk.
However, when I'm in a group, and even if I know some or all people, I'm completely silent. It can happen that I won't say a word for hours.
I don't exactly understand why, but I think it's a mix between not knowing what to say, not knowing when to say it and not knowhing whether it's an appropriate thing to say in that particular moment.

Does anyone have some useful advice to solve this problem? :D

I can talk with a person without being weird, but it's always weird when a person in a group doesn't say anything.
In fact, does anyone know what other people might think about a person that doesn't say anything? I'm not really sure if they think I'm weird, stupid, just shy, or actually an Aspie.



Willard
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30 Jan 2014, 2:13 pm

The only time I've been relaxed and comfortable jumping into a group conversation was when I was buzzed on weed. Best anti-anxiety med on the planet. :drunken:

Not always a practical solution of course, but it's the only reliable one I've ever found. :shrug:



thedeath
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30 Jan 2014, 2:15 pm

Willard wrote:
The only time I've been relaxed and comfortable jumping into a group conversation was when I was buzzed on weed. Best anti-anxiety med on the planet. :drunken:

Not always a practical solution of course, but it's the only reliable one I've ever found. :shrug:

I'm sure it works, but I don't think I'll try! :D Whenever I try something that has a potential for addiction I get addicted instantly (in my case only games or food). :P



Willard
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30 Jan 2014, 3:20 pm

There's no potential for addiction with MJ. That's a myth. :roll:



Troy_Guther
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30 Jan 2014, 5:27 pm

Conversation with a group of strangers is definitely more difficult, that's for sure. The boundaries are harder to ascertain, and there's more people to read. A group conversation with people I know well is much easier though; boundaries have already been pretty clearly established. Alternatively, if you confidently push the boundaries in a group setting, you'd be surprised how often the boundary shifts to where you just set it. This is particularly true when it comes to swearing, at least amongst people my age. Confidently throw in a curse word here and there, and people will begin to follow your lead.



FallingDownMan
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31 Jan 2014, 10:16 am

thedeath wrote:
I don't exactly understand why, but I think it's a mix between not knowing what to say, not knowing when to say it and not knowhing whether it's an appropriate thing to say in that particular moment.


This is about half of my problem in groups. I'm always so busy measuring what I am going to say for it's appropriateness, that by the time I figure out what I am going to say that the topic has changed a couple of times already.

My other problem with group conversations is something called "the cocktail party effect." Most people when in groups, are able focus in on the person they are talking with, and not hear the other conversations going on around them. This is "the cocktail party effect." I can't do this. I hear all the conversations at once, meaning that not only to I have to figure out if what I am going to say is appropriate, I also have to figure out which conversation is saying what, and which one I want to participate with. Often I try to switch conversations, or participate in multiple conversations. I have enough problems keeping up with one conversation, but several?



Billw1628
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03 Feb 2014, 8:38 pm

Troy_Guther wrote:
Conversation with a group of strangers is definitely more difficult, that's for sure. The boundaries are harder to ascertain, and there's more people to read. A group conversation with people I know well is much easier though; boundaries have already been pretty clearly established. Alternatively, if you confidently push the boundaries in a group setting, you'd be surprised how often the boundary shifts to where you just set it. This is particularly true when it comes to swearing, at least amongst people my age. Confidently throw in a curse word here and there, and people will begin to follow your lead.


I sure agree that it is more difficult. I think you just have to pick your spot to talk. You don't want to monopolize a conversation. But you also don't want to be completely silent. I would say my approach in this situation will be like how a poker player plays at a table, where you adjust according to the dynamic of the conversation and the people in it.



marshall
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09 Feb 2014, 1:36 am

I have the issues with timing and background noise, but on top of that - and this is what gets me really depressed - I just get bored. It's hard to relate to people in a group. The topic of conversation jumps around too quickly and people constantly talk about the things I know nothing about. Much easier to find a common interest when you're only dealing with one other person. The problem is opportunities for one-on-one conversations that aren't just small-talk-in-passing type interactions are hard to go out and find. People are either chattering in groups or constantly on the get-go. Guess where the most rewarding social interactions I've ever had in my life occurred? On long flights with strangers. If you're friendly some people will talk your ear off and tell you their whole life story. Then they just walk off and you never hear from them again. I just don't get the human race.



thedeath
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11 Feb 2014, 11:05 am

marshall wrote:
Guess where the most rewarding social interactions I've ever had in my life occurred? On long flights with strangers. If you're friendly some people will talk your ear off and tell you their whole life story. Then they just walk off and you never hear from them again. I just don't get the human race.

That's quite interesting. When I'm on long flights I always hope the people sitting next to me won't talk to me, because I'm scared of appearing anti-social or bored by what they're saying. At the same time I hope they will talk to me because I like talking to people. No one has ever talked to me during flights though. :P



Erwin
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02 Apr 2014, 1:04 am

thedeath wrote:
Hello,


I'm sure this has been talked here before, but I can't find an appropriate topic right now.

So, when I'm alone with a person I have almost no trouble with talking, even if I've never met the person before. Sure, I'm still shy and sometimes I don't know what to say, but I'm able to hold a conversation for a long time, even if it's just small talk.
However, when I'm in a group, and even if I know some or all people, I'm completely silent. It can happen that I won't say a word for hours.
I don't exactly understand why, but I think it's a mix between not knowing what to say, not knowing when to say it and not knowhing whether it's an appropriate thing to say in that particular moment.

Does anyone have some useful advice to solve this problem? :D

I can talk with a person without being weird, but it's always weird when a person in a group doesn't say anything.
In fact, does anyone know what other people might think about a person that doesn't say anything? I'm not really sure if they think I'm weird, stupid, just shy, or actually an Aspie.

I'm the leader of the pack (including pretty much every male) and I almost never talk. When I do talk however, everyone shut up and look at me. Or when it's my turn to talk. The only reason I don't talk is because I have nothing to say. You don't really NEED to say something. Worth noting that one does not become an alpha, one just is. There is nothing agressive an alpha must do. So if you have nothing to say, why say anything? It's silly to think those are social norms because it would be uncomfortable even to normal people so...



AutisticGuy1981
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02 Apr 2014, 9:58 am

Willard wrote:
There's no potential for addiction with MJ. That's a myth. :roll:

Yea I smoked it as a teenager , as a young adult and then when my son was born went without it for 8 years until last year when I became single again and moved out.

I don't smoke it to often but it's never been addicting to me.

It really does help get me relaxed and chilled out, often I'll just go for a walk to hoping someone might try to speak to me :oops:

When I'm not high I just don't want interaction with strangers at all.



AutisticGuy1981
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02 Apr 2014, 4:28 pm

I can be pretty relaxed in a group of people because I know I won't receive much attention if I keep my head down and don't try to be the centre of attention.

I'll happily chip in with some comments but allow them to steer the conversation.


one on one with strangers I've always been pretty bad.

I'd love to know what I'd be like around another aspie knowing they are likely as worried as me and don't care if each other come across a bit awkward