Empathy and communicating

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To those who say we aren't empathetic, they are wrong....

On Friday, my co-worker was finishing a conversation with her family in Ontario on the phone at my shipping desk in the warehouse. She was upset. She told me her father was found unconscious and dying. She was crying. I felt empathetic, but didn't know how to show it. I hugged her but my body felt awkward and tensed up like a plank of wood whilst I didn't know what to do about my eyes and ended up looking toward the parts pick up shelves. I didn't know what to say. I am ok hugging sensory wise but felt awkward given the situation. I wanted to comfort her but my body was in the middle of an aspie moment. She is my friend and we hang out even outside work. I then punched back in on my computer after she composed herself and offered her some Kleenex and my chair so she wouldn't have to sit on the dirty cold warehouse floor. We aspies do have empathy.....we just have issues communicating it.

I agree. I have much more empathy than my NT friends and family. One of my ex friends was the worst. I called her right after we put my childhood cat to sleep and she said "I'm sorry, I'm also sad, I'm having guy drama right now. Can you give some advice?". Seriously? My current friend after I told her I was diagnosed with Asperger's, she texted me back said "oh ok. Guess what? My boyfriend might propose to me!! !" Seriously again? What the hell is wrong with people? Those are just two of my many stories of NT people being unsympathetic, selfish, and completely rude. I at least TRY to be nice even though I have trouble knowing what to say and do. I usually just say "I'm so sorry. I'll be here to listen if you want to talk". My NT friends and family have never said those words to me before.

I think listening is something we Aspies can be good at. It is one way we do show our empathy when we know that the other person (usually an NT) is suffering sadness or distress.

We are more comfortable one to one than in a group, so listening to one person can work for us. It is when we have to say something, or (worse) do something like show affection, or maybe be part of a group activity, that we may feel awkward and uncertain about what to do. But the listening part - that we can do.

Well, at least she understood you were sad. Here's how a phone call went between me and a former classmate when I was 19 or 20:
I told her we had had to put our dog to sleep.
She: Do you want a new dog?
Me: I don't know. Maybe at some point, but it's too soon to think about that now.
She (giggling): You sound as if you're talking about a boyfriend!

That comment and giggle effectively killed any liking I had for her.


I agree.

Here's an informative interview with Simon Baron-Cohen going into his and others work on the topic: http://www.science20.com/countering_tac ... lity-79669

Generally people with autism score lower than average on two measures of empathy: cognitive and affective. Cognitive is the ability to recognize another's mental state, affective is the ability to give an appropriate response. People with autism score worse on the affective than they do on the cognitive. Your post actually fits well with this. You knew that there was something wrong (cognitive) but you didn't know what to do (affective). Normal people would know what to do without feeling awkward.

But remember it's just on average. There's a whole range of variation, for every trait, from lowest to highest that normal and autistic people score along.