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Saul3903
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18 Mar 2014, 12:42 am

I get extremely uncomfortable whenever I get any kind of praise from anyone. The greater the compliment, the more uneasy and awkward I get. I feel the worst when someone compliments me in front of others, or makes a point of telling others something positive about me. I don't know if this is a common Asperger's trait, or if it's just me.

I have a good example from yesterday: I regularly intern with a local production crew. This company handles staging, lighting, sound equipment, etc. for concerts and festivals. We ran a stage at a Bluegrass festival this last weekend. On Sunday, my boss gave me a great deal of control and responsibility (for an intern) by having me engineer the sound check and instrument mixing for the first band of the day.

He was very pleased with my work, but for no good reason I felt horrible every time he would bring it up. That night, when the rest of the crew came to pack everything up, He told them all how impressed he was, and I got my share of verbal pats on the back from each of them. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

I am very happy that I did well, but the act of getting told that I did well made my stomach feel heavy. I responded like I usually do, which is try to downplay my accomplishment. I gave credit to the equipment, and the skill of the band I was working with, then tried to change the subject.

If anyone else ever has this problem, have you found any better ways of dealing with it? I understand this has to sound completely insane to some. Thanks for listening.



Erwin
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18 Mar 2014, 1:33 am

Saul3903 wrote:
I get extremely uncomfortable whenever I get any kind of praise from anyone. The greater the compliment, the more uneasy and awkward I get. I feel the worst when someone compliments me in front of others, or makes a point of telling others something positive about me. I don't know if this is a common Asperger's trait, or if it's just me.

I have a good example from yesterday: I regularly intern with a local production crew. This company handles staging, lighting, sound equipment, etc. for concerts and festivals. We ran a stage at a Bluegrass festival this last weekend. On Sunday, my boss gave me a great deal of control and responsibility (for an intern) by having me engineer the sound check and instrument mixing for the first band of the day.

He was very pleased with my work, but for no good reason I felt horrible every time he would bring it up. That night, when the rest of the crew came to pack everything up, He told them all how impressed he was, and I got my share of verbal pats on the back from each of them. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

I am very happy that I did well, but the act of getting told that I did well made my stomach feel heavy. I responded like I usually do, which is try to downplay my accomplishment. I gave credit to the equipment, and the skill of the band I was working with, then tried to change the subject.

If anyone else ever has this problem, have you found any better ways of dealing with it? I understand this has to sound completely insane to some. Thanks for listening.

Probably because you're already seen as a pack leader is why you feel like that. Same way for me. But this should mean you're special. You into dodging bullets?



Claradoon
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18 Mar 2014, 9:07 am

I do that. First of all, do the people who compliment you do that with others? Sometimes it's an odd thing for them to do, which sets me wondering. But it's also, in my case, it's fear of the limelight, which is akin to the eye-contact problem. I have to accept that it's a problem for me and plod through the awkwardness. It's good that you praised others - excellent teamwork attitude response.

Just thinking out loud here - think of team athletes on TV being praised for a goal they scored. They hate being singled out and they've got speeches ready (long and short) about so-and-so passed them the ball which enabled the goal etc. etc. etc. Maybe take a lesson from them?



Saul3903
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19 Mar 2014, 5:14 pm

No, Erwin, I'm not really a pack leader. More like a young prodigy, who shows potential but lacks experience. I also have no idea what you mean by "dodging bullets"

Claradoon, thank you for asking whether they give as many compliments to others. In this particular example, I didn't feel this way, but often I'll feel like people are giving me compliments for the same reason you compliment a child on his scribble. I'll feel like I'm getting patted on the head for something mediocre because people think it's an accomplishment for me.



runforestrun
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19 Mar 2014, 11:00 pm

I know the feeling. Many of us OCD types here know nothing but to hyperfocus and do our jobs correctly. And we get complimented for doing what we are supposed to do. That seems odd to us. I suspect that you wanted to "crawl into a hole" because you cannot accept mediocrity and always pushing yourself to do better. There is a danger of "resting on your laurels" with us. But the compliments are taken to heart, without knowing how to socially react to them. (Hopefully I'm not projecting.... :? )

Like Claradoon said about the athletes (mimick what the humans do) :P ....



sly279
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20 Mar 2014, 3:38 am

Ive never had someone compliment me in front of others thank god. I don't like compliments. I don't feel they are right. It makes me feel upset and uncomfortable too. I like to compliment others though.

I don't know how to fix it, sorry :(



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21 Mar 2014, 4:15 am

i feel uncomfortable with compliments too. It feels either "what do they want from me?" or " are they trying to make me feel better"? also i tend to feel unworthy of genuine praise for some reason.

http://www.wikihow.com/Take-Compliments



TenPencePiece
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21 Mar 2014, 8:01 am

It's uncomfortable, yes, but I struggle to understand why it has such a negative effect for you.
Perhaps you should find some way in your mind to devalue these compliments, which is sort of what I've done


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kcooper
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21 Mar 2014, 9:28 am

I find compliments difficult sometimes, but I've learnt to just have a blanket rule of accepting the compliment with a "thank you" and a smile. It makes things much less awkward!



Saul3903
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22 Mar 2014, 11:03 am

Thank you all for your replies. I especially liked the article linked to by Tweety_Fan, it outlined and responded to just about every mechanism I have for "deflecting praise" as it says.

I've already learned how to outwardly respond. I'm good at faking it, and very few people know how much compliments bother me. I am an expert at devaluing them on the inside. I am trying to reach the next step of curing myself of my little phobia. The WikiHow that Tweety linked to gave me some great insight into how to do that, like when it mentions that fully accepting praise is a way of being kind to others, not just yourself.


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leafplant
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22 Mar 2014, 11:15 am

HI, yes, I have this problem too, and additionally I feel bad for taking away from others the joy of giving praise because it makes me feel so bad when they do, I spoil it for everyone. It's a never ending circle. The trouble I have with being gracious and accepting of praise is that the more positively you respond to something, the more likely people are to repeat it because they assume (wrongly) that you enjoy it.

Sorry, I wish I could be more helpful. The only way I can see out of this predicament is for you to find a way to enjoy being complimented..if you can.



nick007
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22 Mar 2014, 1:06 pm

I don't like getting complements either sometimes & more so in front of others but I used to be worse. I faced lots of struggles all my life due to physical & mental disabilities besides Aspergers that no one including my parents really understood. People were critical of my habits & problems I had doing things & learning with school. I kind of doubt myself or my abilities sometimes & feel like I'm getting compliments because of my problems/issues/difficulties & the average person would do better than me & not get complimented. It didn't help that various people have complimented me as a way of encouraging me when they saw how I was trying but still struggling; it's like being told you did great because you tried your best when you came in last & the part about trying your best isn't mentioned. I also got told contradictory things like I was in trouble with my teachers & principles & accused of being a bully when I was really trying my best till I went to a school for dyslexia in middle of 6th & my teachers & principle bragged about how well behaved I was; I was well behaved but it wasn't seen before that because my Aspies issues caused me to get overwhelmed & the bullies picked on me & got me in trouble. Another example is my mom often complained about me being lazy because I was dependent & didn't have a job even thou I was trying my best but had problems due to disabilities & had little options in my area; but when my mom wanted/needed help with projects around the house she would start saying how helpful I was & how hard working I was. In the workplace when I was working I sometimes felt like I was complemented for doing things I was supposed to do as part of my job that others didn't do or didn't do as well because they were goofing off & didn't care about doing their job well. I think part of the reason why I don't like public complements is because I hate being in the spotlight. I gradually got better with receiving compliments when my self-esteem started getting better & I started learning & growing with independence or learning my limitations & abilities better. I started working & realized that I was doing a good job. Joining WP helped me sort some things out & feel better too.


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Erwin
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31 Mar 2014, 6:48 am

I do believe this is where "You can have no other gods besides me" comes ibto play. Giving too much praise to a person will make others feel uncomfortable. Why do you think people hate Justin Bieber?



Last edited by Erwin on 31 Mar 2014, 6:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

Erwin
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31 Mar 2014, 6:50 am

Saul3903 wrote:
No, Erwin, I'm not really a pack leader. More like a young prodigy, who shows potential but lacks experience. I also have no idea what you mean by "dodging bullets"

Claradoon, thank you for asking whether they give as many compliments to others. In this particular example, I didn't feel this way, but often I'll feel like people are giving me compliments for the same reason you compliment a child on his scribble. I'll feel like I'm getting patted on the head for something mediocre because people think it's an accomplishment for me.

Only "special" humans are pack leaders. I mean, would you like to be able to dodge bullets?



Saul3903
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31 Mar 2014, 11:04 am

Quote:
I mean, would you like to be able to dodge bullets?


Dodging bullets does sound pretty awesome. I thought it was some metaphor for leadership or something.


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"I'm a weird dude, and it doesn't always work out in my favor, but the whole thing is supposed to say something: That a weak dude like me, odds against them, can make it, so can everyone else."
-Aleksander Vinter, aka Savant, EDM Producer