Organizing Things with NT Friends is Like Herding Cats

Post Reply New Topic

I've had this problem, described in the thread title, ever since I made more than one friend. I noticed that every time I try to organize anything good with my friends, even something I know for a fact my friends think is good, it always crashes and burns before it even gets off the ground. All my friends are NTs. Let's say, for example, I'm organizing a group outing to a nightclub, for a costume party on Halloween. Fun, straightforward event, right? Think again! The event is on a Saturday. So I call up six people on Tuesday, and four of them are into the idea. Two of them have other plans; fine. On Wednesday, it still looks like all systems are go. By Thursday, one person says he has a cousin coming in from out of town, and another suddenly decided he doesn't like costumes. So it's down to two friends going. On Friday, another person wants to go to a heavy metal concert, which is not my things; he ends up bailing out. On Saturday morning, I talk to the last remaining friend, and we decide that Halloween at a club is no fun with just two people. So we cancel the whole thing.

The same happens even when someone else in our group tries to organize something, but less often. As a countermeasure, I tried organizing things more last-minute, like the day before, the morning of, or even the afternoon of the event. But then people either say they have other plans and I should have told them earlier, or politely refuse because it's not within their taste.

After many failed plans early on, I quickly learned that anything and everything other than a resounding "yes", and an advance ticket purchase, is a "no". I don't have everyone's e-mail addresses, and not all my friends use Facebook, so things like Evite is out of the question. I have to plan things the old way: by phone. My other friends, for some reason, have fewer problems organizing big events. I resigned myself to pretty much never suggesting anything major, only little things like where to eat after swimming in a lake all day (that they planned and invited me to do). Instead, I just accept their invitations, which are usually pretty fun events.

My saving grace has been two things: Meetup and solo cruising. Most Meetup groups have clear rules against no-showing and canceling last minute: you do it too many times, you get kicked out of the group. This way, I don't have to herd cats; Meetup does it for me. I get to pick what event to attend, it's already pre-planned, and I know 100% that people will be there, so all I need to worry about is showing up. Solo cruising is another great thing. Knowing how difficult it is for me to organize a mundane night at a club, I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to organize a vacation. With solo cruising, the cruise line does the organizing for me, I don't have to plan for anyone but myself, and I make friends easily on the ship, so no loneliness.

And now, on with my questions. Please share your thoughts.
Why is organizing an event with a group of friends feel like herding cats?
Aren't NTs supposed to enjoy doing group activities instinctively?
Does this have anything to do with my charisma or lack thereof?

Last edited by Aspie1 on 22 Apr 2014, 10:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sure... invite everyone to do the same things that they would be doing anyways?

If you want to make plans that everyone shows up for, and actually feels responsible, join a bowling league or something.

Amen. This is the reason why I gave up on organizing LAN parties for my friends. People would forget to show up, or they'd bring half-broken computers, or they would want to play games that not everyone owned.

Here's a special article: "The secrets of herding cats":

http://thearchdruidreport.blogspot.ca/2 ... -cats.html

Horrible!! ! Hahahaha!! !

Don't worry, Aspie1,

"It will all work out". (that is the NT's mantra, right?)

Hehehe. Loved the way you described this.

Rings so true when I've tried to be the organiser.

Don't even bother. NTs are impossible to plan stuff with. They will think something is a good idea but than completely forget about it an hour later when some one else comes along and engages them in another spontaneus conversation which may lead to some short term endeaver such as getting coffee or what ever else doesn't require too muc time or effort. Yup. I used to constantly get disapointed when some cool plan that I would actually look forward to would quickly disolve. Nowdays all my plans include only me, myself, and I. I follow through with them and don't get disappointed.

For anyone....if they really want to do it, they will be there and pretty much on time.

Lots of people have problems "committing" to most anything. I'm amazed they manage to hold a job.

You can say that again! To add insult to the injury, the person who hijacks your plans has no merits other than being "better" than you (read: more socially skilled). What's even worse is that the hijacker's plans are often nowhere near as fun, even in NTs' world, as your original ones. For example, their idea to sit on a patio around talking vs. your idea to go to a beer garden with mellow rock music and craft beers. That's exactly why I love Meetup and cruising solo. I can't get over how orderly and predictable they are. Meetup events always happen as scheduled, at the right time at the right location, and when they don't, you get advance notice. In other words, if a Meetup event listing says the group is going to a beer garden on Thursday at 7:00 PM, that's what's going to happen, non-negotiable. Cruising by yourself is also great because no one can change your plans unilaterally except the cruise line (which is something to be expected when going on a cruise in the first place).

Yeah, that was what I was thinking too when this topic came up. It's got nothing to do with being busy or forgetting or getting into other plans. It's all about hierarchy, and using the situation to put us in what they think is our place by exerting passive-aggressive methods. It's down to lack of respect.
I would never even bother trying. I'm very glad all my interests are solitary stuff.

Last edited by Skilpadde on 06 May 2014, 4:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

I recognize everything you mention here lol. These days if anyone is actually trying to pull something together and include me, I just tell them to let me know when they have decided because, apparently unlike them, I generally do not care if it is at 7 or 9, Friday or Saturday, going by bus, cab, or car, etc. I just want to know what the deal is.

Perhaps I'm unusually flexible for an Aspie or the problem is that I am not so hung up on the social rules that it truly doesn't make sense to me why people insist on planning the perfect weekend, etc. I'm just content if I get out of the house and have a nice conversation with someone. :-/