Feeling unwanted

Post Reply New Topic

Does anyone else have this issue of always, or at least nearly always, feeling unwanted? I do. Nearly all the time I feel that people don't want my company, if they do tolerate my company it is only out of feeling that they ought to be nice to me rather than because they really want me around.

A few times in my life, people have come out honestly and told me they don't want me around. There hasn't even been any obvious reason, at least not one that has been obvious to me. For example, once I was travellng on my own in Germany, and I met 2 girls at a youth hostel who were also cycling, so I asked if I could join them as we were going the same way. They said OK, but without much enthusiasm. So the 3 of us cycled together for a way. I tried to make a bit of conversation. I didn't do or say anything offensive. But suddenly one of them turned and said, "Could you leave us alone?". The other one was a bit shocked at her friend's rudeness and told her she shouldn't speak like that. But obviously the only difference was that she was more polite about it. So I left them to go off by themselves. There have been a few other similar incidents when people have been blunt about it. It makes me think that when people don't say it, nevertheless it's what they are thinking, they are just too polite to say so expressly. Generally people just don't seem to want me around. Even my wife does not seem to want to spend much time with me. She goes out and does her own thing at weekends and makes excuses if I ask her to go somewhere with me. Well, occasionally she agrees, but it usually seems like she is reluctant. Maybe it's a false impression I have, I don't know. But the feeling is something that is always with me.

i get this all the time.... i understand what you are going through...

i used to think it was because i was hidiously ugly... but people on here have told me otherwise

im just as stumped as you as to why people dont want my company, im accepting of everyone else and would spend time with anyone... but the sentiment isnt often two-way...

maybe its THEM that are anti-social..

You dont look hideously ugly to me, at least to judge by your picture here! I don't think I'm hideously ugly either, not saying I'm handsome but I figure I'm average. I'm like you, I can't figure it out. I am also very accepting of others - people have commented to me about this - and I am ready to spend time with anyone, be friendly, help them if they need it - but it seems to make no difference.

But you can't say that everyone is antisocial, can you? Or just about everyone? Now that I come to think of it, there have in the past been a couple of people who have sought out my company. But really, they were people who were mentally disturbed (literally, I'm not kidding you). Everyone else knew it and would steer clear of them. Whereas I felt sympathy for them and so I would treat them kindly and they would keep coming back to me, which actually became quite a burden after a while.

Maybe I.m mentally disturbed myself, eh? Could explain it. But I'm nothing like these people: I hold down a good job, have a good education, married.... I'm thinking aloud... I guess people find me eccentric. A former friend told me once that when the two of us walked down the street together he would notice people staring at me. This was news to me, I had never noticed it., and I stilll don't notice it. But he wouldn't have been making it up. I don't know why people would stare at me. I have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 legs, 2 arms and a nose, etec etc, I don't look any different from other people, and when I'm walking around I just walk around like anybody else. So I can't figure it out.

Anyway, I'm rambling on too much now....

You don't look ugly to me either. I really think it is to do with all the little social clues as to what to do next - apparently Aspies don't pick them up, we are blind to them in many ways. Looking back, I know this is true of me and I still get it wrong now though it gets better with practice, you can get to pretend to be quite normal as long as you really keep a hold on yourself, but the stress and strain of that is difficult to maintain for any length of time.

I was with a friend the other day and a new girl or woman was there, I went into the kitchen with every intention of saying good morning and asking when her baby was due, that is what you do, so I went in and all I could do was stare and point and nod. Sigh. Its hard isn't it. I just left the room under a pretense and sat on my own again because I just couldn't get the pretending together enough.

A really weird thing in class is that my tutor thinks I am really quiet, but I feel noisy or like I am joining in - can anyone else relate to that?

I get that alot, too. In fact, that is why I have adopted the rhino persona. Rhinos are generally solitary creatures. Although they do it by choice. I want a tattoo of a rhino with the swahili word for "Outcast" scripted under it. I have always been an outcast. I will probably die alone. Sometimes I ask myself "if a tree falls in the middle of a forest and there isn't anyoue around, will it make a sound? Will anyone care?"

Yes.

I never could figure it out either.I always tried to be nice and helpful,as my parents taught me to be(unless someone starts talking about politics or being mean or sexest,then I do speak my mind and piss people off).But that doesnt happen that often.
I have had a few people seek me out for friendship...they tend to fall into either the very mentally ill(some of whom I have liked), or the "care takers"...Actually I dont mind that.I have no shame,I will except company out of pity and sometimes they do end up liking me for awhile.

One very strange thing I have noticed is that when I am in a situation where the people and I are forced to be together....psych wards and treatment centers.....people have actually liked me.I think it is because they are not really NT...I never maintained the relationships afterwards though,partly my fault.As an adult,I have pushed as many people away with my long needs for solitude and difficulty in social situations that they like.

Totally....the problem is, when you have been rejected a number of times, you start anticipating the next one and so are never able to totally relax and be yourself in the company of others... even online, I am always on edge, waiting for the next person to run off screaming when they realise I am not what they expected, or when they realise that unlike most, I don't put on this stupid fake act of being happy, happy, happy all the time. There is little worse than fairweather friends, imho.

rarely, i have alot of self worth even though i'm not social and dont have any friends, i know that sounds abit wierd but its true lol

That is well put. I wish I had thought of putting it that way!

Being rejected was the story of my life and people were not shy or polite about it either. My ex-wife would get invited to places all the time and it would be made very clear to her that I was not welcome. I am convinced it has to do with body language and all of the other hidden NT codes that I still can't fully comprehend. Things have gotten much better as I've gotten older. People tend to be a little more accepting of my faults and I have learned how to communicate better. I will never be the life of the party or a social butterfly but things have improved.

I seem to have this affect on people too. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I was in the common room at university and there was a group of three or four people talking, a couple of them were people I had seen in the room a bit and had said 'hi' to etc. and I was just sitting there drinking tea and doing a crossword and they were talking about something I happened to have read about so I kind of blurted out and tried to join in the conversation. They sort of responded but then quickly they just sort of stopped listening to me and started to sort of turn away and disregard me. I just carried on an tried to participate because I didn't want to give them the easy option of me just shutting up, I felt that if they despised me that much; they were going to have to tell me to go away themselves. They didn't actually say anything but after a while they said there goodbyes to each other but not me. I get this all the time, I speak to people, they don't respond; I would actually prefer it a lot better if they just explicitly said 'go away', that way at least I wouldn't have the confusion if I should be somewhere or if I should be talking to/IM'ing someone etc.

I have the capacity to suck all the joy out of any situation as I take from but don`t contribute to social situations. I realised this eventually as the most likely reason people are not comfortable with me around so now I volutarily participate as little as possible. I recently had a celebration and brought a cake but didn`t`invite myself to the party - everyone was happy!

I think too that the anti-social label is unfair as I think that we become that way only after countless rejections by the so called sociable people.

I think you are interesting AFTL and was wondering what you were doing in WP as you seem so very much okay.

I know the feeling. When I was a child, I knew what it was like to try to play with the other neighborhood kids and they told you, "I'm not allowed to have company". And now I realized it was a damn lie because you would see them playing with some other kid two minute later.

The worst was when a neighbor child had a birthday party and every kid in the neighborhood was invited except me. This party was outside in the backyard where I could see all of this taking place. When I saw that, I started crying and told my parents. "Why nobody likes me." "How come I never get invited to any parties?" What was worse was that my parents didn't do anything about it. All they did was just shrug their shoulders and say, "Sweetpraline, I don't know why the other kids don't like you. Whatever it is you're doing, you need to stop doing it." The worst part is my parents didn't have my back.

If I was a parent, and my child was left out like that. I would have marched down that street and walked into the middle of that party and said "Excuse me, is my child not good enough to be invited to this party?" I would have put all those kids and their parents in their place.

As I got older and got into my teenage years, I started to withdraw and be more of a loner because I got sick and tired of trying to beg folks to be my friend when they didn't want to be.

Oh, hell yes. I actually had a bit of a rut with this a few weeks ago, nearly committed suicide. It was awful.

There's only one real solution: Realize that no one is obligated to want anyone else. Essentially, no one is wanted for who they really are. They're wanted for the effects they leave on the people they encounter.

Then look at who you are. Who are you? I'm an artist, myself. It's just what I do. My primary concern in life is discerning what is aesthetically acceptable and what is not.

Finish off by starting to want yourself. No one else needs to want you if you want yourself.

Antidepressants help if you're not mixing them with anything else.