New Aspie Looking for GuideBook to Living on Planet Earth

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Well,

I got my diagnosis a few months ago, and although I'm more comfortable with my deficiencies now, I also feel like I'm using them as a crutch. This is my big secret. It's the reason I'm "mean" to people I want to be nice to. It's the reason I'm cold and standoffish toward people I want to get to know. It's probably also the reason I prefer to spend my time alone, have kind of given up on socializing, and view the world with a cold and cynical lens. The friends I have, with few exceptions, are the friends I've always had.

Crippling anxiety keeps me from stepping too far out of my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel guilty about the simplest of things, making new friends, staying out too late, etc.

I also notice the very annoying tendency I have to misread social cues or not even pick up on them at all. I'm guilty of oversharing, not sharing enough, or just being "weird." It made me popular in college, briefly, but mostly it hasn't done me any favors.

Really, I wish I had an answer to all of this. I've been so unmotivated lately. I'm thinking of millions of things to do, but I just have no energy without having people around to help me with my projects, encourage me, or at least distract me. The few people I can find, though, are busy with their own lives and won't focus enough to be much fun. Life has kind of tried to chew me up and spit me out.

There is a guidebook and it will help you. It is called A Field Guide To Earthlings

A Field Guide To Earthlings
book description

Wow, that's refreshing news. Do you think it will work for me? I'm nearly thirty. I've just come to accept that I'm "weird." I tend to attract people who are different. Too many of my friends are people who are mentally ill. Oddly, even THEY are better at navigating the social world than me. It's a bit humiliating to be more out-of-touch with the world than someone with serious mental illnesses.

Okay, I finished most of that book. It's discouraging how non-autistics are portrayed as selfish deceptive beings who are only concerned with their goals, accumulation of power, and higher status in the group, but it does perhaps explain a lot. Has anyone had any luck playing the communication game? If so, what works for you? I've tried gaining more credentials to earn a higher rank, and that has given me more self-esteem, but it's not a perfect solution.

I haven't read that book, what's the communication game?

I like How to Win Friends and Influence People, although I'm only partway through it because it's a somewhat meaty book and I'm a slacker. Mostly for the second reason.

I feel like I've accumulated a lot of "book smarts" on social skills, but I often have trouble knowing what to do in the moment. Still, I'm trying to write a short guide on with some tips I've learned, but it's not done yet.

I was referring to the "communication games" mentioned in the book A Field Guide to Earthlings. It's actually a pretty informative read, but I'm not sure if everything in it is one-hundred percent accurate. I know for a fact that you can get away with not knowing all of the rules; just avoid groups. I've read How to Win Friends and Influence People; It's a great book, but it didn't cover social skills in-depth or explain why I have trouble with so many little aspects of socializing, like scanning crowds, filtering out noise, conquering intense anxiety, etc. It's pretty hard to get along and practice the tips Carnegie's book if you can't get past the trees to see the forest. Field Guide to Earthlings, though, painted a pretty bleak picture. After reading it, I think I can get along better than expected with neurotypicals. I inhabit my own space and still don't always give the ecologically-appropriate response in every situation, but I do get by. People are smart; they can make adjustments.

Plus, I work as an ESL teacher, so my different perspective is valued. I went to school first, though, to become a regular Ed high school teacher. Needless to say, working with teenagers has proven to be a challenge. Children are not very forgiving, contrary to the popular belief, and communication problems are not tolerated well.

I'm almost finished reading A Field Guild to Earthlings. I found a lot of it disturbing. In particular that the appearance of of being altruistic is the same as being altruistic in the NT world. I confirmed many of the concepts presented in the book with my NT girlfriend (which has been alienating for me).

I'm not perfect by any long shot but I've always tried to do good. It bothers me that most people are only concerned about appearing to have good intentions...and that's just the ones who even bother to try to put up facades. I'm not really comfortable associating with people who have this kind of mindset. I feel like I've been a naive child walking among wolves. This is exactly why I don't get ahead in this world. Knowing this is only partly a help. It doesn't mean I'm suddenly adept in social situations. I just know to approach with more caution now.

I thought about some of what I read in the book, and it does make sense. Since NTs don't normally perceive the entire thing, just symbols for it, they're likely not to want to investigate. If someone says that he or she gives to this charity or that charity and always talks about what he or she can do for others, it does seem reasonable that the person would succeed in convincing a lot of people that he or she is a good person. I think anyone could fall for that, really, and, since most people aren't observant enough to be able to read a person's true intentions, they might just begin to believe that a person who says that he or she is a good person and always looking out for others actually is what he or she says she or he is.

I think a lot of this depends upon the culture, though. I, for one, was raised in a culture where tooting your own horn was highly discouraged. To this day, I believe that telling people how awesome you are is a great way to make them start focusing on your flaws. I don't have very many friends, though, for following my personal philosophy, and I notice that others are just the opposite; they think they need to be heard and seen before they can be perceived as "good." Although it's not always the case, I was taught that those people who constantly draw attention to their own rightness are usually the ones who have the most to hide. I, for instance, would not trust the politician who claims he's going to make all of these reforms and then sticks to the same policies he has always stuck to, lobbying for companies that won't help anyone but him, but most people vote with the their hearts, not their heads. That's one of the great problems with this country.

I guess a person on the Autism spectrum can benefit from this, though, by building sort of an informal resume and carefully mentioning the activities he or she is in to others to who enjoy similar things. Who knows? Maybe you will find someone who genuinely is into those things and isn't just talking. Maybe you will find someone who passionately speaks about helping out with the homeless and actually does care about helping out with the homeless. It's a good way to build your resume and meet people who might have something in common with you.