Difficulty With Getting Close to Others

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slw1990
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02 Dec 2015, 12:05 am

Nocturnus wrote:
You have a strong self awareness and that is the first step to realizing what works for you, dating is sometimes good because it is one and one and chatting to people online before dating can really help because it gives you chance to explain your difficulties and build a certain level of comfort.


IncredibleFrog wrote:
I do think dating is different since it's generally one-on-one (aside from group or double dates, which I think are kind of dumb anyway). So, I don't think this will affect your chances of finding a SO so much as being part of a group.


I do better one on one, but when I don't function so good or socialize as well with others, along with the bad experiences I've had, it feels like I might not be able to have the kind of relationship that someone would have with their SO. I don't mean to say I'm giving up, but it seems that way.



Kitty4670
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02 Dec 2015, 1:42 pm

dobyfm wrote:
This is very common amongst us Aspies. I think it is because you like your space and forming close relationships means the feeling of having to see the person all the time.

I am like this too. I prefer to be home than go out with a group.

At times I do wish I could handle social situations. When I watch shows like Sex and the City and see the women go out in groups or attend grandiouse parties I do get a bit jealous. But then remind myself that I would feel unhappy there anyway. :study:



I'm like that too, I rather stay home then go out with people. When I watch TV like Friends, I wish I can handle being with people & I do feel left out. Everyone having fun but me, I feel a little jealous too.



Nist498
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04 Dec 2015, 9:36 pm

I've had this issue too. I often have trouble both feeling close to people as well as how to get close to people. Often times it feels like my emotions just shut down completely. That said I have found that repetition does lead to fondness and at least in regards to SOs you will eventually start to develop closer connections to them. It might start as little things such as desiring to spend more time with them or wanting to do certain things for them. The big thing is making sure they understand your feelings as well as how to best approach you for what they want. For some people with AS it requires their partner to be very direct and to the point and with others there's a bit of leeway. Getting to know your partner's idiosyncrasies is part of developing that bond too.


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05 Dec 2015, 2:02 am

People stronger than you are best avoided, because they can beat the crap out of you. People weaker than you, including---most, anyway---children, and women if you're a man, are best avoided, because someone can decide you're taking advantage of them and you can get the crap beaten out of you. Particularly important for aspies is to remember people don't need to be fair or reasonable when judging you, and complaining will only make them angrier. Telling them they are being unreasonable will similarly further aggravate them.


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05 Dec 2015, 4:32 am

It's okay, I understand exactly how you feel. :)

When talking to others, I'm very good at talking about myself but then I feel extremely hesitant to respond to things other people have said. Especially when it's someone I'm not really familiar with. It's like something inside me blocks up completely that stops me from figuring out what I can say to someone. It could be that I'm unfamiliar with the preferred style of conversation this particular person has, but I don't know.

I also tend to feel exhausted even after I've had a smallest conversation with someone. To me, socializing is a lot of hard work. I can go for days without talking to people and feel either fulfilled or just plain lonely. In fact, I only have three friends who I hang out with regularly (as in once every few weeks or so) who I've known for a very long time and are very understanding of my situation. But I also have plenty of acquaintances who I haven't really gotten to know fully yet, let alone them knowing anything about me.


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13 Dec 2015, 3:05 am

My favorite kind of contact is one-on-one. My least favorite is when there are others and I don't know them. But then I default to either joking (puns are something everyone universally groans at!), or something that's taken me a long time to learn: Faking it 'til you make it. I force myself to stop thinking about how I am coming off to others, and pretend to be more comfortable than I am.

I think the biggest key to eventually getting better at social contact, though, was telling myself that we're all the same. I stopped making the distinction between aspies and non-aspies, social butterflies and social moths. I chose to be expressive of who I am, which includes being interested in others' interests. My friends sometimes say I come off as too much sometimes. Sometimes it's because I say dumb stuff when I can't think of other things to say, haha!

This might have just been rambling, but maybe it'll help. Most of the friends I have today, the first thing I said to them was to ask for help in something. Then conversation developed, and here we are! It can feel awkward and embarrassing, but I apologize often and it's ended up okay; some friends I've lost, but that's okay. :)


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goatfish57
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13 Dec 2015, 8:07 am

dobyfm wrote:
This is very common amongst us Aspies. I think it is because you like your space and forming close relationships means the feeling of having to see the person all the time.

I am like this too. I prefer to be home than go out with a group.

At times I do wish I could handle social situations. When I watch shows like Sex and the City and see the women go out in groups or attend grandiouse parties I do get a bit jealous. But then remind myself that I would feel unhappy there anyway. :study:


Well said, I am jealous of people who can socialize and have fun. Forming emotional connections eludes me. People come and go. In the end, I am alone.


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probly.an.aspie
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13 Dec 2015, 8:24 am

I too struggle with this. OP, your first post opening this thread was pretty much an echo of what often happens to me in social interactions. I am ok with one-on-one most of the time. Groups--i am pretty much a watcher and occasional commenter. Always feel like i am "a day late and a dollar short" when it comes to keeping up with conversation.

I have a few friends who i truly connect with one-on-one. Funny thing is, i don't do stuff with them in groups much; but when i have seen them in action in a group they are much more adept at it than i am--pretty good in groups. So i am not sure if it is totally an "aspies attract other aspies" thing in my case. But both of them have children who are on the spectrum, so even if they are not aspies they are used to being around them.

And though i am a "watcher and occasional commenter" in groups, the way my mind works gives me a different take on the topic of discussion at times; i have had people tell me they look forward to hearing what i have to say because it gives them a new view of a topic or something interesting to think about. So that has helped me to not feel that my social interactions are totally in vain. I am not comfortable with groups, but at times i can contribute something valuable. So, if this happens for you, you may be more valuable in a group than you think. I still mostly avoid groups though--this has happened at times when i had no choice but to be in one. :)


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17 Dec 2015, 8:24 am

Interesting. I think I'm missing something, too - I find it easy to talk with people about a topic we're both interested in, and have done so in several groups over the past few months. I can jump in and keep the conversation going, and since I don't do superficial conversation it is almost always on 'deep' topics, something with substance like spirituality, health/gender, science, addiction, etc. But something is still missing because though I can sometimes see the same person three times a week and have these good discussions - that's it. Nothing ever develops past us being two people able to have a lively conversation when we meet. There is no 'closeness,' and I think this may be due to an emotional deficit/alexithymia. Do you feel closeness to these people, even if you don't say much? Because I can talk to someone for hours and there still isn't any closeness.


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slw1990
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17 Dec 2015, 10:35 pm

C2V wrote:
Do you feel closeness to these people, even if you don't say much? Because I can talk to someone for hours and there still isn't any closeness.


I usually can feel close to them when we talk about personal things. Even if I'm with them in a group and I'm just sitting there listening I think I can still feel connected.

Thanks again everyone for the replies. :)



PizzaForBreakfast
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18 Dec 2015, 12:27 pm

Yes I have the same problems getting close to people like 90% of the time. On the odd occasion that it does happen i feel really good about myself for some time, but i never seem to be able to hang on to that mentality. My take on this is that we have more difficulty than others when it comes to dealing with negative experiences, which in turn makes it harder to trust people we meet and say what's on our mind for fear of beeing rejected.

On a related note, have any of you tried not masturbating for a few weeks? When i do this is becomes easier to talk to people, it's like a little confidence booster. Drugs help as well (uppers, downers not so much) but I try to avoid using them.



Kitty4670
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19 Dec 2015, 5:43 pm

PizzaForBreakfast wrote:
Yes I have the same problems getting close to people like 90% of the time. On the odd occasion that it does happen i feel really good about myself for some time, but i never seem to be able to hang on to that mentality. My take on this is that we have more difficulty than others when it comes to dealing with negative experiences, which in turn makes it harder to trust people we meet and say what's on our mind for fear of beeing rejected.

On a related note, have any of you tried not masturbating for a few weeks? When i do this is becomes easier to talk to people, it's like a little confidence booster. Drugs help as well (uppers, downers not so much) but I try to avoid using them.



I like your username, I ordered pizza last night & I had pizza for breakfast, LOL :D :heart:



esoterica181
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21 Dec 2015, 12:41 am

Say what you don't want to say.



PizzaForBreakfast
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21 Dec 2015, 10:46 am

Kitty4670 wrote:
I like your username, I ordered pizza last night & I had pizza for breakfast, LOL :D :heart:

Awesome! cold margharita is my favourite :mrgreen:



kraftiekortie
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21 Dec 2015, 5:52 pm

I like pepperoni and ziti pizza!



slw1990
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22 Dec 2015, 6:47 pm

I like black olives and plain cheese. :)