Why do I buy Xmas gifts for people who don't buy for me?

Page 1 of 1 [ 9 posts ] 

krackatoa
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jan 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

20 Dec 2015, 6:50 pm

Am I mistaken that they are close friends? Because they are all the friends I have. None of them buy me gifts and I go out of my way to buy them nice ones.



the_phoenix
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,489
Location: up from the ashes

20 Dec 2015, 6:55 pm

Maybe you could give the Christmas gifts to charity instead.
The gifts would probably be better appreciated that way,
and you would be doing some good.

...



AspieUtah
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2014
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,118
Location: Brigham City, Utah

20 Dec 2015, 7:15 pm

krackatoa wrote:
Am I mistaken that they are close friends? Because they are all the friends I have. None of them buy me gifts and I go out of my way to buy them nice ones.

I adopted a gift policy many years ago from (I believe) Miss Manners. The policy is this: If a family member or friend fails to reciprocate in gift giving, especially if they have received a gift from me, they might have financial reasons for their failings. It would be rude to ask why, so it is best to reduce my gift giving to the individual by sharing a greeting card only in the next year, and nothing the year after that. Maybe the individual can no longer afford gifts for others. My continuing to give gifts under that scenario might continue the embarassment that the individual might feel. Or, if the individual doesn't share gift giving with me because the individual is angry with me or disdains my choice of gift, my sharing of a gift might only prolong the anger.

This policy has the benefit of curtailing the feeling of being left out of reciprocal gift giving; at least after a year or two. If the individual suddenly resumes sharing gifts with me, I am happy to do the same.

I use this policy at Christmas and birthdays. I haven't been asked why I do this by those with whom I have done so, so there might be something to the logic. However, I remain as inclusive and friendly to the individual(s) as ever.


_________________
Diagnosed in 2015 with ASD Level 1 by the University of Utah Health Care Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic using the ADOS-2 Module 4 assessment instrument [11/30] -- Screened in 2014 with ASD by using the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre AQ (Adult) [43/50]; EQ-60 for adults [11/80]; FQ [43/135]; SQ (Adult) [130/150] self-reported screening inventories -- Assessed since 1978 with an estimated IQ [≈145] by several clinicians -- Contact on WrongPlanet.net by private message (PM)


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

20 Dec 2015, 7:26 pm

I think that's sensible.



Rocket123
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Dec 2012
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,188
Location: Lost in Space

20 Dec 2015, 7:36 pm

Generally, I avoid exchanging gifts with others.

I don’t want to have the feeling that:
- They gave me something and I did not reciprocate
- I gave them something and they did not reciprocate
- We exchanged gifts, but they spent more than me or visa versa

It’s just easier to not exchange gifts. But that’s just me.



krackatoa
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jan 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

20 Dec 2015, 7:53 pm

That is sensible, that some people can't afford to reciprocate gifts. But, the two friends I got gifts for didn't get me any back and they have plenty of money. I didn't have anyone else to give gifts to, and I wanted to give gifts. I have no family- no parents, siblings, children. But, apparently, I'm not as valuable to them as they are to me. Their families are probably mostly all they think about.



krackatoa
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jan 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

20 Dec 2015, 8:09 pm

I'm just not feeling valued as a friend, because I'm not close enough to anyone that they would consider buying me a gift. But, I'm the only one without any family. I am giving to charity, a significant amount, as well. I'm just down because I'm wondering if my friends are real friends and if they value me as much as I value them.



AspieUtah
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2014
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,118
Location: Brigham City, Utah

20 Dec 2015, 8:29 pm

Image
Merry Christmas, krackatoa! :D

At WrongPlanet.net, everybody is valued just the way they are.


_________________
Diagnosed in 2015 with ASD Level 1 by the University of Utah Health Care Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic using the ADOS-2 Module 4 assessment instrument [11/30] -- Screened in 2014 with ASD by using the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre AQ (Adult) [43/50]; EQ-60 for adults [11/80]; FQ [43/135]; SQ (Adult) [130/150] self-reported screening inventories -- Assessed since 1978 with an estimated IQ [≈145] by several clinicians -- Contact on WrongPlanet.net by private message (PM)


krackatoa
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jan 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

20 Dec 2015, 9:04 pm

Thank you. :) That is very sweet, AspieUtah!