How do you cope with a pregnant friend when you hate babies?

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StewartMango
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17 Jan 2016, 5:24 pm

Ok, maybe hate is too strong of a word, but it 'dislike' wouldn't fit in the subject.

Anywho, no offense to any parents or people who love babies, but I just don't like them and I'm already aware I was a baby once. A friend of mine is pregnant and although she is understanding of my Aspergers and how I dislike babies, I would still like advice on how to handle a friendship with a mother when you don't like her children. I did research on this and a lot of people called people like me incentive, self-centered, or jealous. I know a few people will say hurtful things anyway, but maybe I get some good advice from others who experienced this or knew someone who did. I never liked babies and obviously I don't want children.

Again, I apologize if I offend anyone, I'm trying to get help and I rather talk to others who been through what I'm going through instead of a therapist or psychologist.


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17 Jan 2016, 5:39 pm

I'm not offended.

Be aware when people have children the nature of your friendship may change, especially if you are used to seeing them often. Not always, but quite likely you won't bee seeing them as often, you may even loose touch with them.

Having kid is very life changing. The responsibility can lead to major decision such as moving to a different neighborhood, in order to try to get on to the property ladder or get a more suitable place with cheaper rent.



StewartMango
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17 Jan 2016, 6:36 pm

We're not super close, she's very close with my cousin and luckily so far she understands that I don't like babies, but sometimes when a woman carries a child inside her for 9 months her hormones effect her brain and some women develop a thing called the 'Breeder Brain' and soon, she may not like me anymore.

I knew eventually she would procreate, but I was hoping it was YEARS from now, possibly when I was over my dislike of babies. My cousin loves babies and like I said they're closer to each other than to me, so it's not a big love loss if she never sees me again, especially if I'm not going to like her offspring anyway. I don't consider myself a good person and I can be pretty annoying.


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19 Jan 2016, 8:14 am

Hello Stewart Mango! Nice running into you here. We used to be in some similar facebook groups back before I cancelled my account.

I wish I had some good advice and was more positive. :( It really depends how much you dislike babies. If I recall their noise bothered you a lot. If you are able to avoid or limit your exposure to the baby until it matures a bit it may help. If the friend is coming over to visit and will bring the baby maybe she could rearrange the baby's nap time so that it sleeps while she's visiting. Maybe bring a pacifier or one of those things kids sit in and jump around to amuse themselves. Everyone can then visit and have a good time without being interrupted and not having your ear drums blasted out. :D Other than that I think the only thing that will help you is either naps when the child is young or your friend getting a babysitter on occasion.

I had very little friends with babies or children and none anymore. I cannot handle them. Mostly because of the noise and mainly I cannot focus on two different people at once. And every time I'd try to talk to friends their child would act up because they were not part of the conversation or because no one was paying attention to them. (instead of playing five feet infront of us by themselves) So our limited time spent together in person or on the phone I would hear screaming and miss half of what they were trying to say. Two minutes of conversation, ten minutes entertaining the kid because they got upset they were not the focus of attention. Then two more minutes... then ten... on and on. Makes my head spin.



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19 Jan 2016, 8:34 am

I sympathise, I couldn't stand seeing a relative for the whole term of her pregnancy because I hate that.
Yes, we're aware disliking pregnant women or babies is not PC, moving on.
If your friend understands your dislike of babies, and you only see each other seldom, I don't see why she has to inflict her baby on you. You can still meet up and do adult things, since you're adults. If she has a partner or other relatives who can mind the baby, she might even welcome the break to get out and see her old friends like you, and have some time off. I know my relative's baby was often in daycare while she worked. The same principle could be applied to the baby being in daycare while its mother socialises from time to time.
If there is something about babies that bothers you - such as the noise - then you are not being unkind to her baby in specific, you just can't take that noise. If she is understanding of autism, there shouldn't be cause to take offence at that. If you have explained that, and made it clear you still want to maintain a connection with her for herself after she has the baby but are not untested in children, shouldn't that be ok?
Unfortunately, as has happened with my relative especially after her second baby, she is now incapable of talking about anyone that does not relate to her kids. She won't discuss her job, or her studies, or her interests, or even a movie she saw or an interesting book she read. All she ever does is talk about her kids. If everything about babies bothers you and this happens, the relationship might be doomed. :(
PS : why is it apparently unacceptable to dislike people's babies/children, but not unacceptable for parents to expect everyone else to like / tolerate their children?


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RenaeK
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20 Jan 2016, 8:24 am

I think you need to prepare yourself that your relationship with this person will dramatically suffer.

Understand that she is going through a life changing experience and it is literally all she can think about. When the baby comes, they are demanding and mums have no choice but to think about the baby constantly, and I mean constantly (I'm a mum). She is still the same person, but her main interest and main thing she cares, thinks and talks about will be the baby, for at least about 6/7 years.

If I were you I would expect to not have much to do with her in future, unless you can bring yourself to tolerate talking about babies.



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20 Jan 2016, 10:09 am

StewartMango wrote:
Ok, maybe hate is too strong of a word, but it 'dislike' wouldn't fit in the subject.

Anywho, no offense to any parents or people who love babies, but I just don't like them and I'm already aware I was a baby once. A friend of mine is pregnant and although she is understanding of my Aspergers and how I dislike babies, I would still like advice on how to handle a friendship with a mother when you don't like her children. I did research on this and a lot of people called people like me incentive, self-centered, or jealous. I know a few people will say hurtful things anyway, but maybe I get some good advice from others who experienced this or knew someone who did. I never liked babies and obviously I don't want children.

Again, I apologize if I offend anyone, I'm trying to get help and I rather talk to others who been through what I'm going through instead of a therapist or psychologist.

You lie and tell them the baby is cute. You ask to see pictures, and ask how they are. That's how it's done.



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20 Jan 2016, 1:34 pm

Well keep in mind you don't have to take care of the baby, just make sure she knows you wouldn't be willing to babysit her kid or anything like that so..sounds like she would probably respect that. Aside from that I imagine its traits babies in general share that you dislike, rather than a hate for specific babies....so perhaps taking solace in the fact you'd only see the baby in small doses compared to your friend might help.

If being around babies stresses you out at all perhaps if you are going to visit her and have to put up with the baby being around plan to take some de-stressing time afterwards. Also though even if you generally dislike babies, because this one belongs to your friend he/she might grow on you a little...especially when a more defined personality starts to develop.


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StewartMango
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20 Jan 2016, 9:14 pm

Thanks guys, I'm super depressed about this situation and I can't stand baby talk, so I may have to either terminate the friendship or wait until the baby is older. I didn't hang out with her much, but when I did, my cousin was always there. I can't fake like babies or be happy for pregnancies/births either.

This is why, I try not to get too close with anyone, I don't consider myself a good friend. The childfree and parents hardly ever get along, they're like democrats and republicans or cats and dogs. Sure some can get along, but most don't.


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