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Outrider
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08 Feb 2016, 5:19 am

What I'm going to say might sound absolutely awful, but I feel guilt at even thinking this way even if it's true.

I'll get straight to it and say I feel like my friends cramp my style and make me come across with a 'lower' reputation than what I would consider myself.

It may sound snobby, uptight, and such, but I am trying. I am a confident guy, a very confident guy, who wears the people he's friends with like a badge of honor. I don't usually feel insecure or uncomfortable with my friends when in public with them because I genuinely like who they are, along with their company. And if anyone puts me down for being friends with them, f**k 'em, these are my friends and I care about them and I have every right to be with them,.

It's just, I differ from them in many ways, and sometimes people can judge YOU based on who/what kind of people you're friends with.

For instance, my friends have very poor hygiene.

I however, am very much the opposite. I wear clean clothes and even go the extra mile and dress quite nice and tasteful - my friends just throw whatever on while I dress like my profile pic.

Another thing is, while I do have Aspergers myself, I've learnt decent social skills, along with a confident, comfortable walk/gait that makes me come across as assured.

My friends however, have aspergers or another form of disability, and often walk a little funny with an odd stature.

I try to smile lightly whereever I am, my best friend has this cold, unemotional and neutral expression. He just looks pissed off all the time.

Like I said, I in no way feel 'superior' or 'above' my friends, nor would I want to stop hanging out with them, it's just some situations might make things harder if I spend time with them.

First impressions count to a lot of people, and even if I'm very different from my friends, can still be categorized as similar/the same as them.

Like I said I'm happy to go around with my friends, but still get judged/awkward looks/etc.

Back at school I was friends with a mentally handicapped Year 8 boy. Being the way teens are, I came across a variety of situations where other males criticized me for this. Some males would whisper obscenities, one rude individual actually outright asked me while walking past 'Brah what are u doin'? What the f*cks up? Brah?' I knew he was referring to the fact I was walking with the mentally disabled boy, as I never had trouble before that. And he continued to whisper obscenities. I just ignored the bully.

Maybe I shouldn't bother with people who would judge me or my friends, but honestly, my best friend is the most 'normal' of them all and to some people for instance he could come across as a bit creepy even if he actually isn't that way. He's obese and has severe acne, does not take care of his beard, sub-par hygiene and fashion sense, and cold facial expressions and walk. He looks a bit threatening/unapproachable, to put it nicely. Consideirng I have a confident, upright walk and demeanor, we both could come across as a little intimidating.

This isn't my friend, but this person here reminds me of what my friend generally looks like: http://www.google.com/search?q=basement ... CfsQ_AUIBQ

While the profile picture is of me...

I'm saying it's not just a55h*les who judge me and my friends, sometimes it's 'normal', down-to-earth people that get the wrong idea quickly. We don't look particularly dangerous or nefarious, but I do know pairs/groups of young males are instantly judged in a bad light by most people, especially teenage ones/young adult ones, in my country at least...

This is what I want to avoid.

If judgementael, intolerant people don't like us as soon as they see us, like I said, f*ck 'em. But if even normal, down-to-earth, friendly people look at us and think 'scummy young men/they look like drug dealers/they look like crackheads/a complete mess/troublemakers/gangsters/etc.' there is clearly a problem.

What can I do, or if I bring this up to them, how can I do it without offending my friends?



Ilovesnails
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08 Feb 2016, 9:24 am

Please don't think I'm trying to be mean here, but rather telling you a few things that jumped out at me from your post. You mentioned being a very confident guy but the post has been contrary to that.

Why let the first impressions strangers might get of your friends in a few seconds or minutes effect you? Don't. Everyone makes assumptions about people the first time they see them. A lot of the times it's wrong.

What do you think these strangers are thinking about you when they see you with your friends?

I think you gave yourself the best piece of advice:

Quote:
Maybe I shouldn't bother with people who would judge me or my friends


To answer your question:
Quote:
What can I do, or if I bring this up to them, how can I do it without offending my friends?


There is nothing you can say that wouldn't offend them. No one wants to be told they are fat, smelly,zitty and/or weird and they are cramping your style. :lol: There is like no way you can phrase that nicely.

Quote:
He looks a bit threatening/unapproachable, to put it nicely


Could some of this be because he's been picked on in the past? Kind of tough look to make people leave him alone?

Quote:
while I do have Aspergers myself, I've learnt decent social skills, along with a confident, comfortable walk/gait that makes me come across as assured.


Before you gained these skills/ability to disguise yourself better with NT's things were probably more difficult and frustrating. Learning this probably took some time. Your friends may never learn these skills, they may never be at the level where you feel less embarrassed of them. And Aspies don't always have the same issues, so whereas you can dress nicely, perhaps some of them can't stand certain fabric textures and just dress as they do out of comfort.

How do you know what these normal down to earth people are thinking about your group of friends?



traven
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08 Feb 2016, 10:24 am

Its good to know all sorts of people, and, after all you can learn something from everyone but also it is common to your age to only want to be seen around your alikes, which is less important later in life, or it should be.
I did some fostercare for young adults with legal problems, I would emphasize the importance of having different sorts of friends, and develope a broader identity than, in this case, petty crime.
For you that could be making friends outside the autistic/disabled group, without abandoning those who you're friends with already, by joining a hobby group, or who knows dancing lessons (good to meet girls and interact with them).



Outrider
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08 Feb 2016, 7:43 pm

Yes my friend has suffered a lot emotionally but I have as well. He's far more apathetic about his 'image'. Perhaps he's the 'more confident' one then in this department.

I don't know, I just get distressed. It could all be in my head, maybe I just live in a bad city (it does have high crime rate and people generally look unfriendly), maybe I really do get strange looks, negative looks, etc. or some combination of all three.

I'm actually fine at not caring what other's think, it's just in situations where you SHOULD, things could be harder - e.g. meeting new people...people usually do judge you for your friends as the friends you are with at the time are your 'reference point'.

My Mum and step-dad themselves said they find my best friend extremely rude, impolite and a little arrogant, even if he doesn't mean to be this.

Also, as I'm getting older when you're a young adult male you've got to be more careful to look less intimidating/dangerous because other males could challenge you to fight/insult you, shopkeepers can call the police for suspicious behavior, etc.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to believe you've got to at least semi-blend in to not come across as threatening.

See, even I come across this way slightly I think. I have a sort of 'domineering' walk to me, can also have a 'cold' looking expression, and this combined with the way my friends look makes us look a bit threatening.



TheSpectrum
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11 Feb 2016, 6:21 pm

How we see ourselves and how others see us can be very contrasting.

Just work on being your own person. If you're a cool guy, no one can cramp your style.


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