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RetroGamer87
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01 Jun 2017, 5:49 am

There's this guy at work who's really charismatic. He seems to have so much social energy. He has so much enthusiasm. People like him. How can I be like that?

Sometimes I have no energy and I'm shy. Sometimes I feel energetic so I speak a lot. People find it overbearing. He speaks a lot and people like it. When I speak loudly people tell me to be quite. When he speaks loudly people don't mind a bit. I want to be like him.

How can I be charismatic and well liked?


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Outrider
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01 Jun 2017, 6:07 am

It's extremely difficult.

For some people it comes naturally and always will, other's it's painfully difficult.

You must have a conventional personality that is align with what's considered popular or interesting in your workplace.

If this isn't the case, don't bother because even if you try to confidently pull off a strange or unconventional personality, it won't work.

I was very 'confident' in high school, had a loud, goofy, silly, playful personality, but plenty of people found me annoying and didn't like me.

My sense of humor was extremely random, just throwing anything at the wall and seeing what stuck.

In senior year I went to a new school and was a little more liked. I wasn't so stupidly random with my humor but was more tactful and put more thought into what I did and said.

Honestly, what you need to understand is also a lot of people have their own already existing biases before you even open your mouth.

If you're significantly overweight for example, or have an unattractive looking face, etc. than from the get-go people will treat you discriminately.

You haven't given me much to work with, like how to be charismatic in certain situations, but here's my advice:

1. Do you want charisma, confidence or assertiveness? These are all slightly different in their own ways. Personally, I see charisma as good social skills, making people laugh, banter, etc. confidence as self-belief, and assertiveness as being dominant and getting what you want.

2. All social groups are the same, in that each group has its own 'theme'.

EVERY social group you'll ever join has acceptable humor, unacceptable humor, acceptable topics to talk about, unacceptable things to talk about, etc. and these all depend entirely on the group.

Your workplace probably has social groups as well and is cliquey.

A charismatic man is in-tune and adapts and conforms to the theme of the group.

If it's a 'nerd' group that talks mostly about science and maths and most of the group members find talking about sports boring, a charismatic man will chameleon himself to the group and be able to blend-in.

3. So firstly, find a group of people to befriend who are most similar to you.

If your personality is too unconventional and doesn't fit into any group well enough, you can keep trying but it'll be more difficult than if you had a more conventional personality, you can instead try to impress and befriend people individually, or not bother trying at all.

4. A charismatic man has confidence, he believes he is an interesting and likable person once he makes the effort. Do you have confidence yet?

5. A charismatic man also has interesting stories and experiences to tell, he needs to back-up his confidence with real-world evidence that he has done a lot and seen a lot.



GiantHockeyFan
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01 Jun 2017, 11:18 am

For me, joining (and later re-joining) Toastmasters really helped a lot with this. Not only is it an excellent organization but you will be extra motivated to stand out when you hear boring speaker after boring speaker. The feedback I get is that I am a very energetic and passionate speaker, something that would have never described me in my pre-Toastmasters life.



BTDT
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01 Jun 2017, 11:35 am

Maybe you could figure out why you have low energy and work on fixing that? I think the most common problem is not getting enough sleep every day.



RetroGamer87
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01 Jun 2017, 5:32 pm

I don't know why I have low energy. I don't have insomnia. I have energy some of the time but not at other times.


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01 Jun 2017, 6:11 pm

You are not this and I'm only giving an example to explain clearly what I see in socializing. There are two types of autistics that I believe will help you understand charisma:

There is the autistic who cusses and swears at everyone. He tries to fight with everyone, because he feels they are all inferior and in the way of his life.

Then there is the autistic who is the complete opposite. He compliments and helps everyone nervously. He is shy and he feels like he is inferior to everyone, and he feels he is in the way of everyone.

You need to find a balance between these two examples. I have been trying to find a balance between the two in my life. We are all merely human.



RetroGamer87
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05 Jun 2017, 4:27 pm

I hate it when I feel inferior to certain people. I want to be able to complement people and I want to stop bellittling myself. I want to be able to compliment people and lift them up without turning it into a negative about myself like I usually do.

I want to figure outr how I can be like this example from Quora.

Quote:
What I’m about to reveal to you is by far the most effective, long-term path to popularity; it works like a special magnetic charm that gravitates people from all paths of life towards you. It’s above looks, above money, and above crazy parties.

When I was in elementary school, there was this green-eyed girl with long, flowing brown hair and perfectly tanned skin, who we’ll call Cece. Cece was always surrounded by other students fascinated with her presence. She gloriously strolled into the classroom with every pair of eyes set on her. When she opened her mouth to speak, ears followed her speech up and down as if it was a captivating melody; she was the most popular girl in school. Absolutely everybody yearned to be around her.

What was her secret? She made everybody around her feel good. She spread happiness and positivity by making others feel appreciated, special, and seen.

It was her charisma, a combination of warmth and power.


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kraftiekortie
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06 Jun 2017, 1:37 pm

The first step is realizing you are as VALID a person as somebody who is "charismatic."

One should also have a "devil-may-care" attitude while also listening to people who might have concerns. That combination usually leads to one being "charismatic."



RetroGamer87
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06 Jun 2017, 1:53 pm

That would require me to be good in life. Instead I'm always the guy chasing two rabbits.


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kraftiekortie
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06 Jun 2017, 1:59 pm

More people than you realize are "chasing two rabbits." They're usually chasing more than that, actually.

People tend to put up a veneer, a front.

If you sample the private lives of at least some of these "charismatic" people, you'll find things like charged-off credit cards, broken romances, bankruptcy, unacknowledged alcoholism, etc.

You're not doing too bad. You're holding down a job, and have your own apartment with a terrace.



RetroGamer87
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06 Jun 2017, 2:35 pm

I wonder if I'll have any of those things next year.


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BTDT
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06 Jun 2017, 2:49 pm

An Aspie can be charismatic if he learns to say really useful things.

1. He learns to be quiet when his thoughts are off topic.
2. He speaks up when he has something important to say about something he knows a lot about.
3. He edits his thoughts into something the average person can understand.
4. He learns to stay quiet when what he wants to say is too radical for the average person to accept.



BTDT
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07 Jun 2017, 9:01 am

You can learn to be knowledgeable in topics that are of interest to the average person.
Around here, people are interested in growing flowering shrubs like roses and hydrangea. Not so much about bug eating plants. For many of this, this can be tedious and not very exciting, like exercising. Or studying all the subjects at school to get good grades. Only you can decide whether the benefits are worth the effort.



WitlessWit
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09 Jun 2017, 5:21 pm

Cocaine.



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10 Jun 2017, 5:42 pm

I also have found that to be the double standard with myself (Aspie) vs. NT's.

If I'm even slightly loud, I get told I'm being obnoxious and to quiet down (even by friends).

If an NT is loud, they will be simply ignored by others around them, and even seen as funny by their friends.

... It seems that every socially undesirable behaviour is given leeway for NT's to be seen as 'cool and hip' but the same behaviour is seen as 'retarded / autistic' when it comes from Aspies.


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