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blacklashes
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10 Dec 2013, 11:39 am

I just don't get it, I don't understand why I shouldn't feel bad when I'm insulted, even if the people doing it say they are joking. I dislike immensely the taking the piss culture. It baffles me completely. Why be nasty to somebody like it's fun? Why do some people get enjoyment out of this? Why is this thinly veiled bullying so acceptable?
Sorry about all of the questions. I am attempting to reintegrate myself socially and failing miserably because of s**t like this.
Is it me being a miso, or them?

I get the same feeling with as*holes that assume things without actually thinking or finding out anything. You try to help them along and its no good, they made their mind up already with their ass-umptions and try to project whatever their pathetic little halfbrain can conclude onto you.

I'm sick of it. Sick of showing people respect that I never get, sick of always being polite even when faced with rudeness and bullying. I really need social interaction, trying to seek out people with similar interests and encountering mainly dickheads because I'm a magnet for them.
Why on earth are nt's or people generally so vile? Would unleashing the beast be a better way to deal with this?



BirdInFlight
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10 Dec 2013, 12:50 pm

You're not alone -- I've never liked that type of "humour" among "friends" either. I don't get how a lot of people seem to enjoy insult-humor among each other.

I don't like it and don't enjoy being the butt of jokes. A friend will insist it's done with affection but I've never been able to tune into that type of "affection."


.



Troy_Guther
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10 Dec 2013, 12:58 pm

It is important to understand that your relationship with a person has considerable influence on what it means when someone says certain things to you. For example, I live at college with 3 roommates, and we engage in quite a bit of good , friendly ribbing. We can acknowledge each others flaws and tease each other about them because we like each other in spite of those flaws. When we tease each other like this, it's not really a criticism of them as a person, but a recognition of what makes us who we are. Light, mutual harassment is often the sign of a good friendship; You can make negative remarks about one another without either party taking offense. This kind of behavior is a sign that someone feels comfortable around you; this behavior is highly inappropriate with strangers, so it likely means they don't consider you a stranger.

I realize this kind of dynamic can be confusing for some, especially for an aspie. I know I had a lot of difficulty with it when I was younger; I always thought people were just being cruel to me. But I worked hard to learn how to play the game, and my relationships are much better for it. All I can suggest is that you find someone you can practice with, so you can get used to doing it. And remember, politeness is (usually) for strangers.



blacklashes
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10 Dec 2013, 1:23 pm

Thank you BirdInFlight and Troy for your helpful and thought provoking responses.
I understand what you are saying Troy but this is happening as soon as I meet people.
It is very confusing and I feel like a twat because I don't know how I should respond, I don't want to be rude and attack back, I have done this in the past and it never ends well. It's also not in my character to be a bully or nasty to people. I will try what you suggested as what I have been doing is obviously not working. Thank you again.



Troy_Guther
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10 Dec 2013, 1:36 pm

Unfortunately, tone of voice is of paramount importance in this kind of interaction. And most aspies are severely disadvantaged at this; not only in reading the tone of others, but regulating our own tone in an appropriate way. I've been fortunate to have a ton of practice throughout my life; my dad has always been a big joker, so I got to learn early and often.

However, so long as you view that behavior as nasty and bullying, you will never be able to do it. You will need to come to view and understand it for what it is: A way for people to grow closer and acknowledge each others flaws without purposefully offending them. But being able to do this takes a ton of practice, and it may not be worth it for you to even try. That's for you to figure out.



skcuf
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10 Dec 2013, 3:11 pm

It's all about how comfortable you are with a person, as well as their upbringing. I have a friend that the introductions are very crude. Eg. "What's up fa***t. Suck any good dicks lately?" Or comments such as, "What did you say? I couldn't understand you with that cock in your mouth?" OR "Sorry, I couldnt hear you with your mom's tits covering my ears."

It's playful banter and leads to some quite funny conversations. This talk goes especially well with video games and alcohol :). If you're close with someone who is like this you realize that they're not insulting you. If you're not that close then you may get hurt.



thewhitrbbit
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10 Dec 2013, 4:43 pm

It's tough at first, but it is often a sign of acceptance from people.



KingofKaboom
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10 Dec 2013, 8:02 pm

I consider my position in the situation. Am I really upset or is it just offensive but easily ignored? I also consider whom is saying it. If I'm truly offended or bothered and would like them to stop I say "Please don't do that again" they sometimes say "I was just joking man c'mon" and my response is "I know, I just prefer if you didn't do that" they feel awkward and sometimes embarrassed and I just keep going on like nothing happened. This way they don't get angry or hold anything against me I'm polite and I say what I need to say then move on.


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blacklashes
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11 Dec 2013, 7:28 am

Thank you everybody for your responses.
I still find this a bit confusing, I am a chronic over thinker though, that is actually part of the problem, I realise that now. :D .

Skcuf, That makes perfect sense to me now.
Thwhitrbbit, I hope so :)
KingofKaboom, Thanks, your comment is very helpful.

Cheers for helping me with this, It means a lot to me. Hopefully with all of your advice I'll do a bit better socially.



hurtloam
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11 Dec 2013, 7:36 am

skcuf wrote:
It's all about how comfortable you are with a person, as well as their upbringing. I have a friend that the introductions are very crude. Eg. "What's up fa***t. Suck any good dicks lately?" Or comments such as, "What did you say? I couldn't understand you with that cock in your mouth?" OR "Sorry, I couldnt hear you with your mom's tits covering my ears."


I wouldn't want to be around a person like that. That's just disgusting and crude.

There is no excuse for being rude. If the op doesn't want to be around rude people then she doesn't need to be. If people say things like that to me I give them a death stare and they just know that I don't find it acceptable. Strangely in my office I didn't even say anything about not swearing. I just swear so infrequently that they figured I wouldn't like it if they did it. It's not the same thing, but if I think I have a bit of an air about me that others find intimidating which isn't good either. Balance is good. Know your own mind, but be friendly too.



Last edited by hurtloam on 11 Dec 2013, 7:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

OlivG
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11 Dec 2013, 7:38 am

Troy_Guther wrote:
Unfortunately, tone of voice is of paramount importance in this kind of interaction. And most aspies are severely disadvantaged at this; not only in reading the tone of others, but regulating our own tone in an appropriate way.


If one finds this too hard, they could always attempt to find likeminded people and just filter out everyone else. It may be easier if you start online (namely here). Having only a few close others will limit your (potentially useful) connections but being mostly asocial anyway I still prefer it to putting on an act that I might never learn properly.



BirdInFlight
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17 Dec 2013, 12:49 pm

I think part of my own problem with this directly stems from my very bad relationship with my sister. She did this to me but trust me, it was not because of affection, or being comfortable with me or liking me. I have a sister story that ought to be made into a movie -- or probably already was... It wasn't just the usual sibling squabbles -- she seriously hated me.

She did many things to hurt me, and said hurtful things, and it wasn't just my spectrum difficulties making me take it the wrong way; the whole family realized we had big problems. She was sarcastic, sly, told me things that would give me nightmares (and which I completely believed were true even though they were total crap made up by someone who only wanted to scare a child).

When our parents died she cut all ties with me and we are now completely estranged from one another. I once tried to call her at Christmas and she hung up the phone. My therapist -- who went over my history with my sister and was trying to help me heal from it -- tried to help to realize that this is not the kind of person I need in my life anyway. I agree.

But I've never been able to hear someone "josh around" with me and NOT take it the way is used to be intended by my sister. She used this brand of humor for deliberate hurt, and now I still can't hear it as anything else but that intention. Even after years of therapy.

Therefore, nobody can say I haven't tried to get over it. But I don't like it for deep seated reasons explained above, and I don't believe I ever can, as I'm advanced in years now and it's obviously become part of who I am. They say your parents mess you up (or not) but actually I think my sister did more to make me a screwed up human being than anything my parents did or didn't do. My parents, by the way, never used sarcastic humor and were kind and earnest people. They failed me in not addressing the sister issue, though.

But because of my own case of not liking this way of people talking to me, I have to say, if a person REALLY cannot understand or like it, or likely never will, as in my own case, let them find people who don't do it -- because there ARE people who don't.

.



thewhitrbbit
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17 Dec 2013, 2:16 pm

It is. :)

It's hard for aspies because an aspie often has trouble picking up on when someone is joking and when someone is serious. Some people are even harder because they are very good straight face jokers.

I look at a couple things

1.) What they are saying? Are they saying something mean, or something silly?

2.) My relationship with the person? Is this the first time this person ever spoke to me, or do I know him/her>

3.) Tone of voice. This on is the hardest.



Redstar2613
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19 Dec 2013, 9:09 am

I don't really get it either. In grade 8 I had one friend. I'd witness other males being rough with each other, even hitting each other in a friendly way. So I tried doing the same thing to fit in... and I lost that only friend. It wasn't really hard or in a sensitive area but apparently it was a dick move. I've tried the same thing once before (years later, I was no longer in School) with the group of friends I have now, a bunch of guys were.. I dont know how to put it other than being rough, so I tried joining in and again, didn't do it right... apparently. I didnt lose any friends or anything but I still had no real idea on how this worked.. and I still don't, so I just avoid physically mucking around with anyone.

It wasn't until grade 9 that I began to understand that people, especially guys, with put each other down... in a friendly way o.O
I've gotten used to it but I still don't really see the point.
However, a bit of trash talk during a video game is one thing that I understand because it's competitive and "f**k you" or "ohh you as*hole" is acceptable during games and no one ever has a problem with it, even me. That could be because I've played games my entire life and/or because when I'm playing against friends, they are both my competition and my friends, so friendly competition arises, which tends to involve trash talk. That's a time when "insulting" friends makes sense to me, that's the only time when I know I wont be hurt by what anyone says.
Come to think of it, it could have started off for people by saying stuff when they're kids, like "damn you for beating me in that race" and when they're older it becomes "f**k you, as*hole!" and other more creative things when you're in the moment.
So when it comes to gaming, I personally understand that behavior, as long as it's not taken too far in a very unfriendly way, like it often is online. That goes beyond stupid.

But in other situations, I have gotten used to it and I'll speak like that too but only if I know the other person would speak like that to me, otherwise I absolutely don't because it's not really who I am but it does help me fit in better some times. Or at least feel like I do.
I don't always know when the right time is, though.
Plus even when I know they are just joking, sometimes it can still hurt. But apparently that doesn't matter... because if they're joking, you apparently have no right to be upset and they make a big deal out of you supposedly making a big deal, even though they are the ones who made you upset, they turn it around and make you look like the bad guy and everyone accepts it. They seem to truly believe that the person doing the offending should not be stopped but the one getting offended needs to just stop reacting to it. Which is f*****g stupid! One person is getting their kicks out of upsetting another person, so the one getting upset needs to magically stop getting upset? f*****g stupid.

All I can really suggest you do is listen to the sort of things other people say, as well as how, when and who they say it too. After a while you should be able to join in and you'll be more accepted. This may take some practice, so don't worry too much if it doesn't work out straight away.

I hope this made sense. I've never talked about this in such detail before and since it's a concept I don't have full understanding of anyway, I'm not sure if I'm really getting across what I want to say, or at least doing it in the right way.