Are the key to good friendships low expectations?

Post Reply New Topic

Friendships can be frustrating I agree, but luckily I have two very close friends. One is also an aspie, one is not. I do find that sometimes friendships are one-sided or manipulative or something, but because I can recognize that, I avoid those friendships. The only expectations I have when meeting someone is that they will treat me with respect. The rest are hopes. I hope we will have something in common. I hope we will have a nice conversation. I hope we will get to know each other and become friends.

Yes. You shouldn't really expect anything from people. They're going to act how they're likely to act, which depends on what kind of person they are.

If you spend your life trying to change people to fit your expectations, you're going to be pretty disappointed. It's best to not waste your energy doing that, and accept reality for what it is.

Now, don't get me wrong, having expectations is different from having deal breakers. You shouldn't put up with friends who are cruel to you or mistreat you. You also shouldn't accept having friends who don't respect your boundaries.

I don't think the key to friendships is having low expectations, I think the key is to have expectations that are reasonable and be flexible with them.

For instance, this is what I expect from people who want to be my friends:

1.Talk to each other at least once a week
2.Don't put me down.
3.If either one of us tries to contact the other one, answer at least 1-3 days after if you didn't answer right away or ASAP after 3 days(and give a decent explanation instead of "I'm busy" or "I have a lot to do." Etc. At least give me something I can work with. If not at least give me some idea when we CAN talk again.)
4.Work out our problems in a civil and mature manner(e.g. not raising your voice really loud, ignoring the other person, making assumptions and accusations about me or other of my friends and then run off without hearing my or their side of the story.)
5.Speak like you have manners.(e.g. not cussing a lot, saying rude things, interrupting people, etc.)
6.At least take a little interest in my life.

And I work around those depending on the person.

Having low expectations can give people the idea that you don't trust them, can make people take advantage of you, and give people the impression that you have no boundaries and just go based off their own(which might not work for you.)

Some unreasonable ones:
1.Expecting to only reply to someone when YOU want to.
2.Expecting people to "accept you for who you are" but expecting others to change.
3.Expecting someone to be on demand at whatever time you choose.
4.Thinking that only your feelings are valid and expect to be able to tell someone how they feel or should feel.
5.Expecting to talk about yourself and never have to ask the other person about their life.
6.Expecting to talk to someone everyday because other people have lives too.

Those are my thoughts on the subject.

“Many people are not so good with the respect-thing, they prefer to talk about themselves if they can. I often thought it was because they didn´t know better, but I actually think it´s because they simply love to hear their own voice.

It sounds lovely that you do have people that respect you and everyone deserve that.
I also avoid those friendships I recognize being one sided, the hard part is to discover people that talk too much and seem to be disrespectful, but are just nervous, anxious and unsure about themselves?” (Reply to my reply) Thanks.

I find people are usually respectful, in terms of manners and etiquette especially now im in my 30’s. However I do agree I’ve met More than my fair share of narcissists who love to talk about themselves. Generally, its a fact that people love to talk about themselves. As an aspie, I am constantly working on my social skills. Not only do I ask questions to get to know people, but I am genuinely interested in their respnses, because I try to only ask questions I really want to know. Usually this does not go beyond smalltalk, something which is very hard for me as an aspie. It becomes off-putting when the person only answers your questions and does not ask you any in return. Ive literally asked people questions back to back and when I stopped: total silence. They showed no interest in me. If they dont, then I do not attempt to get to know them any better. Also, my aspie tendency would normally be to explain this to the person, to make them realize how they are coming across. But as someone else said on this topic, you cant change people and you are unwise to try. My friends and I have give and take conversations. We are both interested in and respond to what the other has to say. I like them because I can say what Im thinking and not have to worry about making a social mistake or being misinterpreted. Friends like this are a Godsend, even though I only have two. I dont need a ton. Dont give up on finding friends who understand you and like you. You are more likely to find them if you dont waste your time on narcissists or bullies or manipulators or whatever, once you have figured that out. I think sometimes some aspies keep at it with people like that because they may not feel they have any other options besides giving up and being alone. Dont give up. If you feel like giving up, PM me and I would be happy to chat.

I think the key to good relationships with other people is not low expectations, but to have NO expectations at all.

It’s for both sides of the relationship. Having expectations of each other places unnecessary stress on each other.

If a genuinely good friendship results, then that’s truly great. Congratulations.

But if nothing results, that’s good too. You will get more time to meet new others.

There are always so many people to meet, yet not enough time to meet all of them.

Remember.. Keep on meeting, not be hung up on the fleeting.