Strangeness, wanting friends but not wanting friends?

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I'm in this strange in between place of wanting friends then not wanting to put the effort into it. whenever I do make a potential friend I just don't want to be bothered. I don't mind texting or whatever but I don't want to go out anywhere, I don't want to have to smell their scent or look at them. When I text I can relax, I don't have to pretend to be chipper or normal. I don't think anyone is really 100% themselves when they're around company. Maybe I'm wrong I don't know.

In the past "friends" I've gone out with gotten upset with me for lack of eye contact. Not mean but they ask me to look at them during conversations and to "loosen up" Ha, people have been telling me to "loosen up" since I was a kid.

I'm so anxious the entire time I'm out, thinking about my posture, making sure I'm making eye contact, faking a smile. I've practiced smiling so I can fake a smile now after a few years of practice.

I just get no enjoyment being around others. I'm starting to think of cutting off everything (one person at this point everyone else has given up) It's not like this person really cares, they barely reply to my text.)


I don't know, maybe some of us are meant to be around others and people like me are meant to be hermits until are final days.

I get a lot of my pop culture references from Imgur and a lot of the most viral posts or whatever are about making plans with people and trying to find an excuse to cancel last minute. I think the general consensus is that it's better to go through with it, though.

EDIT: I think who we are with company is as much ourselves as when we're alone. The act we put on is an integral part of us.

I also think my autistic traits (not making eye contact, etc.) make me "kind of a character." Some people accused me of being "a meth head" once because I bite my lip. It's taken a lot to wrap my head around the idea that they weren't telling me they hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I think it's kind of a game sometimes. The idea that someone might have a problem with my stimming is kind of a cliche and I can develop a range of responses, some of them based on behaviors of theirs that bother other people, but in a joking way so people know I'm not actually mad. Etc.