Anyone else got this treatment at school?

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When I was aged about 12-14, I had girls who rejected me as a friend, but isolated me from having other friends.

When I was 12 there was a girl (let's say girl A) who genuinely wanted to be my friend, and she wrote her mobile phone number down in the back of one of my exercise books. But then another girl (who had been in my class since we were 5, let's call her girl B), didn't seem to want me to be friends with girl A, and she tried to convince me that girl A was being mean and so she wrote a message next to girl A's number saying "leave Joe90 alone, girl A!" Then when girl A saw the message, she looked hurt and asked who wrote it. I didn't want them both to get into an argument, so I just fibbed that it was a younger cousin of mine who wrote it. But girl A still seemed hurt and I think she felt that I didn't want to be her friend, so she sort of distanced herself from me after that. I felt too awkward to phone her number.

But the strange thing about this was that girl B wasn't exactly best friends with me - in fact she was often rude to me and made me feel worthless and excluded, and she didn't hang around with girl A either. So I didn't see what difference it would make to her if I was friends with girl A or not, being so she had other friends (who excluded me too). The only answer I could come up with was that girl B just wanted me to be friendless, so she chased off anyone who wanted to be my friend, and because I didn't want to be caught in the middle of a conflict, I just let her destroy my chances of having friends. Then I carried on being lonely and miserable.

Did anyone else have kids playing mind games with you when you were younger?

In a way, yes, but for another reason. To stop me dating a girl as the other person fancied her.

Yes adults do it too

I'm really sorry you had to go through this Joe90

Yes, this happens more often at school but it also happens in the workplace with grown adults doing the same thing.

For example I replaced a staff member in a job which she did not get on with the boss. The staff member who was transferred made it her goal to paint me as an opportunist to my co-workers who then wouldn't talk to me (as if I was responsible for her leaving - which I wasn't). When other people avoided me (I was a pariah) the same girl was (confusingly) really helpful to me though and I thought it was really strange why she would be so helpful? it then became apparent that she wanted to show her ex-boss and other staff what a great worker she is making such an effort (she loves getting accolades and compliments) to helping in her old job.

This type of behavior is called "termiting" where the person acts like a termite backbiting and undermining you behind your back but then pretending like she's your friend and helping you in front of others.

There was a girl at school who was extremely jealous of me, and made it her plan to make everybody dislike me, and it worked for a couple of years until this popular boy fell out with her. Then those people sided with me, or at least would have done if I hadn't kept walking away from them, or past them when they said my name. I was told I appeared a snob because I didn't acknowledge people, but I actually didn't notice they were talking to me and wanted to be friends with me.

There was a girl at another school previously who made an effort to make her friends dislike me, because I was too shy to talk to them and walked away, and she thought I had rejected her. She wasn't nice to her friends either though and tried to trip one of them up so she wouldn't win in this running competition.

Oh, the drama yes, but not like that, rather my "Friends" did other things that were immature and petty. For me, I had made friends with two people at the same time at age 13-17. I met all three of them between 6th and 8th grade. We got along one-on-one. We even had some things in common That said, these three met up and became friends in which a clique was formed. When they were together, that was another story.

1. The Queen Bee hooked up with one of them and both of them started acting like they were above me and began talking down to me. "Hey, that's not appropriate."
2. They all lived close to each other, and their parents became good friends while my parents were also shut out
3. They got to together all the time while I was left out. Afterward, the Queen Bee's boyfriend, who was my "Friend" would boast about everything they did as a group without me.
4. They pulled some nasty stunts on me during prom which hurt really bad
5. The Queen Bee and her boyfriend eventually turned on both the other member of their clique and I started lying about us to other people

As hurt as I was by them, I didn't have anything in common with any of them really, we were just together in class. My best friend turned out to be a bus driver who drove me in 11th grade. We are still friends to this day.

I am so sorry its been done to you.

By the way, you mentioned how girl A didn't actually tell you she doesn't want to talk to you but, instead, she just "soft of distanced away" and you felt "too awkward to call her yourself". Well, THATS PRECISELY WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. So why the f**k are people denying it and telling me "why don't you talk to people yourself"? Well for the exact reason you didn't!! ! Just to prevent any misreading, I am not denying that you were shunned; quite the opposite, I am making a point that we were BOTH shunned and I don't get why are people denying ME being shunned by telling me I should talk to people first.

By the way, if I were in your situation, I would have done one or more of the following. No, not all of them, just *one or more* of them. Which one(s)? Depends on my hormones at the time.

a) I would ask girl B why she wrote it, and start an argument. If girl B says "well I thought you wanted to be left alone" I would say "why the f**k do you think I enjoy being completely friendless; you thought I wanted to be left alone because I keep to myself? Well, maybe the reason I keep to myself is that I don't know how to make firends and am miserable about it, but now comes someone like you who actually perpetuates my misery". If, instead, girl B says "I don't think you can make a good friend" I would say "well maybe its because nobody gave me a chance".

b) If I actually carry out part a, then I would most definitely tell girl A it was girl B. If I was too shy to do part a, then whether I tell girl A it was girl B or not really depends on my courage, it could go either way.

c) I might do just like what you have done: avoid confronting girl B and lie to girl A it was my cousin. HOWEVER, when girl A would distance away I would confront her as to whether or not she didn't believe me it was my cousin, and if she says she believed me I would ask her why the f**k she is more distant then? If she says she is busy I would ask why the f**k did she become so busy from the exact time that my "cousin" wrote that stupid note?

d) I might be too awkward to do ANY of the above. In this case, I would cuss off girl A. No it wasn't a typo. I actually meant girl A as someone I would cuss off. Why? Because its unfair that girl B isolated me from her, so why not do something that would deserve that isolation to make it fair and square. By the way, if I did try the previous items, unsuccessfully, I might cuss her out as well, for the same exact reason.

When I was being excluded by my "Friends" at school, I was always accused of not "Reaching out more" as well because I was afraid they would say, "No." When I did reach out and try to invite them, they never returned my calls. I also left them many messages but no answer. When I get did them, it was "Can I call you back? I'm busy right now," and no follow-through.

When it came to the parents, my autism specialist and case manager blamed me mom as well when they pulled the nasty stunts during prom. It was, "I told your mom to call those mothers."

I don't actually blame girl A for distancing herself from me. She recognised the writing and said, "it looks a bit like girl B's writing". She might have seen through my lie about my cousin writing the note, and thought I was backing girl B up. So girl A might have felt hurt. I could kick myself though, because I wish I had said that girl B did write that, as girl A would have been a better friend to have than girl B. But I wasn't sure how to handle emotional fights among teenage girls, as teenage girls are very socially hard work (in a different way to spectrumers of course).
If this happened to me as an adult though, I think I would handle it more wisely. I would go with the nicer girl and ditch the girl causing the trouble. But back then I was a kid and wasn't sure how to respond to mind games.

I got many types of "treatment" at school. Bullying, being mocked, ignored, getting my butt kicked, etc.

I prefer to just not allow that crap that happened years ago to affect my mood at present.

What happened to me in parts of middle and high school with this clique made me sad and angry for a few years. Then I moved on with my life and it doesn't bother me anymore.

Quitting school altogether, homeschooled or go to a new school and hope for a better outcome.
Never put up with abuse, you have options.

Can you findd girl A in facebook or something and tell her that now? I know its been several years after you graduated, but better late then never.



"Not being sure how to handle fights" means "being afraid of making a mistake during such fight". But doing what you just did to avoid the fight was already a mistake, so how was it any worse? Its like purposely losing a game, so that you can strike out and not face the fear of losing tomorrow. But hello, you would then lose today, how is losing+striking out today any better than losing+striking out tomorrow? At least if its tomorrow you could say you tried.

By the way, after facing ostracism for several years, I can tell you that when people "politely withdraw" it is BY FAR more hurtful and frustrating than if people fight over it. At least if they fight I can defend myself or even if I can't, at least I don't have to do all those guesswork as to why they are so "busy". That, plus also with polite avoidance I feel "unimportant" that I am not even worth a spare few minutes to talk about -- which is clearly not the case when it comes to a fight. I think you should have fought!! !

But like I said, better late than never. Maybe you should try to find girl A in facebook and try to reconcile with her.

I wouldn't be surprised if Girl A forgot the whole thing. This occurred about 15 years ago. I would say the most likely response that comes out of her when recalling the incident is "bemusement." People 29 years of age tend to look back on what they did as 14-year-olds, and laugh nostalgically.

But why not try to get back in contact with her? Just try to "friend" her on Facebook. Don't do anything else.

I can totally relate to that too. I do most of my reaching out throw facebook and everyone ignores me over facebook. But I guess I never rebuff them by mentioning facebook since I am too ashamed of using it. So I guess "if" I were to mention facebook, they "would" probably answer something like "well, the part you are complaining about is face to face, and you haven't tried talking to people face to face, have you". But my response to that would be "well, since I get ingored on facebook maybe I would get an equivalent to that IF I were to try face to face -- except that face to face would hurt a lot more which is precisely why I wouldn't do it".

I guess the other thing they could say is that the "friends" on facebook that ignore me aren't actual friends, they are more like friends-of-friends whom I don't even know. When I message people whom I do know, they often do answer (well, not 100%, more like 50% or even 30% but hey its better than nothing) But still, their answer is rather brief and they won't try to continue the conversation beyond answering me. I am sure I could get that same kind of answer face to face too, but so what? It won't be a true friendship would it.

Well, I reconnected with someone I used to have at the Bible study group around 13 years ago. No, I didn't look her up through facebook. What happened instead was that I ran into her at church. She felt totally excited since 15 years ago we were both in Michigan and now we are both in New Mexico so it was a huge luck. I admit though: when I reconnect with people through facebook they are not nearly as excited, since in this case it no longer feels like pure luck or fate the way it felt at church. But even in her case, few weeks after her initial excitement it kinda wore off -- maybe its my fault I didn't reciprocate it: yes I felt inside nearly exact things she was feeling (I am really nostalgic about Michigan!! !) but maybe I didn't express it on the outside.

But anyway, as far as Joe90 and girl A, she should totally reconnect with her -- but for a different reason -- she needs to reconcile what happened. The idea that "well girl A probably forgotten it" is just a speculation: maybe she forgot it, maybe she didn't. So why not bring it up to find out? In the best case scenario, girl A might forgive her for her mistake or even apologize for distancing away. In the worst case scenario, at least Joe90 would get a closure.

Last edited by QFT on 07 Aug 2019, 8:47 am, edited 1 time in total.