Never Invited, Rarely Included

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I can count on my hands the number of times I've been invited or "willingly" included in social groups, activities, gatherings and events. I don't know why. Doesn't matter how much or how hard I try to network and make friends. Does anyone else go through this? Or has anyone else figured out how to beat this?

How have you been going about trying to make friends?

Do you have any unusual hobbies/interests? If so, have you sought out people with whom you have hobbies/interests in common -- the more unusual, the better? Every friendship I've ever made has been built that way.

Yeah, and I have friends now but I have learned how to appreciate being alone at certain times and places in my life. I have friends in my life now but I still struggle to connect with others. So, what I am working on while I am alone is to be my own friend and I use reflective therapy.

Yet, there are two psychologists who do talk about loneliness, connecting, and making friends. One of them happens to be on the spectrum goes by Dr. Daniel Wendler and then his business partner and friend is Dr. Kyler Shumway. Dr. Kyler, who is not on the spectrum, and is an NT, struggled for years to make friends. Dr. Wendler also struggled too. They have several books out about loneliness, social skills, and making friends. You may want to check them out

Here is Daniel Wendler: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeMW2Asu8vg

https://kylershumway.com/about-me/

Improveyoursocialskills.com

I am quite lonely and have the social skills of a brick.

It’s easy* - just learn skills and talents that other people find interesting. Musical instruments are always a good choice. Baking and other culinary talents are also popular activities.

*Cue the yeah-buts and the what-ifs...

Meetup

Look, I've improved my social skills over the years and have good friends now. But if you have an uncanny valley kind of personality, you could be truly gifted at playing the guitar and people can love your music, but your personality will still push people away. I know someone good at baking, but she's still very irritating and opinionated and harsh in her tone. People tolerate her, but they aren't really her friends. You can bribe people to tolerate you, but not to like you.

It's not easy.

I've found that being the person to organise things has helped me get to know people. Being open about myself, but not a moany face makes people see you as a real person. Politeness has worked for me and having a good sense of humour.

Not shouting people down or always having to be right has worked wonders for me. I am very matter-of-fact and I am very clever and I can analyse things where others just take stupid things as fact. I've learned not to argue. There's no point.

I've made an effort to meet lots of different people. I haven't tried plugging away at the same group of people I grew up with. I've gone out and met new people. So yeah, a hobby can help with that. I have sought jobs in towns I can commute to and them moved to the town and done it again and again which helped me move across country and to the city where there are more open minded people like me that I can easily be friends with rather than trying to conform to the small town narrow-minded types who can't deal with someone who isn't a cardboard cut out of themselves.

Don't keep on at folks who are not interested. Meet new people who are worth your time and energy.

The most irritating people I know talk at others. They monologue and have no interest in what other people have to say. They don't ask questions. That's a real turn off. Don't do that. You can't really bond with people that way.

Hurtloam brings up a good point about being around people who tolerate you which are the ones you really want to stay away from. Those kinds of people are only interested in themselves anyway. They also tend to be rather superficial in which everyone else needs to live up to their standards.

As for me talking at people, maybe that is some I should look at and see if it is turning others off.

Why assume that you're not one of those people, or at least, that you're not perceived as one of those people?

(not you personally Summer, all of us)

Further, people will seem more like that if there's nothing to form a connection over. Many acquaintances will seem like that, but yet they'll all have genuine friends too. Why? Because the fact that a person can form a connection and attachment to one person doesn't mean they'll be able to do it with another. Let's face it, one person might be far more interesting to another person than some other person. But that some other person might form better connections with yet another person that the first two don't.

Being left out can be very hurtful. I've been left out before and it caused me to spiral into depression and self-loathing.

I have a relative who may be on the spectrum (undiagnosed), and she's been excluded twice in two months from social gatherings arranged by her female work colleagues that are around her age. The first time was the work's Christmas party, when all the women arranged to go out for a meal but they all kept it a secret from my relative, and she found out on Facebook afterwards. Then it happened again last month; they'd arranged another get-together, just a few drinks locally, and they again didn't include my relative. I feel so hurt for her, as she is a sociable person and likes people.

I've had similar. There are 5 other people at work who I get on well with and are all around my age, but they had got tickets to this Halloween event that really sounded like my type of thing and I would have loved to have gone to that. They needed a sixth person, as it was easier to go in an even number, and their partners didn't want to go, and after wondering who they can ask, they finally asked a girl (who I knew way before they did and doesn't work with us). I hinted that I'd like to go but they ignored me, and I didn't like to ask outright. It hurt me because I've never been invited out like that by colleagues and I would have been thrilled to go, being so I was their age and I got on with them. It would have given me the chance to get to know them better outside of work and feel included in a little group to call my friends. I guess I'm not good enough.

It's not "easy". If it was, there wouldn't be any need for Wrong Planet.

That has happened to me so many times in several occasions

1. I worked for a small business company with supported employment where the owner had an autistic son who's disabilities were much more severe. The owner would get together every other woman but me. She would go out to lunch with them, go shopping with them while I was left out. When I confronted her, she made excuses that I was always left at a certain time and that's why I was never invited. She also treated just about everyone else at that company much better than I was treated. Say, if someone got a new house, or had a baby, she got then gifts and other things. While she and the entire company snubbed me. I was very hurt but she didn't care.

2. Where I work now, things are better but I still get shut out of the little cliques. They go to each other's offices but they never come to mine


Then there was a synagogue where I attended for a while where I was not treated very well. They were so rude to me because they would invite me to join them for lunch and other wine socials at the congregation. All the while, they always talked about their plans right in front of me. Yet, I was never invited and it hurt. I would also get along with someone and then I would hear about them getting together with another person to do such and such. I would talk to the rabbi and the elders and it was "You need to work on your social skills and fit our mold."

That still makes me cry in what they did


However Joe90, one other thing to keep in mind is that people who leave us out and always stick together are a clique and people like that don't always realize that they hurt someone else's feelings because they are so wrapped up in their own world. As for your cousin's colleagues, they sound like they just don't understand her and that's why they left her out and they didn't tell her because they didn't want to "Hurt her feelings."

When I played in a hockey group, at the end of the year I found out they all went out for a big food and drink fest at the end of every season and I was the only one out of 20 that wasn't invited. I only found out in the 3rd year when someone "accidentally" mentioned it to me and I showed up. I had a great time, we had lots of laughs and I cannot figure out to this day why I wasn't invited. It could be worse though: that group would NEVER have let a woman join them, period!

This seems to be a common theme in my life and whenever I ask why, the usual response is "I didn't think you liked to drink/party/go out" to which I would point out that they could have just asked me rather than make assumptions. I will say on a more positive note that I didn't think my coworkers thought much of me until they threw a baby shower for me and provided VERY generous gifts. I hope they weren't offended by my lack of enthusiasm because I was drop dead tired with a 1 month old and like a zombie!

But you are very funny!