Loneliness is Killing Me

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Hello. This is the second topic I am posting on here. I feel like this is a good place to vent about my constant feelings of loneliness and depression. Loneliness has never really affected me until the later years of secondary school. It was around that time that I always felt singled out and I always felt like everyone hated me.

Nearly 5 years ago I had an online friend that I got along with very well (I'll call her E). I spoke to her often for nearly 2 years until I took a break from online stuff as I had some big exams at school to study for. When I spoke to E again after a few months I found that she had found a mentally unstable girlfriend (I'll call her Virus) who pleasured herself on guilt tripping other girls on the site and making them feel horrible about themselves. Though, I only found out about this after Virus did it to me. I was pretty much the only one to try and stand up to Virus's emotional blackmailing, but E kicked me from the friendship anyway after I tried telling her what Virus was up to. It's been nearly 3 years ago since that happened now.

This happened during secondary school (High School) and was also the main cause of the downward spiral of my mentality. E was the only person who cared about me at the time so you could imagine how horrible I felt. Anxiety and depression soon followed, and on some occasions I resorted to self-harm (no blood was shed, I only used keys and pencils to scratch my hands and wrists). It got to a point where I had to have a counsellor come and visit me at school every week. On top of that, people started being mean to me and mocking me towards the last year at secondary.

I was pretty happy when secondary school finally ended, but my scars remained with me through college and after that, have stuck with me since. I still have no friends and find it difficult to make any, and I believe my depression has let to me becoming fat.

As of now, I am still feeling depressed and anxious. I don't really know what I want for myself anymore. I still feel so scarred by everything that happened back then. I've tried seeing therapists but I still feel incredibly low. I've tried social groups but they're not working for me anymore. I can't help but feel empty and upset with myself. I've resorted to using a plush toy and pretend I can talk to it and be friends with it, which I know shouldn't be normal for someone approaching adulthood. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I experienced teasing and bullying from my peer group for 3 years. Those terms are very understated. The term teasing and bullying are terms developed to protect the abusers. They minimize the offense. A more accurate phrase is cruel and relentless torture. In adult society, the terms used are physical abuse, psychological abuse, and assault and they are criminal offenses.

The internal scars they leave behind will stick with you for the rest of your life. I am 71 years old, and the ghost of these events I can still feel.

Aspies [and High Functioning Autistics] experience significantly more bullying than the general population. It should almost be our middle name. For males this peaks during Junior High School. For females this peaks during High School. Then the level of bullying subsides substantially as the peer group grows into adulthood.

Stress is cumulative in nature. As stress levels increase they can turn into distress, such as depression, anxiety and self harm. The way to eliminate distress is to learn how vent stress. We tend to think of stress as emotion. But there is another school of thought. Stress is really physical in nature. It is the result of a cascade of hormones (chemicals) that flood the body when we experience threats. These chemicals are stored in our muscles and nervous system unless they are vented.

So I will recommend two books to read. Think of it a homework assignment. These are:
"In an Unspoken Voice" by Peter A. Levine
"The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process" by David Berceli