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Summer_Twilight
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21 Jul 2020, 6:45 pm

How common is it for autistics to become prey to "Friends" who turn out to be narcissistic people/abusers?



Mountain Goat
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21 Jul 2020, 6:47 pm

I do not know, but I believe my first ever girlfriend was along those lines.


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Summer_Twilight
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21 Jul 2020, 9:26 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
I do not know, but I believe my first ever girlfriend was along those lines.


The reason I ask is that I have wondered how many narcissists target people on the spectrum in getting them to believe they are their friends and then do all kinds of horrible things to them?



Aristophanes
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21 Jul 2020, 10:30 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
I do not know, but I believe my first ever girlfriend was along those lines.


The reason I ask is that I have wondered how many narcissists target people on the spectrum in getting them to believe they are their friends and then do all kinds of horrible things to them?

Narcissists don't target any single group they look for anyone that will increase their 'narcissistic supply' (attention and adulation). Many people on the spectrum are desperate for friendship and connection that they rarely receive compared to their NT peers, add in the general inability of the autistic to process the emotional cues of others and you've got a relationship ripe for long term abuse.



smudge
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22 Jul 2020, 4:59 am

I've never attracted any...I wouldn't put up with their crap.

Imagine me paired with a narcissistic abuser. :P



MrsPeel
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22 Jul 2020, 5:54 am

Good on you, Smudge.
Idiot me spent 20 years married to one before seeing the light and getting away.
I think some of us get drawn in by narcissists because of our need to feel loved and secure, and maybe from internalising the sense that we're always in the wrong, so that we don't realise when we're being gaslit.



Aristophanes
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22 Jul 2020, 6:12 am

MrsPeel wrote:
Good on you, Smudge.
Idiot me spent 20 years married to one before seeing the light and getting away.
I think some of us get drawn in by narcissists because of our need to feel loved and secure, and maybe from internalising the sense that we're always in the wrong, so that we don't realise when we're being gaslit.

My mother is a narcissist, I can empathize with you when it comes to the long term suffering at a narcissist’s hands. You can’t beat yourself up over staying with one for so long, rather rejoice that you’ve learned a good deal from that relationship and won’t want fall prey to them in the future. :wink:



Summer_Twilight
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22 Jul 2020, 7:50 am

smudge wrote:
I've never attracted any...I wouldn't put up with their crap.

Imagine me paired with a narcissistic abuser. :P


I love it.

@MrsPeel, that is exactly my situation. I often find myself as an outsider in a lot of circles and then I have met people who I seem to hit it off with which I had led me to cling to them. How do people on the spectrum learn to spot red flags?



Aristophanes
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22 Jul 2020, 8:09 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
smudge wrote:
I've never attracted any...I wouldn't put up with their crap.

Imagine me paired with a narcissistic abuser. :P


I love it.

@MrsPeel, that is exactly my situation. I often find myself as an outsider in a lot of circles and then I have met people who I seem to hit it off with which I had led me to cling to them. How do people on the spectrum learn to spot red flags?


In all honesty you can't just spot them out of a crowd, you'll have to have some interaction with them or watch them interact with other people to know. If the other person is only interested in what they want, and never compromises to your wants, move on. If they say one thing one day, and then 'forget' about what was said the next, move on because you're being gaslighted. Also don't completely invest in a person when you first meet them, you'll create fantasies about them that probably don't match the reality that we're all imperfect, and to keep that fantasy alive you'll ignore behaviors that ARE the red flags. That goes for romantic relationships as well as mere friendships. Always remember: you're just as valid of a person as anyone else, you deserve to be treated as such.



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22 Jul 2020, 8:17 am

My dad has tested positive for psychopath/narcissist behavior, he wasnt allowed to get his firearm certificate in the police because of it. Most of my life I was scared of him and his temper, he was always angry or annoyed when you didnt do things the way he does it, nothing you did ever seemed good enough. He spent the majority of my teenage years devalueing me because i wasnt one of the cool kids like he supposedly was (this was before i got my diagnosis for ASD) which caused a lot of confidence issues. He was also physically violent on occasion, burst my eardrum with an open hand slap when i was 14.

In my 20s he started making an obvious effort to try and develop some kind of relationship with me, and i bnought into it for a while, but his usual behaviors gradually resurfaced and i distanced myself from him again. We dont speak much now, just a polite "hello" or "alright?" when i see him. I always wonder what my life would have been like if my mum had left him at some point, she tried to in the mid 90s but he weaseled his way back in. Hes very controlling and i think hes hoodwinked her into thinking shes dependant on him to a large degree.

It sucks but hey ho.


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Summer_Twilight
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23 Jul 2020, 11:36 am

I was friends with a narcissist and his wife (who I now know is a flying monkey) for two-and-a-half years while I attended a house of worship that was not a suitable fit for me. It was when I would carpool with them I only noticed the red flags.

- I am an open book and I would tell them about things that bothered me, only to criticize me with "You have got to stop being so offended. You will lose all your friends when you do that. " Then they went off on a tangent about how they were hurt at another congregation and how this one book set them free and I needed to read it

- The narcissist would often tell his kids "I will spank you," right in front of me: That's when I wonder if there was abuse going on.

- The narcissist often had outbursts at his wife and stepdaughter in front of me when things didn't

I now know if I see red flags like that to cut things off and not associate with them.