No going-out-for-a-drink type friends. Am I missing out?

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chris1989
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03 May 2022, 12:00 pm

I seem to think I only go to these town festivals and things just for the atmosphere a bit like going to a theme park but not going on any of the big rides. I seem to keep regretting that I haven't got friends that are the going-out-for-a-drink type people and that by not having those people as though I'm missing out on what people our ages should be doing. It is as though if you don't do them you are treated as ''odd''. I remember going out once with my sister and her friend and a friend from school (who I was not great friends really) and went round some pubs and ended up just hanging around and talking for ages, I think I got bored after a while and was glad when we went home. I keep telling myself that I've done it and didn't really like it and struggle to acknowledge that I don't like it much unlike other people but I still get these feelings kicking in my head of ''missing out'' especially if I see other people having a more enjoyable time than the one I mentioned because it makes me think ''Why haven't I got friends like them to hang out with?''. I don't know whether the problem I've got is that forcing myself to do things I don't always like doing only because I see a lot of people doing it because it just seems to be a common social norm even though keep telling myself that by doing things I don't really like I will end up missing out on doing things I actually like to do.



Mona Pereth
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03 May 2022, 4:46 pm

chris1989 wrote:
I seem to think I only go to these town festivals and things just for the atmosphere a bit like going to a theme park but not going on any of the big rides. I seem to keep regretting that I haven't got friends that are the going-out-for-a-drink type people and that by not having those people as though I'm missing out on what people our ages should be doing. It is as though if you don't do them you are treated as ''odd''. I remember going out once with my sister and her friend and a friend from school (who I was not great friends really) and went round some pubs and ended up just hanging around and talking for ages, I think I got bored after a while and was glad when we went home. I keep telling myself that I've done it and didn't really like it and struggle to acknowledge that I don't like it much unlike other people but I still get these feelings kicking in my head of ''missing out'' especially if I see other people having a more enjoyable time than the one I mentioned because it makes me think ''Why haven't I got friends like them to hang out with?''. I don't know whether the problem I've got is that forcing myself to do things I don't always like doing only because I see a lot of people doing it because it just seems to be a common social norm even though keep telling myself that by doing things I don't really like I will end up missing out on doing things I actually like to do.

What are some things you actually like to do?

It seems to me that, in your spare time, you should be doing only (1) things that you like to do and/or (2) things that can advance your career.

Participating in a social activity just because it's "normal" and for no other reason is not a good way to find companionship and thus eventually make friends. You can find companionship -- shared enjoyment -- only by participating in shared activities that both you and the other people actually enjoy.

Don't worry if your preferred shared activities are seen as weird by outsiders. In fact, the weirder, the better. People with unusual hobbies are likely to appreciate each other more than people with more popular hobbies, simply because the latter are a dime a dozen.


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kraftiekortie
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03 May 2022, 5:25 pm

No....you are not missing out.

If you drink too much, you might get cirrhosis of the liver. One of my brothers-in-law passed away from cirrhosis of the liver when he was about 50 years old. He drank too much.



cyberdad
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03 May 2022, 6:19 pm

Depends if you enjoy loud social interaction in a pub/bar environment. The drinks are just a social lubricant. I find. however, that its difficult to have nuanced/one on one conversations in a bar. But many people manage.



ninjaman
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04 May 2022, 6:39 pm

Hello,
It sounds like you are not enjoying it. Or, the people you are with are not the right people for you?
I DO NOT like going to pubs!! !
I have had a few bad experiences. But I do get what you mean by doing "normal" things. I don't think you are missing much unless you are around people that you really bond with.
Best of luck with your situation. I think we all have one to some extent, knowing how to deal with it is our problem.



kraftiekortie
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10 May 2022, 7:24 am

I don't mind playing darts, or playing pool, or answering trivia questions in a bar.

But I don't like the other aspects of bars----like noise and being forced to talk to somebody amid the noise.

I don't get this "missing out" thing. Guys here talk about "missing out" on female companionship in their high school and college years-----like there's no companionship beyond their 20s. It's a myth that all is good during the college/university years for many people. It actually sucks for a lot of people. It gets better once you get out of college/university.



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10 May 2022, 8:14 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't get this "missing out" thing. Guys here talk about "missing out" on female companionship in their high school and college years-----like there's no companionship beyond their 20s. It's a myth that all is good during the college/university years for many people. It actually sucks for a lot of people. It gets better once you get out of college/university.

It's not really a myth. For many, time spent on America's large residential university campuses was the only time they were able to find sex partners relatively easily, and if they weren't locked into a long term relationship at the end of that period, things definitely got worse. In fact, I would say this is a well-known phenomenon. Thinking back on it, growing up in Brooklyn or Queens, at least in the 70s and 80s, was a good situation for gaining sexual experience, even for relatively average young people (I went to college with a lot of people from that background and I don't think any of them had any trouble "getting laid" in HS). But that's far from typical for the country as a whole.

BTW I doubt many people get cirrhosis who aren't actual alcoholics, but I don't for a second dispute that non-drinkers generally do better in the long run. The OP has a point though. You don't need to be a drinker to "go out drinking" and bars are not necessarily noisy.


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kraftiekortie
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10 May 2022, 8:52 am

I grew up in Queens. I had a girlfriend from the Bronx in high school. We got engaged, then broke it off.

I had a few sexual experiences hanging out in the Village in the late 70s-early 80s. They were okay----but they left me feeling empty. I felt like it was almost better to have stayed home and fantasized.

I had more satisfying relationships----both ephemeral and committed----in my later 20s in the later 80s, and in my 30s in the 90s.

I didn't go to college until 1997. By that time, I was married.

I learned that "quality is better than quantity."



MaxE
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10 May 2022, 9:10 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I grew up in Queens. I had a girlfriend from the Bronx in high school. We got engaged, then broke it off.

Did you go to Science or Stuyvesant? Not sure how else you would have met a girl from the Bronx at that age, but then kids in NYC had mobility that would be unthinkable elsewhere.

Ironically, so many those kids seemed desperate to leave NYC, they refused to be satisfied until they had successfully made the move to LA.


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kraftiekortie
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10 May 2022, 9:15 am

Nope. I went to Robert Louis Stevenson School, a school for "gifted underachievers." It was, basically, a school for troubled kids. There was a strong emphasis on academics----though you could smoke cigarettes in class. It had many "progressive" features until my last year, when it started getting stricter, though still mostly "progressive."



MaxE
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10 May 2022, 9:29 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Nope. I went to Robert Louis Stevenson School, a school for "gifted underachievers." It was, basically, a school for troubled kids. There was a strong emphasis on academics----though you could smoke cigarettes in class. It had many "progressive" features until my last year, when it started getting stricter, though still mostly "progressive."

So still basically a "magnet school" so my basic thesis was sound except for the specific school. The Harvey Milk school is another example. NYC has always had quite a few of these. A great benefit of growing up there


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kraftiekortie
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10 May 2022, 9:35 am

It was a school with a high tuition….but I got a full scholarship because my mother made very little income.

It wasn’t like Stuyvesant at all. Nor a “prep school” like Dalton. I was one of five in my graduating class. No prom, either.

It wasn’t a “status” school.