Page 2 of 3 [ 37 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

klanka
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Mar 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,474
Location: Cardiff, Wales

16 Jun 2022, 10:56 am

I might be the opposite, I think I stay fixated on one topic too much.



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,535
Location: England

17 Jun 2022, 9:10 am

klanka wrote:
I might be the opposite, I think I stay fixated on one topic too much.


At least people will know where they are with you though, that could be a good thing? :)


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


klanka
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Mar 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,474
Location: Cardiff, Wales

17 Jun 2022, 10:48 am

KitLily wrote:
klanka wrote:
I might be the opposite, I think I stay fixated on one topic too much.


At least people will know where they are with you though, that could be a good thing? :)

Don't have the social skills to figure it out :D .........................yet



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,535
Location: England

18 Jun 2022, 8:00 am

klanka wrote:
Don't have the social skills to figure it out :D .........................yet


I learned that when a person starts looking bored i.e. saying 'uh huh', looking away from me, looking out of the window etc. then it's time to change the topic. Usually to ask something about them. People love talking about themselves, so I read.

Also I learned to just briefly mention my problems and not go on and on about them.

This is probably why I like Twitter, there isn't enough room for me to ramble on too much :lol:


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 May 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,994

18 Jun 2022, 8:23 am

KitLily wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Human beings are very strange creatures.:lol:


They have had years of practice.


haha yes. Millions of years. I read that Neanderthals were completely mystified by Homo Sapiens because we were so complicated :lol:


Hahahahahahhaahahahaha!



NotHolyRomanOrAnEmpire
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 26 Jun 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 23

27 Jun 2022, 12:15 pm

I think people’s idea of what counts as ‘too much’ information is pretty arbitrary.



IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 53,257

27 Jun 2022, 1:17 pm

My autism makes me very details-oriented.
When I write or communicate information I give a lot of details, examples, and description.
I can't think in any other way.
If I leave out a detail, I feel like my story won't make sense for others.
It's easier to skip entire stories than to tell one with pieces missing.
You may notice I tell pretty much the same stories over and over again.
I certainly don't tell all of my stories, though.



HeroOfHyrule
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2020
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,228

28 Jun 2022, 12:04 am

I overexplain basically everything. I'm worried about being misunderstood or explaining something wrong, so I always try to give as much info as I can. People get pretty bored and annoyed at me doing that though.



QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

28 Jun 2022, 5:28 am

I give off too much information in the following ways:

1) I like to over-explain my thinking process

2) If I describe something that happened in the past I would give lots of details

3) I mention things that put me in a negative light and should have been skipped

As far as 1 and 2, it has to do with not wanting people to fill in the gaps in the wrong way, which they almost always do. I guess over-explaining doesn't help because people have limitted attention span so they would still not hear half of what I say and fill in the gaps wrongly. And then I would go like "didn't you hear I said such and such" which would be even more frustrating. But I guess, I keep hoping that each new person would have enough attention span to hear me out. Because at least if I do provide all those details then they could, at least, in principle hear them. But if I don't provide them then they can't, since nobody is psychic. But I realize it is kinda no win situation: either they don't hear all the details because I don't say them, or they don't hear them due to lack of attention span. And in both cases they fill in gaps incorrectly. So I don't know what to do.

As far as 3, it is a different story. Here, I could just skipped it, period. Because leaving out the information is not lying, and why would I ever want to be seen negatively. I guess the 3 has to do with trusting people more than I should. I keep assuming they are on my side and I won't put them off, until I do. I guess I should have realized by now that its a gamble, and stop doing it. But the reason that I do it still, is probably because I feel like I can connect better to people emotionally if they know "all about me". So during those times when I stop, I have that nagging feeling "I wish I could tell them this" and then eventually do tell them. Yet when I tell them, and they reject me, then I have the opposite feeling "I wish I didn't say it". So then I am trying to un-say it by over-explaining myself, as in "hey the reason I did such and such is not because I am a bad person but instead because of such and such" but this typically allienates them further.

Maybe part of what drives me is that I want people to be my counselors and help me out. But then, in the process of giving them "too much information" so that they can be my counselors, I allienate them as friends. Maybe thats why they say that counselors are not allowed to interact with their patients outside their office, since these two types of relationships would interfere, as my example illustrates. But I don't find too much value of the kind of counselor that only interacts with me in the office setting. I want them to actually be able to go out into the real world with me and help me out. Thats why, instead of looking for the actual counselor, I am trying to turn my acquitences into counselors, which ultimately allienates them.



Last edited by QFT on 28 Jun 2022, 6:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,535
Location: England

28 Jun 2022, 6:09 am

Do the latest commenters feel like people's eyes glaze over when they give 'too much' information?

I often get this reaction. I think I'm being helpful and detailed, but the person's eyes glaze over and they start saying 'uh huh' 'mm hm' and I know I've lost them.

With the bit about giving details that put you in a negative light, this confuses me too. Many 'communication experts' advise us to give negative details about ourselves to make ourselves more human and approachable. I don't find that at all. I find it puts people right off and they avoid me.

In fact a lot of these 'communication experts' advice seem to have the opposite effect IMO. Such as, pay attention to what the person says and respond thoughtfully to it. I find that most people just want to lecture me and if I respond to their comments, they just look blankly at me and continue their monologue. There is no give and take in a conversation.


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

28 Jun 2022, 6:24 am

KitLily wrote:
Do the latest commenters feel like people's eyes glaze over when they give 'too much' information?

I often get this reaction. I think I'm being helpful and detailed, but the person's eyes glaze over and they start saying 'uh huh' 'mm hm' and I know I've lost them.


Yeah, I get that same reaction too. But I desperately want to finish whatever I was saying, because stopping midpoint will give plenty of room to fill the information wrong. So, out of desperation, I pretend not to notice that they are not paying attention.

In fact, in some situations they do more than have eyes glazed over: they actually get disracted and/or have to go. In this case, I would start rambling really fast in order to finish whatever I was planning to say. Logically, I should realize that speaking fast would make it hard to listen even for someone who wants to. So if they aren't listening to me when I speak my normal pace (although I admit that my normal pace is quite fast anyway) they surely won't listen if I speak twice faster than my normal pace. Yet I do that anyway since I am really desperate to finish whatever I was saying.

KitLily wrote:
With the bit about giving details that put you in a negative light, this confuses me too. Many 'communication experts' advise us to give negative details about ourselves to make ourselves more human and approachable.


Actually that is part of my motivation too. Except that it is not due to the advice others gave me but instead due to something my own logic produced. In particular I was thinking that if I make myself all positive then I appear dishonest. But by dropping some negative things I would appear more honest.

But I guess I overdo it. Because admitting that I throw temper tantrums is a lot more than admitting some common flaws, since temper tantrum is not a common flaw. However, if you put it on a balance with things I "don't" do, such as I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't have sex before marriage, etc, then it kinda balances it out. But others don't think that way. If they hear "temper tantrum" then they just can't look past it, no matter what other positives I might have.

And by the way, its not just about temper tantrums. There are a lot of other ways I put people off. I have some recent examples where I put people off *simply* by complaining about my life. Well, complaining is not a temper, everyone complains. But I guess people don't complain the first day they met someone, they reserve it for later. But with me there is no such thing as reserving for later. With me, what you see is what you get.

The other thing I notice is that if I don't switch to negatives, I tend to run out of things to talk about. I can't really talk about sports since I don't watch sports. I can't really talk about movies since I don't normally watch movies, etc. But talking about negatives, sure, I have plenty to say about it, since thats what my mind is preoccupied on 24/7.

KitLily wrote:
In fact a lot of these 'communication experts' advice seem to have the opposite effect IMO. Such as, pay attention to what the person says and respond thoughtfully to it. I find that most people just want to lecture me and if I respond to their comments, they just look blankly at me and continue their monologue. There is no give and take in a conversation.


In my case, I admit that sometimes people talk about something and then I turn it into a conversation about myself. Such as, whatever they said about their life, somehow *tangentially* reminded me of something in my own life, and then I just went on and on about my own life.

But the thing though is that I did intend to *eventually* get back to what they were talking about, *after* I was done with whatever tangent I was at. But others didn't wait long enough for it to happen. And then, by the time they actually pointed out that I was only talking about myself, it became too late. Since switching the conversation back to them would only be interpretted as an act to appease them. But, in my head, I knew I wanted to do it all along, long before they called me out. But I can't ever prove it, which is the most frustrating part.



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,535
Location: England

28 Jun 2022, 8:53 am

QFT wrote:
In fact, in some situations they do more than have eyes glazed over: they actually get disracted and/or have to go. In this case, I would start rambling really fast in order to finish whatever I was planning to say...

...With me, what you see is what you get.

...whatever they said about their life, somehow *tangentially* reminded me of something in my own life, and then I just went on and on about my own life.

...But others didn't wait long enough for it to happen.


See, all you said there can be distilled down into one thing: these days, people have tiny attention spans. They can only pay attention for a few minutes, due to social media, phones, videos etc. that have taken over our lives.

In the past, even say 30 years ago, people's attention spans were far, far longer. They could hold a long conversation and be interested in what the person said. Because we weren't all distracted by our phones/ internet. If you speak to old people they generally have a long attention span and can chat for quite a long time.

I don't understand why what you see is what you get is a bad thing. Are people always looking for hidden meanings these days? Do they prefer complicated people with lots of secrets? I certainly don't! I like people I can understand quickly and rely on.

The world is getting too complicated IMO.


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

28 Jun 2022, 11:59 am

KitLily wrote:
QFT wrote:
In fact, in some situations they do more than have eyes glazed over: they actually get disracted and/or have to go. In this case, I would start rambling really fast in order to finish whatever I was planning to say...

...With me, what you see is what you get.

...whatever they said about their life, somehow *tangentially* reminded me of something in my own life, and then I just went on and on about my own life.

...But others didn't wait long enough for it to happen.


See, all you said there can be distilled down into one thing: these days, people have tiny attention spans. They can only pay attention for a few minutes, due to social media, phones, videos etc. that have taken over our lives.

In the past, even say 30 years ago, people's attention spans were far, far longer. They could hold a long conversation and be interested in what the person said. Because we weren't all distracted by our phones/ internet. If you speak to old people they generally have a long attention span and can chat for quite a long time.

I don't understand why what you see is what you get is a bad thing. Are people always looking for hidden meanings these days? Do they prefer complicated people with lots of secrets? I certainly don't! I like people I can understand quickly and rely on.

The world is getting too complicated IMO.


I agree with you.

Now, if you look to the “others didn’t wait long enough for it to happen” example, you will see something really interesting. If you read the rest of that paragraph, I was describing how they confronted me as self focused because they didn’t have time to wait for me to get my focus back to them. But if gadgets are the reason they didn’t have time, then how come gadgets didn’t distract them from judging me? How come they are too busy to wait for me to change the topic of conversation, yet they are not too busy to make it a point to disapprove of whatever little they saw?

And with gossip it’s similar. They are too busy to take half a minute to listen to my justifications as I am trying to save face. Yet they are not too busy to tell all their friends how selfish I am, which I am sure took a lot longer than half a minute.

So can you explain why their short attention span keeps them from listening to me, yet doesn’t keep them from putting me down?



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,535
Location: England

28 Jun 2022, 12:17 pm

QFT wrote:
So can you explain why their short attention span keeps them from listening to me, yet doesn’t keep them from putting me down?


Because judgement is very quick and easy, but listening is hard and requires critical thinking. And judgement is self-focused (what do *I* think about that person?) Whereas listening is 'other person-focused' (what are the other person's life experience and views?)


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

28 Jun 2022, 12:22 pm

KitLily wrote:
QFT wrote:
Because judgement is very quick and easy,


The part of sharing it with their friends is not quick. I mean, by "quick" you probably mean less than a minute, since they don't have a minute to hear me out. But if they share their judgement with 15 different friends, it would take more than a minute total. After all, in order to fit it into a minute, they would have to spend 4 seconds with each friend, and I am sure they spend more than just that.

And here is another question. What about them talking to their friends about what a nice day it is, or complimenting each other on a nice clothes, etc. They can compliment each other for hours. Yet they don't have time so much as to say a single sentence beyond hello when it comes to me.



IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 53,257

28 Jun 2022, 12:25 pm

KitLily wrote:
Do the latest commenters feel like people's eyes glaze over when they give 'too much' information?

I often get this reaction. I think I'm being helpful and detailed, but the person's eyes glaze over and they start saying 'uh huh' 'mm hm' and I know I've lost them.

With the bit about giving details that put you in a negative light, this confuses me too. Many 'communication experts' advise us to give negative details about ourselves to make ourselves more human and approachable. I don't find that at all. I find it puts people right off and they avoid me.

In fact a lot of these 'communication experts' advice seem to have the opposite effect IMO. Such as, pay attention to what the person says and respond thoughtfully to it. I find that most people just want to lecture me and if I respond to their comments, they just look blankly at me and continue their monologue. There is no give and take in a conversation.


I don't speak very much to people and when I do, I don't make eye contact.
I wouldn't know if their eyes glaze over or not.
My over-detailing is mostly online or written because that's how I communicate most comfortably.

Lately I've been over-detailing and over-inquiring with my mothers' hospital doctors.
I can tell they think I'm intense.
I told them I was autistic and I overthink everything, and need a lot of detail.
That's helped quite a bit.

Re: negative details -- I agree that people are uncomfortable hearing those.
They're also uncomfortable if you give positive details about yourself.
There's no way of getting it right unless you don't talk at all.
That's why I seldom speak.