how to turn acquaintance into friend without seeming needy?

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SummerAndSmoke
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27 Sep 2022, 10:29 am

Throughout most of my life, I had absolutely ZERO friends. Almost all of my attempts at friendship were very one-sided (me making all the effort and them not showing they care on any level) and it has taken a toll on me. When I moved to NYC, I became best friends with this girl, but eventually she became very mean and toxic and I had to end things. It made me really sad, because she was the only friend I ever had. But I had to set boundaries.

So that leaves me back to having barely any friends again. There are a couple women I've encountered who seem really awesome and I'd love to become closer with. But I don't know how to advance these relationships because I don't have the opportunity to see them often.
The first girl is someone I met through a mutual buddy at a party. She seemed very warm, generous and open. We are from the same hometown, so we had much to talk about. And she actually asked me for my phone number at the end of the party, so I guess I made a good impression. A few weeks later, I invited her and the mutual buddy to the movies and we had a great time together. But earlier this month, I sent her a text asking her if she is ever free on Tuesday nights because there is this event that my buddy and I like to go to sometimes. She never responded. I later found out on social media that I sent that message the day before she went on a vacation, so possibly it didn't have to do with me. But I don't know if or how I could reach out to her again.

The second girl is someone who I am working with right now in a show that I am rehearsing for.
She is an opera singer who also has autism (she used to be nonverbal but she eventually learned to speak, and then to sing. She appears very socially adept and I would never guess that she had autism. I guess she made a lot of progress) We discovered that she and I actually had the same voice teacher for many years and that seemed to open up a lot of delightful conversation. We ended up taking a car together after rehearsal the other day. She seems like an incredibly cool person, and I will see her nearly every day for the next couple weeks. But she has limited free time due to her day job, and after this show is over, I don't know how I could pursue a friendship with her without making her feel like I am making demands on her time.

Is there anything I can do to advance these acquaintanceships into friendships? I feel like I'm really at a loss of what to do because I'd really like to spend more time with these people, but I don't want to seem pushy/needy or like I want more from them than they are able and willing to give.



klanka
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27 Sep 2022, 1:56 pm

with me, in the last 2 years, I had to meet around 50 blokes before anyone was more than an acquaintance.
i think its worth sending another message to 'holiday girl'

'opera girl' seems alright but dont be too disappointed if it dont work out



Mona Pereth
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27 Sep 2022, 7:05 pm

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Throughout most of my life, I had absolutely ZERO friends. Almost all of my attempts at friendship were very one-sided (me making all the effort and them not showing they care on any level) and it has taken a toll on me. When I moved to NYC,

Are you still in NYC? (I live in Queens.)

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
I became best friends with this girl, but eventually she became very mean and toxic and I had to end things. It made me really sad, because she was the only friend I ever had. But I had to set boundaries.

Very sorry to hear this. Yes, it is necessary to set boundaries with people who are nasty to you.

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
So that leaves me back to having barely any friends again. There are a couple women I've encountered who seem really awesome and I'd love to become closer with. But I don't know how to advance these relationships because I don't have the opportunity to see them often.

Friendship, and how one makes friends, is a highly individual thing. In order for us to be able to give you useful advice, it would be helpful if you could tell us more about these specific people. Specific questions below:

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
The first girl is someone I met through a mutual buddy at a party. She seemed very warm, generous and open. We are from the same hometown, so we had much to talk about. And she actually asked me for my phone number at the end of the party, so I guess I made a good impression. A few weeks later, I invited her and the mutual buddy to the movies and we had a great time together. But earlier this month, I sent her a text asking her if she is ever free on Tuesday nights because there is this event that my buddy and I like to go to sometimes. She never responded. I later found out on social media that I sent that message the day before she went on a vacation, so possibly it didn't have to do with me. But I don't know if or how I could reach out to her again.

What kind of connection do you have with the mutual buddy? How long have you known the mutual buddy, and how well-established is your friendship with that person?

Are there any specific interests, hobbies, or recreational activities that you, the new girl, and your mutual buddy all have in common?

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
The second girl is someone who I am working with right now in a show that I am rehearsing for.
She is an opera singer who also has autism (she used to be nonverbal but she eventually learned to speak, and then to sing. She appears very socially adept and I would never guess that she had autism. I guess she made a lot of progress) We discovered that she and I actually had the same voice teacher for many years and that seemed to open up a lot of delightful conversation. We ended up taking a car together after rehearsal the other day. She seems like an incredibly cool person, and I will see her nearly every day for the next couple weeks. But she has limited free time due to her day job, and after this show is over, I don't know how I could pursue a friendship with her without making her feel like I am making demands on her time.

Are you in contact with her via email and/or social media?

What else, if anything, do you and she have in common besides being both autistic and opera singers?

It seems like she's not someone you can spend a lot of time with. But that doesn't necessarily rule out a friendship in the long run.

One thing you could do would be to to call her attention (via email or social media) to the occasional news story you come across about autistic opera singers, or perhaps about autistic (or otherwise neurodivergent) people in performing arts more generally.

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Is there anything I can do to advance these acquaintanceships into friendships? I feel like I'm really at a loss of what to do because I'd really like to spend more time with these people, but I don't want to seem pushy/needy or like I want more from them than they are able and willing to give.

For both these women, one thing you might do is to occasionally invite them to go with you to events that you know will be of interest to both you and them. In the case of the opera singer, the events you invite her to should probably be, if possible, ones that could help to advance both your and her careers (I'm not sure what kinds of events these would be), rather than purely entertainment events. For both women, it's probably best to stick with events that you know would be of interest to them in and of themselves, not just as a way to hang out with you.


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SummerAndSmoke
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28 Sep 2022, 11:05 am

Quote:
Are you still in NYC? (I live in Queens.)


I live in Manhattan.



Quote:
What kind of connection do you have with the mutual buddy? How long have you known the mutual buddy, and how well-established is your friendship with that person?

Are there any specific interests, hobbies, or recreational activities that you, the new girl, and your mutual buddy all have in common?


The mutual buddy is someone I have known for a couple years. It is a semi-established friendship.... we aren't like BFF's. But I generally see him once every 4 to 8 weeks. All three of us are NYC theatre performers (they are actors and I am an actor/singer) and I met the new girl at his house party back in July. About a month after our trip to the movies, the three of us were going to visit his parents' home for dinner in Connecticut, but there were scheduling mishaps and the plan got bungled.


Quote:
Are you in contact with her via email and/or social media?

What else, if anything, do you and she have in common besides being both autistic and opera singers?


I have her email address. She isn't on social media. In addition to being autistic sopranos, we are also both Asian American, we love our acrylic nails and share similar quirky fashion sense.



CockneyRebel
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29 Sep 2022, 11:26 pm

I hope that things work out for you. I can't really give you any advice. I guess that you can phone people on a regular basis.


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06 Oct 2022, 4:41 pm

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
In addition to being autistic sopranos, we are also both Asian American, we love our acrylic nails and share similar quirky fashion sense.

And often it’s the seemingly small things [which are really not that small in reality! :D ] that provides like two-thirds of the back-and-forth of a friendship.