How do I meet people if I don't go alone to the pub, e.g.?

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chris1989
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25 Jan 2023, 6:34 pm

I seem to feel like it's been a long while since I did meet someone in a shop and from then on, went out and go to know each other but now we haven't spoken to each other in a few years not because we had a falling out or anything like that, she used to message me and now I get no responses whatsoever from her so I don't know whether she moved away without telling me, lost my number etc, I really don't know.

Despite this experience, I still haven't met someone in the same way I did before. I still won't on my own initiative in my own leisure time go alone to a pub on a weekend, go back into volunteering again, etc. I do beat myself up in my own head for choosing not to do these and by not doing them it makes it seem like I'm just wasting my time and life not doing those things.

I seem to think I can see myself sitting in a busy and noisy club on my own and getting bored of it after a while because I don't like the music and the atmosphere and then leaving. I explained in a previous thread before, that I went to a club before and I found it uncomfortable with all the flashing lights so I spent the rest of the evening outside and that was not because I had epilepsy because I'm not epileptic. I can't get myself back into volunteering because I seem to think I go put off by some places because they seem boring as they had just one or two people working there and didn't always talk to them and didn't really feel like making friends with them and also it was probably because I wouldn't befriend they were much younger or much older than me even though I know it shouldn't really matter making friends older or younger than you.



kraftiekortie
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26 Jan 2023, 6:05 am

Don’t go to a bar or club just because you feel you “have to.”

How about lectures at universities and such?



Mona Pereth
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26 Jan 2023, 4:44 pm

Do you have any hobbies? If so, maybe look on Meetup.com for groups of people with the same or similar hobbies?


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autisticelders
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28 Jan 2023, 7:36 am

I met people through "interest groups" online ( I used Facebook)
I joined groups to participate/share/learn for some of the interests that are strongest for me.
I got to know people in the group on line and after a while some from the area I am in got together to do interest related things "in person".
After knowing some of them from the group for a while, I already felt I knew them, and some recognized me, too. I found a couple I got on with pretty well and we exchanged personal info so we could contact each other to meet do an activity about our interest .

I have met with many people once or twice and enjoyed it, decided not to meet again with others. I have a list of about 4 or 5 people I can arrange to meet to do interest related activities with all year long. Mean time we keep in touch through the group page on Facebook.
It takes time, but finding others this way gives us a better chance of keeping friends because we already know we have something in common. It gives us a little foundation we can build on.
I have found out that once we are doing our activity together we get to know each other better and lots of times it works out that we have even more in common than we thought.
Generally it takes time and careful work to make a lasting friendship. Its exciting but don't be in a rush!
Even more so if you are "looking for love". "love at first sight" is almost impossibly rare.


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r00tb33r
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30 Jan 2023, 6:08 am

I don't think I'd want to meet the type that goes to a pub.


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Joe90
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01 Feb 2023, 6:33 pm

People on the spectrum aren't meant to meet people in pubs and bars, because whatever effort we'll make people would just respond with the dreaded words of social rejection; ''stop following me'', ''I wasn't talking to you'', and ''do you want something??'' - even those of us who know better to be casual and subtle, we still fail miserably. And people wonder why I get frustrated with autism. All these social rules only seem to apply to us and not to the NTs. The NTs can practically do anything they wish and still somehow fit in. So lucky.

But this doesn't apply to every autistic person or NT person. I'm just saying from personal experience. Oh God I wish I were NT. :x


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CaliforniaLoneliness
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01 Feb 2023, 8:10 pm

You can research whether there's any free or at least, easily affordable* group activities or classes in your area that are more low-key and less sensory overload than a pub or club.


*I don't know your financial situation, so I didn't want to assume that you have a lot of disposable income, and regardless I don't think anyone should have to spend a lot of money to make friends...



klanka
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02 Feb 2023, 7:19 am

Joe90 wrote:
People on the spectrum aren't meant to meet people in pubs and bars, because whatever effort we'll make people would just respond with the dreaded words of social rejection; ''stop following me'', ''I wasn't talking to you'', and ''do you want something??'' - even those of us who know better to be casual and subtle, we still fail miserably. And people wonder why I get frustrated with autism. All these social rules only seem to apply to us and not to the NTs. The NTs can practically do anything they wish and still somehow fit in. So lucky.

you'd be a good asperger's comedian cos you tell the truth in an amusing way



Joe90
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06 Feb 2023, 12:33 am

klanka wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
People on the spectrum aren't meant to meet people in pubs and bars, because whatever effort we'll make people would just respond with the dreaded words of social rejection; ''stop following me'', ''I wasn't talking to you'', and ''do you want something??'' - even those of us who know better to be casual and subtle, we still fail miserably. And people wonder why I get frustrated with autism. All these social rules only seem to apply to us and not to the NTs. The NTs can practically do anything they wish and still somehow fit in. So lucky.

you'd be a good asperger's comedian cos you tell the truth in an amusing way


Is that called dry wit?


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naturalplastic
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06 Feb 2023, 1:47 am

Joe90 wrote:
klanka wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
People on the spectrum aren't meant to meet people in pubs and bars, because whatever effort we'll make people would just respond with the dreaded words of social rejection; ''stop following me'', ''I wasn't talking to you'', and ''do you want something??'' - even those of us who know better to be casual and subtle, we still fail miserably. And people wonder why I get frustrated with autism. All these social rules only seem to apply to us and not to the NTs. The NTs can practically do anything they wish and still somehow fit in. So lucky.

you'd be a good asperger's comedian cos you tell the truth in an amusing way


Is that called dry wit?


"Dry" means "dead pan". Stephen Wright is the textbook example of deadpan delivery. Flat even tone. You cant really call a text 'deadpan' because we cant hear your tone or see your facial lack of expression.



Highlander852456
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07 Feb 2023, 7:54 pm

I used to go to the pub.
No relationships happened.
That being said I was not able to establish relationships at that age either, since I did not know how it works.
Also I think the pub is generally a place where lots of different people meet, so its pretty random just like anywhere else.
Having good time at some place like pub is purely random.
If by chance there are people who you can talk to and get along with, that is just random chance not a rule.
Since you never know who the people at pub are or what its like going to be its hard to say whether its good idea at all.

My experience in pub were mixed bag of good and not so good. Some of it got repetitive and boring.

So my point is if you do not go to the pub you are probably not missing out.
Plus most people go there to drink and get drunk.



NullPointerException
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08 Feb 2023, 8:43 pm

r00tb33r wrote:
I don't think I'd want to meet the type that goes to a pub.


Lol I guess depends on the country but you've got a point :D

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Joe90 wrote:
People on the spectrum aren't meant to meet people in pubs and bars, because whatever effort we'll make people would just respond with the dreaded words of social rejection; ''stop following me'', ''I wasn't talking to you'', and ''do you want something??''

I chuckled sorry :lol: sounds rude of them :(


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Last edited by NullPointerException on 08 Feb 2023, 8:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NullPointerException
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08 Feb 2023, 8:50 pm

Highlander852456 wrote:
I used to go to the pub.
No relationships happened.
That being said I was not able to establish relationships at that age either, since I did not know how it works.

Image

Highlander852456 wrote:
Also I think the pub is generally a place where lots of different people meet, so its pretty random just like anywhere else.
Having good time at some place like pub is purely random.
If by chance there are people who you can talk to and get along with, that is just random chance not a rule.
Since you never know who the people at pub are or what its like going to be its hard to say whether its good idea at all.

My experience in pub were mixed bag of good and not so good. Some of it got repetitive and boring.

So my point is if you do not go to the pub you are probably not missing out.
Plus most people go there to drink and get drunk.

Maybe it works for people whose hobby is going to the pubs and drinking ? No idea :D


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funeralxempire
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08 Feb 2023, 8:56 pm

NullPointerException wrote:
Maybe it works for people whose hobby is going to the pubs and drinking ? No idea :D


It always helps to have shared hobbies and social circles. :nerdy:


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Highlander852456
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09 Feb 2023, 6:10 pm

NullPointerException wrote:
Highlander852456 wrote:
I used to go to the pub.
No relationships happened.
That being said I was not able to establish relationships at that age either, since I did not know how it works.

Image

Highlander852456 wrote:
Also I think the pub is generally a place where lots of different people meet, so its pretty random just like anywhere else.
Having good time at some place like pub is purely random.
If by chance there are people who you can talk to and get along with, that is just random chance not a rule.
Since you never know who the people at pub are or what its like going to be its hard to say whether its good idea at all.

My experience in pub were mixed bag of good and not so good. Some of it got repetitive and boring.

So my point is if you do not go to the pub you are probably not missing out.
Plus most people go there to drink and get drunk.

Maybe it works for people whose hobby is going to the pubs and drinking ? No idea :D


I think there is no written formula for how to work on relationships, but I feel like I am too distant from people around me and I also don't know if thats good or bad.

And you are right maybe no one knows.

I also don't really feel like I am getting some major vibe from people just because they and I are drunk.



Joe90
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09 Feb 2023, 9:29 pm

That's two people in this thread who has found my post funny. :lol: How's it funny? Or is it a "it's funny coz it's true" thing?

I'm not offended by the way. I'm rather flattered. :)


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