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Brittany2907
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28 Sep 2007, 6:26 am

I'm not good at making friends.
If I do end up making "friends" with someone they will end up using me for money, or just boss me around, or end up starting nasty rumours about me and pretending to be my friend.
I have met great people online, but everyone in real life just seems to be really mean and horrible.
Why do I end up making friends with the wrong people?
Do any of you do this?


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skahthic
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28 Sep 2007, 6:36 am

I seem to have had that problem alot, too. I think mean people are like any predator--- they can sniff out any weakness they want to exploit. I would do anything for someone I thought was a friend, so naturally there were people who would befriend me and then "need" me to help them out in various ways, or try to control me. This sucks. Eventually, they would wear out their welcome and show their true colors as mean people--- by then they had gotten what they wanted. They would then move on to another "friend" to victimize.
If you stand up to them and call them out on their fakeness, this will also force them to go away, which is good. Of course, they might still tell everyone how mean you were to them by cancelling your friendship with them and make it seem like THEY were the victim ( I've had this happen, too). It's still better than keeping them around.
I'd rather stick with people online and the few real friends I have. It drains me further each time I get "hornswaggled" by a fake friend.



zen_mistress
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28 Sep 2007, 7:24 am

I find that what has helped me the most is

1) Learning all about NTs what makes them happy, what offends them, and how they function socially
and then after this,
2) Focussing my efforts on finding other aspies and like-minded people to interact with. Because, hanging out with NTs is like hanging out with a different species. And that doesnt change. But being able to handle NTS better is helpful.

Perhaps this is unhelpful. I am saying it applies directly to my situation though I cant speak for all aspies.

I also find it hard to read the motives of some NTs because I am trusting and dont want to believe someone has bad intentions. Sometimes I plain just cant see the bad intentions at all.
The worst thing I can let happen is let people like this destroy my ability to trust though.


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Quirky_Girl72
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28 Sep 2007, 8:16 am

I have had the same problems w/ friends as well, esp other females. Therefore, the few friends I do have now are mostly male. I have been used for money so many times. I remember the one time I needed money, I asked to borrow it from one of my friends who already owed me a lot of money. Of course, she said no, even though she just was paid and I was going to give her back the money the next day. So, suffice to say, that was the last draw-for many other reasons-and I completely cut her out of my life. In fact, I had to cut out all of my 'toxic' friends from my life. All of these people:
- They told everyone they knew things that I told them in strict confidence (I would never spill one of their secrets!)
- Said terrible and untrue things about me behind my back
- Were never there for me when I needed the (I would go out of my way for any of my friends who were in need).
- Just basically using me

Argghhh! Anyway, I really do not need or want a lot of friends. In addition, like I said before, I have only one female friend and the rest are male. I find that men do not get caught-up in the same BS that women do. Moreover, I relate to them much better. I also try not to let my friends get too close to me, since I do not want to get hurt again...


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woodsman25
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28 Sep 2007, 12:24 pm

In high school and collage i desperatly wanted friends and allies. I got involved with the wrong crowd. Over a few years, I had many social connections, and decided at that time I really wanted to be somebody that ppl knew and needed. I spent years selling pot and other narcottics. Instant social success in high school! Within a year I went from being a loose to having many friends, people by my side to help me make money, people who could protect me, I felt like a big man in that school by senior year, everybody knew me and gave me respect it felt like.

Of course, that was only on the outside, and I reduced myself to a crimial for those years. Granted, i have had many experiences and learned many things and feel lucky that I experienced all I did, but I wish I could made other choices in those years.


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nebgreen
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28 Sep 2007, 10:40 pm

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that the overwhelming MAJORITY of NeuroTypicals are just not worth my time and patience. Everytime I attempt to try and "understand" them, I just end up wasting my time and energy. zen_mistress is right on when describing them as "another species"---that is precisely what they are. As much as I hate to harbor an "us vs. them" mentality concerning Aspies vs. NeuroTypicals, it's inevitable that we must draw closer to other Aspies and spend most of our time and energy with THEM. Spending too much time with NT's can be very draining and very frustrating (not to mention VERY ANNOYING).

I have had so many NT "friends" who needed me to drive them around, to borrow money from me, do them favors, and be THEIR shoulder to cry on, but would NEVER return the favor or do ANYTHING FOR ME. Yes, we must love NT's, but this does NOT mean that we have to feel obligated to spend much time with them. Mean as it sounds, I think we should spend as LITTLE time with NT's as possible. If I'm being an unrealistic jerk about this, I don't mean to be----just Aspie cynicism creeping in. If I'm wrong about this, that's OK too. I think it's a matter of PRIORITIES and what will strengthen us.


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zen_mistress
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29 Sep 2007, 10:59 am

Yeah. I think they are like another species. I probably shouldnt have written what I wrote before, I was in a depressive slump.

I actually dont think that the classic NTs are that differerent to us when it somes down to it. We are all people. What I am finding hard about NTs is that it is impossible to understand them. They dont look at the world in the same way that I do, and its hard for me to feel comfortable with people who have such a different worldview.

I feel I am figuring out something which may help me deal with them better and I will share it when I find out what it is. But right know I just dont know.


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WhiskeryBeast
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01 Oct 2007, 8:34 am

It's good to know that other people are going through the same things as I am. I find most people are the ones that drain me emotionally. They always want me to drop everything to comfort them and then when I need some sympathy, they are no where to be found. I wonder if they just treat me this way, or if they treat other NT's this way to? Do NT's just not see this or do they have a special way of dealing with this?

I would desperatly like friends, but can't seem to choose the "right" ones for me.



WildMonkey
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01 Oct 2007, 11:28 am

I have given up trying to make fiends they put to much pressure on me to go out an want to much of my time also don't trust the motives for wanting to be my fiend have made a lot more enemies then fiends in the past People in general just get on my nerves or really bore me.



samtoo
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01 Oct 2007, 12:50 pm

I ain't made any friends who are gonna do that, but I have made a few who aren't really that nice... some will be slightly harsh to me... but a nice understanding chap who realizes I have AS said to me to ignore those jerks if they start to jerk me around... he says he knows someone with AS and that he knows what it's about...

Little things like that are great to elate your mood that extra bit. :D So lol - he's a good friend lol. On my course... about 24 or something...


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maritimeblaze17
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07 Oct 2007, 2:28 pm

I am 29 years old and I grew up being bullied, teased, used, and harassed. I endured many of the issues in high school and college that others here on this board have experienced. What I eventually learned from friends who were honest to me is that I often "made it hard" for people to want to be "friends" with me. Some of my social skills weaknesses and inappropriate behaviors alienated people from me. They told me that many people did like me, but that I made it hard for people to want to socialize with me.

My other friends also told me that "I tried too hard" and that "I came off too needy". And I agreed with them. In my own personal experience I've learned that people who come off feeling sorry for themselves and "emotionally needy" don't have friends. That is because people don't want to have friends who are high-maintenance. They want friends who will make it rewarding to interact with them, not people who will burden them with their emotional baggage and self-esteem issues.

My suggestion is that you figure out what behaviors turn people off and alienate them from you. What behaviors do you exhibit that turn people off or alienate others? I'd also stop trying to be emotionally needy. What I would then to do is try to get involve in activities where you can meet other people. Look for volunteer activities out there.

Finally let me say this. You probably have a lot of people in your life who do like you. There are probably many people out there who want to be your friend and will if you make some adjustments in how you act. That doesn't mean that you should compromise who you are--that would not be a good idea--but rather that you should figure out what behaviors turn people off and adjust accordingly.

As for friends who abuse you I'd stop talking them. You need to stop lending money to friends, allowing them to talk behind your back, or use them. One of my regrets is that I didn't stop letting others taking advantage of me. This step will require courage on your part. In the short term it may mean not having friends at all. It may means being alone. You're going to have to have strength to get through that.

As they say these are my thoughts. Feel free to take what you like--and leave the rest behind.



shadexiii
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07 Oct 2007, 2:34 pm

maritimeblaze17 wrote:

My suggestion is that you figure out what behaviors turn people off and alienate them from you. What behaviors do you exhibit that turn people off or alienate others? I'd also stop trying to be emotionally needy. What I would then to do is try to get involve in activities where you can meet other people. Look for volunteer activities out there.

Finally let me say this. You probably have a lot of people in your life who do like you. There are probably many people out there who want to be your friend and will if you make some adjustments in how you act. That doesn't mean that you should compromise who you are--that would not be a good idea--but rather that you should figure out what behaviors turn people off and adjust accordingly.

While I went through many of the same issues, with many of the same sorts of people, the best friends I have ever had were the ones that didn't take issue with some of the "odd" or off-putting behaviors I had, and still have. They may be several states away at this point, but I still hear from them from time to time, and I still write to them from time to time. They may not be great in numbers, but quality is always better than quantity.



maritimeblaze17
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07 Oct 2007, 2:57 pm

Shadexii--It's okay to be "different" or have "odd behaviors" that don't negative impair your relationships with others. However, if you are acting inappropriately in certain situations, I'd figure out what it is because you don't want to lose the friends that you have. My very best friend would often point out my inappropriate behavior and it was through him that I was able to improve. So, if a friend does give you feedback, I wouldn't be offended.



shadexiii
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07 Oct 2007, 3:13 pm

maritimeblaze17 wrote:
So, if a friend does give you feedback, I wouldn't be offended.

Feedback can have many forms, some more positive than others. Those that simply give feedback, they're looking out for you, so they are good friends. Those that give feedback in the form of ridicule, even though they are supposedly "friends," are the types to avoid.



shadexiii
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07 Oct 2007, 3:17 pm

Ehhh....probably should elaborate a bit.

When I was in middle school (what little I can still remember of it) I had a very small group of friends. Well, a couple of them were really my friends, the rest were friends of theirs that...I suppose "tolerated" would be the best word. They "tolerated" me. At some point, I did something to irritate one of them, and he orchestrated a plan to have all of them ignore me. I asked what exactly I did to offend them, so I could try to avoid it, and the response was that my not knowing what it was that I had done wrong, that was somehow part of the problem. While that is a bit of an extreme case, if someone is willing to tell you what exactly you did that was annoying or off-putting to them, and help you understand why, because they want what is best for you, then sure, they are worth keeping as a friend.