Thrown into a panic

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A playground mum I used to know when my daughter was little has invited me to lunch with her and another one. They are both nice but it's years since I socialised with people and those weren't pleasant experiences. I don't have use of the car so they will have to pick me up. Three's a crowd though, what if they gang up on me? I had that experience with a Meetup group once.

The main worry is my fluctuating blood sugar and difficult digestive system. I'll have to make sure I eat a big meal before I go so I don't collapse and I'll have to take water and food with me in case of emergencies like sudden changes of plan like them suddenly saying 'hey let's go for a long walk.' Like people do sometimes. I've learned not to do sudden exercise like that because it makes me run out of energy in minutes. What could I say if they suddenly wanted to go for a walk?

I don't know what to do. I'm carefully planning a response to text back, hoping not to offend them by accident. Trying to sound keen but not too keen, relaxed but not too relaxed.

Should I even go? Because if one of them is giving me a lift, I will be trapped and not able to make an escape if I have to.

It's completely thrown me.

I can absolutely relate to the sheer panic that sets in on the rare occasion anyone makes an overture if friendship towards me.

Its risky because while it could disprove some negative beliefs you have about yourself socially, equally it could reinforce them and that will feel horrible.

Your 'what ifs' are just manifestations of your fear. I'm not judging, I do exactly the same thing.

But they're unlikely to happen, and if they do you can simply state your needs - it's not wrong to do that. If they're decent peoole they'll be cool with it. If they're not cool with it then they're not decent people and it says nothing about you.

Personally I hope you go and your fears prove unfounded because you deserve some friends.

Thanks Duck. I've more or less decided not to go. The first lady, A, is really nice, but the second one, T, seems to take offence easily. I know I've offended her somehow in the past due to her strange comments to me, but I've no idea what I did or how to cope with that. Three is a crowd, that is really true and I'm bound to be excluded, say something wrong etc. The last time I went out in a trio it was horrendous and I was the butt of all the jokes.

Also I don't want them poking their noses into my life e.g. finding out about our house move next year, my mum's dementia, my daughter's various problems. I am pretty secretive about my life.

I've just got to figure out a text to send that won't offend them too much...

This situation has really made me anxious. From past experience, lunches and coffees with local women do not go well. Especially in a trio! Two's company, three's a crowd etc. That means, one person is always the butt of the jokes, usually me.

I'm either going to ignore the text and hope I don't see the people again. Likely because I rarely leave the house anymore. Or reply to say my anxiety is far too high these days and I only leave the house in an emergency. Not sure which one would be best...

I am also anxious right now about meeting someone in a few minutes. But it's only one person. I am usually very blunt and honest about why I decline an invitation, but I really don't know if my way is good or not. Whatever decision feels right to you will come. If it's ignoring the text by seemingly not making a decision, then that is good and right, as well.

Do what works for you obviously but won't ignoring the text lead to more anxiety about facing these people at some point?

I would suggest a text firstly thanking then for thinking of you and inviting you but then saying you won't be able to make it. No need to go into reasons why if you don't want, just a vague 'busy that day' would conver it, then you won't have to hide from them in the playground.

It also leaves the door open to seeing one of them separately at some point if you feel differently some day.

Just a thought.

Thanks guys.

I never see these mums anymore. I can't remember the last time I saw them, maybe 7 years ago at the primary school? btw my daughter is 17 now so I'll never bump into these mums in the playground, that was far in the past.

The text inviting me to lunch is completely out of the blue. I've been to social events with them but always related to school, never with us on our own. I'm a bit suspicious in a way- why now? What's the reason? It's so unexpected.

It's strange she got in touch after all this time.

Covid. A lot of older people are starting to feel safe enough to go outside and mingle.

Some people just genuinely like to catch up with old friends or contacts. It does happen.

Yeah I suppose.

It's just too scary. As I said above, one mum, A, is nice and straightforward. The other one, T, is tricky. I know I offended her at some point in the past because she suddenly changed from being really nice to trying to score points over me (or something?) e.g. texting: 'does your daughter ever shout and have fun?' 'my daughter always does her homework the same day' 'oh, sorry your daughter got the homework wrong.' etc.

The world of motherhood is fraught with dangers- it seems so easy to offend another mum and I've no idea what I've done wrong.

I don't trust T. I don't want to go to lunch and come back feeling worse than before. I'd like to meet A on her own but 'two's company, three's a crowd.'

I'm just going to pretend I didn't get the message. My phone has been acting extremely weirdly lately, so it's possible.

Yeah do what's right for you. Chances are they won't remember either.

I think you made a good decision Kit. If you don't want to go, for whatever reason, you shouldn't go. You don't need to convince yourself if it's right or wrong to avoid stuff you don't want to do. I understand it's hard to know how to reply, though. That's the worst part.

A friend of mine is moving to another country and she wants to get together before she goes. It's the last thing I want to do and I have no interest in seeing her even though I wish her well. I don't understand why seeing someone physically is so important to some people. I could enjoy a long online (written) chat just as much (actually more) than sitting in her presence and speaking / listening to communicate. She's totally draining - it used to take me weeks to recover from a simple coffee sometimes. I told her I was sick when she suggested getting together, because I was. She still hasn't moved away so I'm sure she'll ask me again. Maybe I'll take my daughter with me, since she wants to give away some of her furniture.

Thanks Isabella. I just have a bad feeling about it and my health isn't really good enough for spontaneous events. I have to carefully plan everything in advance. And not having the car means I can't leave early if I have a problem. I'll be tied to one of the others to take me home and they may not understand or allow it. I have had bad experiences like this before.

That friend of yours sounds very difficult, it'll be good when she leaves IMO! Good luck with her.

I don’t blame you for being worried. I had people ambush me at their small group Bible study.

As for the medical needs, I definitely let them know that you have some health issues.