At a loss for communications with NT Mom

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, I have tried, several times, to communicate better with my mom, by explaining
A) I am sensitive to the raise in my mom's voice (When it goes from *squeak* to *SQueak*. --up two or three decibels) I oftentimes think that she is mad at me. Most of the time she is not, and she gets annoyed for asking "are you mad at me?" I have then explained that I sometimes misinterpret things, so before I get mad at her for being mad at me, I should probably ask her first. She doesn't understand this, and thinks I go off on a rant every time about me misinterpreting things. I don't; I feel the need to explain this to her because she gets annoyed at me for asking "Are you mad," which again gets me explaining it.

B) My brother sometimes says mean things sarcastically, and I take them the wrong way. All that my mom does, in showing that she has the understanding of a monkey (well, maybe that's a bit harsh; I just had a mini-meltdown), is repeat back what I said in A): "You're misinterpreting things", which of course doesn't help me in the least, because this was used by a crutch by my roomy of last year who said mean things, and then said I'm kidding, when he really wasn't (or maybe he was, but that still gave him the excuse--not to mention that when I tried to explain this to her, she cut me off right away and said "don't tell me about your roomy.") The issue for *me,* then, isn't "Your misinterpreting things"; it is then HOW am I misinterpreting them (IE: Is he being sarcastic? Joking? Did I miss the context? Etc.). When I explain this to my mom, she accuses me of trying to dictate to her how to help me. Which is ridiculous because all I am doing is trying to communicate to her: I don't need to know that I am misinterpreting things; it is HOW I am misinterpreting them which I need to understand.

How am I not communicating this properly? *sigh*

There is a way that you can cast your issue in a better light. The way you are expressing yourself is in a closed/dead end way, as if there is no practical solution. I do it too. Its the aspie "just the facts" way of explaining.

NTs will respond better to you if you use an enabling statement.

For instance, instead of saying "I cant take shrill voices", try saying "I do best with soft conversation". Now if the difference escapes you(and it for did me), the second statement presents the problem in a light where the applicant(your mom in this case) will feel in a position to to shape her words. She will feel in control, intelligent and thoughtful.

To sum up:

I cant take shrill voices = I dont like your voice
I do best with soft conversation = here is what I like; help however you feel is best

Do you see how the first is a personal attack, and the second is a method of making a person feel at ease?

You can tell by your moms statement about "dictating how to help". The second approach leaves things open to them providing a solution whilst casting your difficulty in a positive light.

You are thinking hard about how to improve yourself. That is a commendable thing, and something that many people do not do even as adults. Keep trying, you are doing good. I can tell.

Good luck!

my mom also acts like a child and i dont know how to deal with her