Page 1 of 2 [ 19 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

cazzie2010
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 30 May 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 139
Location: England

19 Jun 2010, 1:51 pm

hi all,
Why dont people with autism or asperger's syndrome have no friends or not very many?

what are your thoughts on this......

i have 1 really good friend other then that non!!

i did not have many friends at school nearth college

take care
cazzie :)



Willard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,647

19 Jun 2010, 2:24 pm

Humans bond with other humans because they have interests or experiences in common. People with AS do not think or experience the world in the same way that others do, therefore we rarely meet people with whom we share many interests or experiences.

And, as socializing is for most of us, mentally draining and extremely stressful, there's little reason for wanting to be part of a wide circle of friends. Difficult to maintain close relationships with others when you really don't care to spend time with them very often, or for very long.

The only close friends I've had in my life were all people with whom I shared unusual interests and/or hobbies and who were happy to hang out and talk endlessly about our shared obsessions. Normal people bore me and get on my nerves.



clovismackintosh
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 111
Gender: Male
Posts: 168

19 Jun 2010, 4:44 pm

I have only ever had two of three friends at anyone time and at school or college this did make me up happy - I felt people with lots of friends were having much more fun and able to ignore all the horrid thing that go on in the world.

But I have always found it difficult to talk to people. WP helps because no matter how individually different we are we have a sort of common bond. The typical things that are a bond for me (sports for example) are utterly alien to me and I get nervous when in crowds etc.

Recently I've met a great girl who understands and accept me and actually see AS making the person she likes. When were together we have enough in common to help us not just survive but be happy.

Robert


_________________
Clovis


CockneyRebel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 105,214
Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow

19 Jun 2010, 11:07 pm

Because the mainstream population of my age group, is a waste of my time. I share no common interests or experiences, with them. I get along better with unique people, or people of my parents Baby Boomer generation.


_________________
Peabody

Om Nom 2024

viewtopic.php?f=11&t=26&start=645


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 109,488
Location: the island of defective toy santas

20 Jun 2010, 3:19 am

i don't know anybody who likes what i like and dislikes what i dislike. it's just as well.



spooky13
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jul 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 499
Location: Drifting through the fog of reality

20 Jun 2010, 10:11 am

The few peope I know don't usually seem interested in anything except their own daily self-orbiting lives. :?


_________________
"Why do it today when I can put it off until tomorrow."
Diagnosed aspie with an NT alter-ego.


CockneyRebel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 105,214
Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow

20 Jun 2010, 11:15 am

Many people are too much into the next coming century, for me...a waste of my nostalgic time.


_________________
Peabody

Om Nom 2024

viewtopic.php?f=11&t=26&start=645


Amajanshi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 626

20 Jun 2010, 5:01 pm

I asked my Psychiatrist about why NTs want so many friends and why they feel very lonely if they don't have anybody to talk to for days.

He said that in traditional society, NTs were tribal and lived in groups of 10-20 people which basically consisted of an extended family. But now this extended family group has been replaced by their circle of friends, so they feel "secure" and "entertained". He said it was the way NTs were wired, that they feel insecure if they're on their own and they desire companionship to avoid being depressed.

Also, people with AS don't have much in common with most people, and they communicate and experience things differently. A few close friends with a shared common interest is far more preferable for an Aspie than 20+ friends who provide superficial banter.



OneStepBeyond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jun 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,310

24 Jun 2010, 6:45 pm

i've always made friends (usually a few close ones rather than lots) but never keep them. I find friendships hard to maintain like willard said but i'm not really sure why. i think other people just get fed up of my strange unexplained ways and i just get frustraited because they don't understand or criticise me for things i cant help or explain. and with more casual friendships i find it quite tiring to keep the friendship going; especially when the thing that connects us ends (like school/a job etc). I also get abit unsure about the etiquette in such situations- like what you should say and how often- and always end up feeling like a burden or an imposition. The only ones i've stayed in touch with for a long time seem to be the ones who make an effort to always 'make the first move' kind of thing and start the conversations first all the time; which i understand most people wouldnt do and would get the impression i wasn't bothered



elderwanda
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2008
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,534
Location: San Francisco Bay Area

24 Jun 2010, 9:19 pm

I've got some AS traits (enough that I feel more or less at home on WP), but I think I'm probably more NT. Still, at 41, I've only had a small handful of friends in my life. Currently, my only friend is my husband of 15 years. I've never felt any great lack of friends, though. It's just the way I am.

I think what keeps me from having a lot of friends is mostly that a) I'm an extreme introvert, b) I enjoy working on solitary projects and hobbies at home, and c) I'm not really very interested in people in general. I don't dislike people, but unless the person is interesting in some way, I wouldn't really enjoy getting to know them. I don't think I'm lacking any particular social skills, but I still have no idea how people manage to "meet people" so often. I can think of one person I've met in the last 12 months. I remember her name and the conversation we had, but I never knew her well enough to exchange phone numbers or invite her out for coffee. Now that I don't have a reason to go to the place where she works, I probably will never seen her again, although she could have made a good friend, judging from the things we had in common. Aside from that one lady, I don't think I've even had an opportunity to meet anyone else.

I could blame it on the fact that I am encumbered by my kids, but it was the same when I was free and single.

I notice on WP a lot of times people seem to assume that being NT means that you have tons of friends. I don't think it's as black and white as that. I suppose the social skills difficulties that AS people tend to have would definitely make it harder to get friends, but I also think that in some cases it might open up the opportunity for different types of friendship, like one based on a special interest.



jdcnosse
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jun 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 617
Location: Phoenix

24 Jun 2010, 9:43 pm

I had many friends spread out through many different cliques. I never had any close friends. This was probably a coping technique of the Asperger's, as I learned just enough about many different hobbies to be able to converse with different people.

(ie. I learned a lil bit about sports for the sport geeks, I learned a lil bit about megadeath and slayer for the metalheads, etc)



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,187
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

25 Jun 2010, 1:06 am

I have very few friends as well. I think Aspies & Autistics have few friends for a few rezones. One is that we are more introverted so we are less likely to go places to meet people. Another theory is that we have a hard time making friends because we see & interpret things differently from NTs. Another theory is that we are different & the social world values conformity


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


Auriya
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 30 May 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 62
Location: NSW, Australia

25 Jun 2010, 3:41 am

I have no friends.
Reason:
It's not I don't want friends. I'm socially pathetic and can't relate to others. I have different interests and think differently. Not met any people my age that will try to get to know me. People can't accept you the way you are even if your gold on the inside. They are too quick to judge.


_________________
Sometimes I do what I want to. The rest of the time I do what I have to.


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 109,488
Location: the island of defective toy santas

25 Jun 2010, 3:56 am

nick007 wrote:
I have very few friends as well. I think Aspies & Autistics have few friends for a few rezones. One is that we are more introverted so we are less likely to go places to meet people. Another theory is that we have a hard time making friends because we see & interpret things differently from NTs. Another theory is that we are different & the social world values conformity


QFT



Element333
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 3 Mar 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 116

25 Jun 2010, 11:57 am

cazzie2010 wrote:
hi all,
Why dont people with autism or asperger's syndrome have no friends or not very many?

what are your thoughts on this......

i have 1 really good friend other then that non!!

i did not have many friends at school nearth college


Well, Aspergers (ASDs) tend to have problems with social skills, which is why we have few, if any, friends. I had a couple of good friends when I was younger, and the people I know today are "acquaintances" not "friends," per se. I tended to over-share my feelings when I was younger, as well as bemoan my constant state of sadness at being socially deficient, which also tends to put people off. NTs find it boring to listen to as well as making me (as one NT acquaintance put it) a "total bummer" to be around. Nowadays, I don't share my private life nearly as much as I used to, and if I do, it's online where no one knows me. I've turned into a complete hermit, which is sad because I still genuinely wish I could reach out to people. Since I quit drinking alcohol years ago, I haven't bothered trying to meet new people. Alcohol had the welcome effect of taking down my defenses and allowing me to talk freely. Problem was, it got to the point where I drank too much of it and my life got way out of control. With that out of my life for good, I've become very reclusive again. There are times when I look back on those years with no regret - it felt as if I'd actually "lived" my life. It's much different now and I have no life to speak of. I merely exist. I'm lonely, yes, but at least I'm sober.

That's a good thing, right?

E333



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 109,488
Location: the island of defective toy santas

26 Jun 2010, 12:51 am

Element333 wrote:
I tended to over-share my feelings when I was younger, as well as bemoan my constant state of sadness at being socially deficient, which also tends to put people off. NTs find it boring to listen to as well as making me (as one NT acquaintance put it) a "total bummer" to be around. Nowadays, I don't share my private life nearly as much as I used to, and if I do, it's online where no one knows me. I've turned into a complete hermit, which is sad because I still genuinely wish I could reach out to people. Since I quit drinking alcohol years ago, I haven't bothered trying to meet new people. Alcohol had the welcome effect of taking down my defenses and allowing me to talk freely. Problem was, it got to the point where I drank too much of it and my life got way out of control. With that out of my life for good, I've become very reclusive again. There are times when I look back on those years with no regret - it felt as if I'd actually "lived" my life. It's much different now and I have no life to speak of. I merely exist. I'm lonely, yes, but at least I'm sober. That's a good thing, right?


:( QFT, +1 [billion]
if i could tolerate alcohol i would've been permanently soused. that would have been a good escape for me, as it was for my late father. but i couldn't, so instead of being blissfully blotto, i marinated in my own misery for decades instead. i only recently learned how to turn the misery off. being lonely and unaccomplished is still way better than the bulk billions of this hellworld's suffering souls have it.