All my friends had a party and didn't invite me

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RedSands
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12 Aug 2008, 1:11 am

mysterious_misfit wrote:
Pobodys_Nerfect wrote:
If you show a negative reaction to this, misfit then all you'll do is validate the exclusion.


What does that mean?



It means if you get angry or do something negative in response, they'll just say, "Whew! It was a good thing we didn't invite HER! What a nutcase!"

The best thing to do in this case is throw your own party, invite a bunch of other people, and then when you know enough people are coming, send invite to these "friends." Then let them see what a great hostess you are, have a great time, and make them want to spend more time with you in the future.

Sometimes the desire for attention prompts us to throw rocks at the bees nest just because we know it's going to get us the fastest response. But its not the response that we really want.

Social interaction, like everything else we learn in the second grade, is bestial and ruthless. You have to be the nicest, happiest, and most popular -already- in order to be popular. Oh, and you need to have the best toys and the nicest house and clothes as well. Otherwise, people will leave you starving for contact.

Sometimes it is good to learn how to feed yourself, eh? Then you don't need them.



kerrissteen
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12 Aug 2008, 2:25 am

LabPet wrote:
I'm her 'autistic friend' that's excluded. That hurts.

In general, would it kill NTs to be just a little thoughtful? I am kind to others - always. I make a point to never be exclusionary since I know it hurts.

or maybe you're the friend who-always-rejects-invitations? just a thought... or she was concerned you'd have a bad time..?

i don't know how the dynamics were with your friendship... but being the one who's always doing the asking and continually getting turned down is hard too :? it starts to become pointless inviting certain friends just so they won't feel excluded when you already know they're going to say 'no' or have expressed a dislike of group gatherings



Crocodile
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13 Aug 2008, 7:40 am

I know what you mean. I haven't been invited several times, and still I do not know why. :( I am kind, nice, friendly, etc., but I still discover that my closest friends had a movie night or a birthday party, weeks ago. :x It still hurts me, I won't get used to it. I realize they aren't REAL friends, because if they were, they would have invited me, just because you don't want a friend to get hurt, because you care about each other. :cry:

I realize too, that if they would really like me, they would invite me, for my presence that they like. :cry: Because they don't, I believe that they don't even like my being-around, or else they would have asked me to come too. Every time I discover it, it hurts me to know that literally no one likes my presence, something I don't get, I am nice and friendly, and when I trust people, I can be a weird, but I am always nice to others. When I discuss it with them, they come with rediculous arguments and weak excuses, say they will call me but never actually do it.



LabPet
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13 Aug 2008, 7:48 pm

Crocodile wrote:
I know what you mean. I haven't been invited several times, and still I do not know why. :( I am kind, nice, friendly, etc., but I still discover that my closest friends had a movie night or a birthday party, weeks ago. :x It still hurts me, I won't get used to it. I realize they aren't REAL friends, because if they were, they would have invited me, just because you don't want a friend to get hurt, because you care about each other. :cry:

I realize too, that if they would really like me, they would invite me, for my presence that they like. :cry: Because they don't, I believe that they don't even like my being-around, or else they would have asked me to come too. Every time I discover it, it hurts me to know that literally no one likes my presence, something I don't get, I am nice and friendly, and when I trust people, I can be a weird, but I am always nice to others. When I discuss it with them, they come with rediculous arguments and weak excuses, say they will call me but never actually do it.


Precisely. And, for me, worse sometimes. When someone wants something of me (I never realize this is the case until well afterward, btw), I interpret their 'niceness' toward me as a friendship gesture. Like when one who was mean to me most always then nicely asked if she could borrow my intricate lab journal/notebook. I was so flattered! I thought she was being nice! Well, no. She just wanted a favor, and actually take advantage of me using my work. Then she was as teasing toward me as ever. THAT hurts.


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GodsWonder
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14 Aug 2008, 9:10 pm

That has happend to a countless amount of times but I still try to keep them as friends because I kind of would rather have bad friends instead of no friends at all.



LabPet
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14 Aug 2008, 10:00 pm

I will add: Being ignored or ostrasized IS a form of bullying. Ideally, no one, including adults, should behave in this way. But they do. In some ways, that mysterious_misfit was not invited is an indication that perhaps these 'friends' really are not.

Like NeantHumain wrote, sometimes NTs feel as if they can just make the decisions for you (in paraphrase). This is a good point and implies they may be 'downgrading.' Unacceptable! mysterious_misfit - I really feel for you and you deserve better.

Can you find some others that might have more in common? Maybe like a 'fun' group that has the similar interests? I've been excluded too and I know the hurt......I am sad for you. You didn't do anything wrong! Some NTs do like the feeling of superiority, but it's just their own deluded perception.

I agree with others though; I do not think confrontation is appropriate. At worst, they could retaliate with gossip, etc. Their actions speak for themselves and the message is quite clear.

But you have friends here! And we don't exclude.


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MemberSix
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15 Aug 2008, 2:17 am

LabPet wrote:
I will add: Being ignored or ostrasized IS a form of bullying. Ideally, no one, including adults, should behave in this way. But they do. In some ways, that mysterious_misfit was not invited is an indication that perhaps these 'friends' really are not.

Like NeantHumain wrote, sometimes NTs feel as if they can just make the decisions for you (in paraphrase). This is a good point and implies they may be 'downgrading.' Unacceptable! mysterious_misfit - I really feel for you and you deserve better.

Can you find some others that might have more in common? Maybe like a 'fun' group that has the similar interests? I've been excluded too and I know the hurt......I am sad for you. You didn't do anything wrong! Some NTs do like the feeling of superiority, but it's just their own deluded perception.

I agree with others though; I do not think confrontation is appropriate. At worst, they could retaliate with gossip, etc. Their actions speak for themselves and the message is quite clear.

But you have friends here! And we don't exclude.

Your hurt and anger are completely understandable.
But from an NT perspective, it's less about excluding someone they dislike than just not including someone who's not as much on their wavelength as their more NT friends.
Consider it as a group of jogging friends not inviting their paraplegic friend on holiday.
It's not a deliberate act of hurt so much as an act of omission resulting in hurt.
There is a difference.
What you are berating is the differences between you - and they are as unresponsible for that as you.
If they wanted to hurt you, there'd be much more effective ways for them to do that - like even for instance, going out of their way to tell you about the party immediately after it happened ... though gossip as you stated, is usually the preferred way.



LabPet
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16 Aug 2008, 1:00 am

MemberSix - You do have a point. Being autistic, I am really shy and socially naive. But I kind and would never hurt anyone. I make certain to not exclude when I am in the rare position that I could (like what I related above).

I do think NTs could learn that autistics can be true and loyal friends. I try VERY hard, and I think most other's of my kind do too. Would it kill any given NT to be considerate? I guess their 'omission,' which is justified as being necessary, like in your example, is another way to divide. You're right: I do take things to personally. And I am conscientious to a fault.

Maybe if an exclusionary NT could FEEL what that hurt is they would behave differently. Also, just because I'm autistic (& shy!) does not in any way make asocial or antisocial. I'm not.

I guess it's ok to add: I read a fairly recent post by NeantHumain (I apologize if I quote out of context, NeantHumain, not my intent). He basically wrote (w/ respect to having a girlfriend) that he wished he could 'have a personality.' Nonsense. Of course NeantHumain has a personality - and he's fun too. I think many NTs would be downright envious of his qualities. I felt sad that his confidence, like mine, is so hurt by others who are exlude since their tiny narrow parameters don't include different ways of being.


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spudnik
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16 Aug 2008, 1:12 am

Its kind of a sore spot for me, as a child I would have a so called friend invite me to a birthday party, well I would show up at the door present in hand, and get told at the door that I wasn't invited by the mother, I would have preferred never being invited to anything.



alyandrea
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17 Aug 2008, 5:42 am

i invited a bunch of people to my birthday party...free food and still only two showed up...and they are the two that spend the weekend all the time anyway :(
i've really wanted to have a party since we bought this house but every time i try it flops...i'm not sure what i'm doing wrong except maybe the people i'm inviting aren't friends so much as aquaintances and maybe i'm being too informal? i think i try too hard to be liked sometimes *sigh*



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23 Aug 2008, 12:43 pm

Dude, that happens to me all the time. I just assume it's because their parties (and just high school parties in general) involve drugs and alcohol, and they know I'm against that stuff.

The reason I haven't had my birthday party yet is some of my friends don't get along, but I don't want to just leave some of them out...


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Myles17
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23 Aug 2008, 6:18 pm

it happened to me because I would get invited all throughout elementary, middle school, and early highschool, but i would always reject their invitations because i was afriad that it would be outside of my comfort zone. From then on I never got invited unless it was a class party, or my close friends invited me. It hurts, but I've found that the more stuff I involve myself in, the more oppurtunities i have to make friends. Like don't just go to college and work, go to the gym or running at a park on a regular basis, and you'll see the same people over and over and eventually youll just introduce yourselves because you've seen each other so many times. I go running every night around 9 at this park and I see lots of the same faces and I talk to some people.



thedarkpassenger
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29 Aug 2008, 11:39 pm

mysterious_misfit wrote:
Should I not consider them my friends anymore? I feel pretty hurt.


I wouldn't consider them friends. They probably don't like you or they don't find your entertaining.
Not a big deal. Find some new friends if you feel hurt.



MemberSix
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30 Aug 2008, 1:30 am

thedarkpassenger wrote:
mysterious_misfit wrote:
Should I not consider them my friends anymore? I feel pretty hurt.


I wouldn't consider them friends. They probably don't like you or they don't find your entertaining.
Not a big deal. Find some new friends if you feel hurt.

Nice.



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31 Aug 2008, 9:06 am

When this happens to me, I feel devastated.


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