desperate NT girl who needs your help!

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I'm not sure how likely it is that he has AS, but your description sounds like he's really socially anxious.

Your story actually reminds me of the Big Bang Theory episode 6/17, where Lucy's anxiety makes here break Raj's heart.

IMHO, this guy is a textbook Aspie.

That said, we don't do subtlety. If you want to be his girlfriend, make it abundantly clear that you want to be his GIRLFRIEND. We have a hard time understanding the in-between phases of going from total strangers to being in a relationship. If you can absolutely eliminate any kind of doubt about your intentions for him, it's likely that he will do the same for you.

For us Aspies, or at least certainly for me, the #1 thing to remember is that we see things in black and white. We don't do shades of gray. Either we're in a relationship or we're not. We don't do "it's complicated", "I kind of like him", etc... essentially, we don't play the mind games that are so much expected as a normal part of an increasingly wide range of human interactions these days. Be as straight up as you can possibly be with him, and he'll be as straight up as he can possibly be with you. And if there's one thing Aspies are good at, it's being straight up honest.

I think everybody else gave really good advice. Here is what I have to add:

I would have given him longer than a day to figure out how to fit you in his life. Having a relationship is a pretty serious thing and it should take a while to think it over.

Also I think he was asking you if you were friends because he wasn't sure. I have thought several times in my life that I had good friends and I found that I was mistaken, and I think it is that way with a lot of aspies. Even if a woman wrote me clear messages about how she cared about me, I'm not sure I would believe it, because I've been lied to about this sort of thing before. I am pretty certain that he did not understand why you were upset.

I would find it very unattractive to dump me and then try to get me back. Immediately afterward. If you are able to change your mind so quickly about whether you want to be with me, what would keep you from changing your mind again? I would never be able to feel comfortable again around a woman who did that to me. Do not dump him again unless you really mean it.


Also, I am still wondering how women can be attracted to guys like this. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but I could not imagine any NT woman putting up with me doing any of the things this guy did (I tried very hard in High School to act like a NT, so I know why you were upset). Generally I expect 0 tolerance from women for my peculiarities, although there have been a few exceptions.

In response to the question about how long he should be expected to wait: My understanding is that the ultimatum was about having him figure out how to fit you in his routine so that you could be in a relationship. If his routine goes in weekly cycles, then it makes sense to me that he should have at least a week to figure out how to reset his routine. Although, after you've already given an ultimatum and gone back on dumping him like you said you would, I'm not sure that making another ultimatum would be a good idea. I actually think the idea of having an ultimatum was good, because it gives the opportunity to present your expectations in a clear and reasonable fashion, so long as you know what that is when you give the ultimatum.

In response to him having gotten over you already: Because you used very clear language to dump/reject him, he probably thinks that you really meant what you said. If I were him, when thinking about what my viable dating options were, I would put you in the same category as dead people, or animals, or inanimate objects. You did after all, tell him that it was over. That doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care that you dumped him. I have been in suicidal depressions before, and not even my own mother could guess that I was having anything other than a fine day. But maybe he really doesn't care.

I am curious why you felt someone you met was your soul mate. It sounds like it happened a bit fast, to me. How well did you really know him before you felt that way?

Also whether he is AS or NT I think he should keep promises to you and care about what bothers you. Not to call when he promised to, repeatedly, even after being told it bothers you a lot, is not a good sign. That doesn't get better with marriage and children. If anything a lot of guys will slack off even more, the more they feel you can't leave.

I guess I am asking you to look at him really objectively and ask yourself if you projected your own wish to find love onto him?

Just how much time do you want to spend on the phone with him? It sounds like more than an hour a day - maybe 3+!

That might be too much phone time for ANY man! That 20-minute break to "brush his teeth" is quite likely, "gawd I need a break from the unending chatter!"

Maybe you could fill in the blank there... I hate assuming anything.