self-treatment for Aspergers?

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Hi. I'm new to the site. I'm in my early 30's, married with 2 kids, and work in "corporate america". When I was a child I was in Special Ed. and was diagnosed as having several learning disabilities. Over the years, I've learned ways to cope with the LDs to get through school and get a job.

In the past few months I've learned about Aspergers Syndrome, and I believe I have it. I'm very bad with social interactions unless I specifically focus my attention on picking up social cues. My language is monotone, and on first encounters people often think I'm from another country due to my sentence structure, lack of inflection, and slow speed of speaking. I have very few facial expressions...I need to tell myself "now smile, now frown" to give feedback during a conversation. I'm known as being too honest at times in my comments to people.

Recently, it seems that my AS-like qualities are starting to really annoy my wife and hurt the marriage. Also, at work, I'm being put into more "managerial roles", and my lack of ability to pick up body language in meetings is starting to hinder my career growth. My children are a few years old, and I don't want them to pick up my social skills... I'd like to model the proper way to interact with others.

Here's my question:
For a person who has built a life (wife, job, kids), and doesn't want to openly acknowledge AS qualities.... how could I discretely practice and improve my skills to better relate and interact with the rest of the world? Are there any books to help one teach himself how to handle things?

When I'm focused on watching social cues, I can usually get by ok. However, it becomes exhausting after a while and I don't think I can keep it up constantly at work and at home.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Well, I can recommend one good book on body language (partly relevant to the corporate setting) at least. I read it and I found it was very informative and relevant to daily life as well;

http://www.bookworm.com.au/Book/The-Def ... 16070.aspx

I know that often the best way to improve communication is by trial and error, by observing others, and by learning to listen. Always ask questions, and listen to what the other person has to say. The hardest part about socializing for aspies is that we tend to be very self-centered. We tend to intensely focus in on ourselves to the exclusion of others. The best way I've found to improve is to consciously try to think outside myself and try to understand what the other person might be thinking or feeling. To listen to them and observe them really closely.

You sound a bit like me, at least in terms of the stage of your life.

First of all, does your wife know that you think you have AS? If not, you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her. You probably know this already, but being open and honest is absolutely crucial. She may not understand or relate to a lot of details about you, but that's okay. You're in the life journey together and you can't do this by yourself.

As a corollary to that, she probably knows many of the things that you have trouble with and can give you very honest, open feedback if you ask her for it. Not that you shouldn't do your own research, but you'll get much more targeted advice from her.

fiddlerpianist-

You've made a good point.

I've suspected my having AS qualities for a while but I never told my wife about my thoughts. On her own, she recently mentioned to me the idea of AS and how she thought I may have a mild form of it. That's what made me realize that my efforts to conceal and compensate have not fully worked. She has complained to me about my lack of facial expressions, and several other things. At least now she may be more accepting of it. But, in the past it has caused some friction in the marriage. I believe she'll accept it as "just me being me", but I would certainly be interested in practicing skills to improve. Improving my social skills would help both my marriage and my social life in general.

When I do remember to think to smile, laugh, and read body language, I can do it... but it's exhausting after a while.

That's how I figured this out and found Wrong Planet: my wife did the same thing.


You should know that you can't hide things from your spouse, even if you want to.


She would probably be thrilled to help you out with this. She probably wants to be a part this aspect of your life. That was difficult for me, too. When I found WP, for the first few weeks I had a tendency to sit in a corner on my computer in the evenings and read / post. When she'd come over to say hello, I'd switch the computer screen. I think I was trying to hide my current obsession from her. All I can say is that it is a bad idea.

She's reaching out to you, most likely because she mentioned it. There is no reason to inadvertently put a gulf between the two of you.

fiddlerpianist,

Just out of curiosity.... as an adult, have you sought a professional evaluation?
If you don't mind my asking, has your "discovery" changed your marriage?

I'm leaning towards not being tested or evaluated, but rather internally accepting the prospect of having it and handling it accordingly. So, I'm here to learn more about it

Mike_3026,

My "discovery" has been within the last month, but I've already learned a lot. I'll PM you the details... unless there are other folks interested in this thread?

Yes! I am in the same spot. For me, be open and honest about everything. I did, had along cry. We talked more that night then we have in 14 years. Now she helps me Daily. We watch tv shows together like "lie to me", very helpful.

I'm in a very similar situation with the OP - only I don't have children.

My husband was always very accepting of my eccentricities (even enjoying some of them), but it became easier for him once he understood the reason why I can't do things most people take for granted. He used to be puzzled by some of my reactions, although he rarely questioned me about it. Plus, he understands now that some of these things will only marginally improve and he changed his expectations.

You and your wife can balance each other and both use the other's abilities - I always ask hubby to explain me some of the hidden communication I don't pick up or motivations I can' identify with and he steps in in some social situations to make things easier for me. He asks advice when he needs my logical and organized mind, my excellent memory and the ability to accumulate huge amounts of information.

My marriage has always been good, but it was improved after finding out about AS - communication became easier and some of the pressure disappeared. Also, becoming aware of some of my AS traits I didn't see as a problem before, I became more tolerant and started to work on them.

As for the diagnosis - that's a very personal decision. I had a discreet conversation with a professional, just to make sure I'm on the right track. He told me he's pretty sure I have it and left it up to me to decide if I want an official evaluation or not. I'm fairly functional and I don't need financial support, so for now I don't see any reason to pursue an official diagnosis.

@fiddlerpianist - if it's not too personal, I would love to hear about your experience.

I would seek out some books on AS if I were you.
Also, Sallamandrina is spot on in terms of a lowering of teh expecations within a relationship. My ex and I actually split up because of my undiagnosed ASD. there may have been other issues, but there is no doubt my AS played havoc with his needs being met and with my son's needs being met and with some other things.

BUT since my dx (and I am not advocating one needs to get a dx. Rather, I am keen to encourage a discourse and more education on AS within the realm of your relationship.) It is this latter factor that has helped our family situation enormously. the transformations are astounding actually. A lowering of expectations, a reframing of how we operate as a unit, an understanding of my limitations and strengths, so i can bring the best to the relationship table. And the same for him too as the non-ASD partner. BUt we are working with the knowledge of what the issues are now. it is a relief.

My ex and are are still separated and we live under the same roof and co-parent. We are trying to rebuild from the ground up - starting with friendship and a new understanding of why I have been the way I have been. (I suspect I am more impaired than you as I cannot work in groups or 9-5 and require phenomenal amounts of solitary time.)
There is hope. there is some improvement to the quality of family life.

Hang around WP and also home in on the threads that offer guidance and support and shared strategies. I have learned so much that has helped me, here.

good luck on your journey.

There's not a lot you can do with your job. Aspies aren't well suited to most management roles and will often not only do a poor job but also be unhappy about being there. You could consider going into business for yourself if you really feel the need to career climb - alternatively, take a hands-on management role and enjoy that fact that this affords you more time with your family.

Have a read through Malcolm Johnson's Asperger Management site.
In particular, look at the case studies there.

http://www.aspergermanagement.com/

Good luck.