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Lightning88
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05 Jun 2009, 6:35 pm

sunshower wrote:
It seems to be related to anxiety to me as well as perfectionism. I don't seem to have the same problem getting started mostly, I tend to just dive straight into the deep end and break my neck on a rock. :lol: Then afterward, in the afterlife, I am inconsolable because the dive was short of perfect with one knee slightly bent. :lol:

Although I too was very very afraid to kiss someone for the first time, because I was unsure of what to do, and it took a mammoth effort to work up the courage to do it. There's so many social cues involved we could never hope to read, so I think the only way to go forward is to just jump in blind and hope for the best.

Maybe try kissing on the cheek first?


I think that could be playing a big role in this. I do have OCD, and it's always affected me. Even when I was just one and a half, I would take all the washcloths in the house and fold them all up into neat little piles. My mom said I did this daily. However, I can't stand routines and all that. When it comes to just doing something during the day, I just dive right in. So I guess it really does depend on what's going on.

The funny thing is in my mind, I can do all these things just fine (like kissing). But when it comes to actually doing it with my body, I just kind of lock up. Last time, I actually started hyperventilating. It was sooo embarrassing. My bf understands completely (God bless him), but he does want me to try and kiss him this summer before our trip is over. He lives in another state so we only get to see each other a couple times a year. I really hope I can get over this thing. Even when I'm not being pressured one bit, I'm still like this. I really, really don't want to be.



mechanicalgirl39
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05 Jun 2009, 6:37 pm

OregonBecky wrote:
MommyJones wrote:
This is so interesting because my son is the same way. He refuses to do anything unless he can do it perfectly the first time. I took him ice skating and he was doing so well, but he won't go anymore because it's hard. He won't learn how to ride a bike because he fell once. He also started spitting out words at exactly 3 years old. He went from no words to about 20 in a week.

I attribute this to anxiety and perfectionism. I feel bad for him because he has so much potential and he is just afraid to try.


My son would meltdown if he knew he wasn't handing in a perfect test. You're right about some aspy people being too emotional about perfection.


That's me.

I genuinely feel that I'd rather be dead than get a 2:1 degree instead of first class.


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sunshower
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05 Jun 2009, 6:43 pm

Lightning88 wrote:
sunshower wrote:
It seems to be related to anxiety to me as well as perfectionism. I don't seem to have the same problem getting started mostly, I tend to just dive straight into the deep end and break my neck on a rock. :lol: Then afterward, in the afterlife, I am inconsolable because the dive was short of perfect with one knee slightly bent. :lol:

Although I too was very very afraid to kiss someone for the first time, because I was unsure of what to do, and it took a mammoth effort to work up the courage to do it. There's so many social cues involved we could never hope to read, so I think the only way to go forward is to just jump in blind and hope for the best.

Maybe try kissing on the cheek first?


I think that could be playing a big role in this. I do have OCD, and it's always affected me. Even when I was just one and a half, I would take all the washcloths in the house and fold them all up into neat little piles. My mom said I did this daily. However, I can't stand routines and all that. When it comes to just doing something during the day, I just dive right in. So I guess it really does depend on what's going on.

The funny thing is in my mind, I can do all these things just fine (like kissing). But when it comes to actually doing it with my body, I just kind of lock up. Last time, I actually started hyperventilating. It was sooo embarrassing. My bf understands completely (God bless him), but he does want me to try and kiss him this summer before our trip is over. He lives in another state so we only get to see each other a couple times a year. I really hope I can get over this thing. Even when I'm not being pressured one bit, I'm still like this. I really, really don't want to be.


The most important thing is to try and stay calm, and not work yourself up into a state. Try to relax as best you can. And if you try to go straight for the lips you might panic because it seems like such a big jump. I seriously do recommend kissing on the cheek first, it's a good starting point.

Does you bf try to kiss you (rather than you kissing him) and you pull away? Do you feel you need to be in control of it? Or would you be able to go with it if he initiated? Maybe if so ask him if he could kiss you.

Sometimes what works is catching a person by surprise - like ask him to kiss you when you least expect it (make it fun and turn it into a game), and then you don't have the chance to work yourself up into a state of hyperventilation beforehand.


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pschristmas
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05 Jun 2009, 7:14 pm

I wouldn't say weird, just very cautious. My grand-nephew was a very cautious child and to a certain extent still is. For years, he absolutely refused to play in the tunnel playground equipment they have in places like McDonald's and Burger King. He wanted to watch the other kids play, but refused to do so himself. After a few years of watching, he finally decided to give it a go and loved them while he was still small enough to use them. It just took a little time. He's twelve now and still tends to back away from unfamiliar situations and watch for a while before joining in. It's just part of his nature.

Personally, I also take a while to warm up to new situations and people. I wouldn't say it's because of fear per se, just natural caution and not really being sure how to take people I've just met. It takes me a long time to warm up to people, especially.

Regards,

Patricia



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05 Jun 2009, 7:38 pm

I'm very cautious too. I don't like cooking something that I've never made before because I think I'll mess it up somehow. My mum can take a bunch of ingredients and create some fabulous meal. I can never do that.
I also don't like entering a building if I'm not sure of what's on the other side. I refuse to walk into Office Works because I don't know where the entrance is.
I also never learned how to swim.


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LovingTheAlien
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07 Jun 2009, 4:39 am

Lightning88 wrote:
I've never kissed him. Or anyone in that matter. The germs definitely do matter to me, but I think it's once again mainly one of those situations I'm unsure of.


Well, you already have germs - everybody does. But the bacteria are not pathogenic and nobody has ever become ill from kissing. Actually kissing can work wonders for your health - particularly psychologically - so no need to worry :-)

Remember, there is a first time for everyone, and everybody - even the most NT person in the world - has been insecure about doing it for the first time, doing it right and all that.
Besides, it won't be painful like falling off a bike. Kissing is a very pleasant sensation.
Good luck :-)



sjamaan
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07 Jun 2009, 8:15 am

This is an interesting discussion, I'm struggling with the same problems and I can definitely say they're anxiety/perfectionism related.

sunshower - you say you had the biggest problem to kiss someone for the first time but got over it somehow. I'd like to ask you: does it become easier to do after you got over this initial "hump"?



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07 Jun 2009, 9:35 am

Ok Lightning88...

Lightning88 wrote:
Okay, so here's the thing. Ever since I was very, very young, whenever I was uncertain about something, I'd absolutely refuse to do it, usually in fear of getting hurt or embarrassing myself.


I used to be VERY much like that, and sometimes still am.

Lightning88 wrote:
Here's my first example. Even though I could read at two, I didn't speak regularly until I was four after I took a few speech classes. Then I was speaking paragraphs at a time just all of a sudden. Before that, I'd apparently only say one or two words a year tops. However, I can remember thinking everything clearly and logically and I was very, very smart for my age.


Well, I apparently didn't have that problem with english, but I HAVE with other languages.

Lightning88 wrote:
When I was seven, I took swimming lessons. I had a fear of putting my face in the water because it hurt getting water up my nose and I can't stand pain. I was so scared, in fact, I actually broke out in this really bad case of hives one day just out of fear. I've gotten over that since then, but I still hate getting water up my nose. I really hate it.


I don't break out in hives, but I have done the same!

Lightning88 wrote:
Also, I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was fifteen in fear of once again getting hurt. I never had any balance issues. In fact, I always beat everyone in "the balance game" in class when I was little and I was always the best at the balance beam. I was just so afraid of falling down or off and getting hurt.


I learned earlier, but was the SAME way.

Lightning88 wrote:
Nowadays, even though I've been with my bf for two years now, I've never kissed him. Or anyone in that matter. The germs definitely do matter to me, but I think it's once again mainly one of those situations I'm unsure of.

Other than all of these things, I come off as very normal and no one would never ever guess any of them about me. So is this like really weird? Please don't tell me I'm the only one here dealing with all of this because it always seems like I am...


I've had similar problems. Congratulations about your boy friend. If he STILL likes you, puts up with your personality, and doesn't push you to go further, he is probably a nice guy that will be faithful, and is probably OK to kiss. Hopefully, after 2 years, you knnow things, like if he has HSV. Outside of things like that,, there is probably no real reason to be worried. I WILL admit though that 1/3rd of the US is supposedly affected by such garbage. Since I am NOT, it is a concern of MINE as well. I don't like those odds.

People USUALLY don't learn I am like that until later.



Last edited by 2ukenkerl on 07 Jun 2009, 9:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

2ukenkerl
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07 Jun 2009, 9:41 am

LovingTheAlien wrote:
Lightning88 wrote:
I've never kissed him. Or anyone in that matter. The germs definitely do matter to me, but I think it's once again mainly one of those situations I'm unsure of.


Well, you already have germs - everybody does. But the bacteria are not pathogenic and nobody has ever become ill from kissing. Actually kissing can work wonders for your health - particularly psychologically - so no need to worry :-)

Remember, there is a first time for everyone, and everybody - even the most NT person in the world - has been insecure about doing it for the first time, doing it right and all that.
Besides, it won't be painful like falling off a bike. Kissing is a very pleasant sensation.
Good luck :-)


I guess I wouldn't want to kiss YOU then! *****NOBODY**** has the SAME germs. MANY Bacteria ARE pathogenic! People have DIED from kissing! GRANTED, it is rare because most people either get a SLOW diisease(syphillus can take like 30 years), and may get cured before death, or a QUICK disease(one is being advertized as killing in 2 DAYS), and the vectors die soon as well. How can almost entire NATIONS die of a bacteria, and you still say they aren't pathogenic? Of course, VIRUSES are the worst.