aspergers relationship

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i dont know where to start with this, would just like an opinion from people who might understand. i myself do not have aspergers, but he does. i met him last year when i started working in the same place as him, and when i had to leave he asked me out, told me i was beautiful and everything and that he liked me alot and wanted us to be together, and so we started seeing each other. then, after a while, he changed, he started to be quiet and talk less, and one day his manager, who was a friend of us both, phoned me and said hed upped and left to a different part of the country, and was with his ex, who he has children with. i was devastated, because i love him. he got back in contact after a few weeks, and stayed in contact until he came back a month or so ago, only since wed, he has basically been ignoring me. i know he is in contact with his ex, cos he sent her a message telling her she had nothing to worry about regarding me, only he accidently sent it to me, and when i asked him about it he said it was only so he could keep her sweet to still see his kids. the thing is, he said he still wants to be friends, cos i asked him, but this ignoring me thing is suddenly confusing me, cos we only went out for a walk last sunday. i still want to be friends with him even if he doesnt want a relationship, and he said he did too. im just slightly confused and need a bit of advice, i do understand he thinks differently and he can only think of one thing at a time etc, just need advive. sorry if ive not made sense, ive actually not gone as in depth as i probably could. thanks everyone.

so much for aspie honesty-being in love sucks

yes, i whole heartedly agree. i feel like an idiot.

don't -I'm being cynical and I am absolutely the last person with competent relationship advice. If he is being dishonest it is not your fault and you are not an idiot for trusting him. I am a liar magnet-I stopped dating for years because of this because I wanted to be careful. The next one (my son's father) was the worst of all-actually told me he was dying ( the circumstances supported it-it just wasn't true)disappeared for days at a time-when I went into labor I had no idea where he was-drove myself to the hospital-he had a real good boy scout act going at first. I am afraid to date at this point.

He is using you.

That text alone would have been very upsetting and is a slap in the face. He's telling his ex she's got nothing to worry about while on the other hand, he knows he's got you as his support and shoulder to cry on. He probably knows you've still got feelings for him and is using that as leverage.

I can tell you're not quite over him yet. It will be hard, but I wouldn't want to continue a "friendship" with a person like this.

People are not disposable.

Sorry this happened to you Rachel. I definitely think you need to break up with this guy. If he was really in the relationship for your sake, he would've kept you in the loop. Make his ex happy? She's an ex. That's not how relationships work, he should only be worried about his kids, not her. Also he definitely shouldn't be keeping things like that from you, as much as this may hurt to hear he is only trying to worry about his own feelings.

I think one thing that could be said about aspegers imo anyway.. is that we believe what we believe strongly and that if he said he was worried about his ex keeping his kids from him, he probably meant that.

If you still want to stay friends with him, do it but don't stay stuck on him, do not treat it as a commitment other than friendship. You will not get anything more than friendship anytime soon.

You were not the idiot in this situation; you could not predict what would happen. Since you still care for him, it will be easy to start rationalizing his behavior, using the Asperger's for example. Because he is not being direct or saying exactly what is going on, you are being left in limbo, and I suspect he knows that you are available whenever he wishes to resume contact. If he refuses to communicate about the situation, or cannot, there is not much basis for a proper friendship.

It is your life and entirely your decision how to proceed. All I would advise, whether you choose to remain in contact with him or not, is to always be completely honest with yourself about the situation and your feelings, to state clearly what you find unacceptable, and to not rationalize any bad treatment.

I agree with the above sentaments. Aslo there are kids invovled so best leave well alone.

wow... well I would sit him down and tell him has nicely and directly as possible that you care about him but that he needs to settle his feelings for his ex before you can pursue a relationship on any leve with him. It's hard when there's kids involved and he needs to decide were he is with all that. if not he will drive you insane and you will always be guessing and 2nd guessing. if you can handle still being friends with him while he works it out that's up to you.... but i would make sure you keep it at a friend level until he is over her.

thanks everyone, youve all been saying basically what two of my friends , the manager who was his friend, and another firend have been saying, so i guess that many people cant be wrong. i just feel like i need to ask someone else who was completely outside the situation. i feel most hurt because i went and fell in love with him thats just stupid. also i didnt know he had aspergers when we met, and when he did tell me about it, i didnt really understand what it was.

the thing thats hurts most is the idea that he used me, my friend said he genuinely liked me, and she never lies, and i could probably cope with this better if i knew he did like me , even if he doesnt now.

hes been going back to her for four years now apparenly, at christmas, and coming back around april time, so i guess he will never break of with her. i feel really lost and confused. i dont understand why he keeps in contact with her, she beats him up apparently. =( i am a fool for still loving him.

Just judging by what you've told us of the situation, he probably does like you but is doing an awful job trying to balance the situation in an acceptable manner. He probably didn't mean to use you; he is probably trying to be loyal to a fault... to both people. That's where this gets really ugly.


Have they actually gotten back together, or is he just hanging around to be with his kids? If he says he's scared of losing contact with his kids, then he probably is and just doesn't know how to handle the situation better. His ex-wife sounds really abusive. It's likely that she doesn't accept him for who he is.

None of this is an excuse for his behavior, however, Asperger's or not. I just wanted to point out that he is probably not "stringing you along" intentionally. It's more likely he just has no idea how to deal with a complex social situation like this one, so he's doing a damn awful job of it.


As much as we may hate to admit it, love isn't rational.

He's definitely using you. Maybe he's read "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene.

don't beat yourself up.... you can't help sometimes how you feel about a person. you can help how you act it out. And I'm sure he does really like you.... sometimes ex-wives or babies mommas have a strong hold over the fathers of their children. They manipulate them to their advantage and will if they can. she may really know how to pull his strings. which is his problem, don't let it be yours. I wouldn't, however, be his #2 when she is not around. I would talk to him and tell him you care about him and will be there for him but he has to get on or off the boat with her first.

Yes, I agree... though you might want to approach him with an e-mail instead of the traditional talking method. It's generally easier for people with AS to collect their thoughts in writing and be less nervous and less likely to "shut down."

He has probably realized he screwed up big time and completely mishandled the situation, possibly without realizing exactly how. Therefore, I would approach him without judgment. and bring your concerns. Engaging in open and honest dialog (assuming he's willing to be honest with you) is the only way to heal these wounds.

definately? oh.