Does anybody else find certain individuals just exhausting?

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cyberscan
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16 Jun 2009, 2:27 am

I usually have to shake hands when meeting someone for the first time. I fake eye contact by looking at their forehead or hairline. Sometimes, I can even look at their eyebrows. I have to know someone or otherwise be comfortable around him or her in order to let them get close enough to hug or let them touch me.


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Alphabetania
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16 Jun 2009, 12:17 pm

I am uncomfortable with most new people's touch too, but I have no problem with eye contact. In fact, I have sometimes watched men so intently that they've got all shy -- and now I am talking about NT men. Sometimes it seems that people take it as a signal of romantic interest.

What does eye contact feel like to you?


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DonkeyBuster
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16 Jun 2009, 1:03 pm

Way to go, Drowbot, you survived another close encounter with the intimately disgusting. A Hero's Welcome for you!! ! :cheers:



activebutodd
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16 Jun 2009, 1:13 pm

Ohh god. You're not alone Drowbot, I lived with a Chatty Cathy flat mate for a bit. She was friendly and open to the point of TMI, constantly made noise, 'let it all hang out', constantly borrowing my things- I spent that time trying to cause her to haemorrhage through telepathy.



Last edited by activebutodd on 16 Jun 2009, 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Alphabetania
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16 Jun 2009, 1:23 pm

drowbot0181 wrote:
I have found that certain people, usually the REALLY outgoing chatty types, drive me nuts. I have to sit at a table with one such person, my mother-in-law, tonight. I find her just plain exhausting to be around. It's not the usual mother-in-law cliches that bother me, though. She is CONSTANTLY talking. She tries to force me to eat foods I specifically state that I do not like. She is always preaching to me about being Christian. There are so many little behaviors that just drive me nuts. Oh, and the WORST is that I have made it very clear that I do not like to be touched and yet she still insists on grabbing me, hugging me, poking me, etc. in a playful manner.
It is not just her, either. It seems to be a specific type of personality but I just can't figure out the specifics of it. It is like she and those like her set off every syptom of my A.S. all at once. I don't know if any that makes sense, but can anybody relate?

You know what, I don't think all outgoing chatty types would drive you nuts. I am one, and I bet you you'd find me tolerable.

Decades before I knew what AS was (or before I knew I was an Aspie), I had this affinity for shy geeky guys who have their noses stuck into computers all day and who don't have social skills. It did not initiate physical contact (hugs were always initiated by the other person); these geeks interested me sufficiently as individuals for me to not just spout my own opinions, but to enquire all sorts of interesting things of them, and I absolutely never forced anyone to eat something which he did not like, as I had an eating disorder when I was a child, and I remember what it felt like when certain foods revolted me.

I have managed too maintain good friendships with numerous shy people. Some of them like me to be chatty -- seems like it fills the space for them and makes them feel easy because they don't have to do it; but I am able to adapt my entire demeanour with those who withdraw when I get hyper (I have ADHD).

I think it comes down to the individual's sensitivity for another individual's requirements, and the ability to adapt. I certainly don't adapt that easily to most butch neurotypical men.


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Sallamandrina
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16 Jun 2009, 2:14 pm

Thanks for starting this thread! I feel so much less of a freak now, that's a relief...


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16 Jun 2009, 4:37 pm

Alphabetania wrote:
I am uncomfortable with most new people's touch too, but I have no problem with eye contact. In fact, I have sometimes watched men so intently that they've got all shy -- and now I am talking about NT men. Sometimes it seems that people take it as a signal of romantic interest.

What does eye contact feel like to you?


Eye contact feels like someone reaching out without asking and rubbing their hands on my face and neck. Not in a good way. That is to say, if my husband were to stare at me, it would have that effect but I'd like it, after all. If anyone else does, it's just way too personal.


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Alphabetania
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16 Jun 2009, 5:09 pm

irishwhistle wrote:
Eye contact feels like someone reaching out without asking and rubbing their hands on my face and neck. Not in a good way. That is to say, if my husband were to stare at me, it would have that effect but I'd like it, after all. If anyone else does, it's just way too personal.

Wow, I am so glad you told me that. I might have otherwise made a major faux pas with some other Aspies. For me it feels like I am giving, not taking, when I look straight at someone. I have a shy, non-Aspie friend and he also sometimes averts his eyes when he is stress, and then I deliberately seek them out with the intention of giving him a reassuring smile. Based on what you have said, I will make sure I never do that to an Aspie who doesn't like eye contact!

Do you feel the same way if you know someone is looking straight at you while they're talking to you, but you are not looking back? Does it still feel invasive then? I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable. I sometimes actually mimmick people's body language when I see they are shy, I mean, I "tone down" my natural hyper self. With traditional Xhosa men, I often avert my eyes, because eye contact signifies brazen flirtation or an inappropriate challenge in that culture if a woman does it. I would want to consciously ensure that I avoided looking at people if it makes people feel invaded.


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16 Jun 2009, 7:20 pm

I don't like too much eye contact, it gives me the creeps. And someone trying to catch my eye... ugh. Staring at me feels like I'm a bug under a magnifying glass... What do you want!! !

So you can see, direct persistent staring would make me want to get away from ASAP.

Glances work for me... nods, uh-huhs, smiles, long glance at me for the big points (no, I'm not looking at you, but my peripheral vision can tell when your face is directed towards me) then somewhere else... like when you're eating dinner with someone... you glance up, nod or smile, look down at your food, look at the table over there, glance at your dinner partner... you get the idea. :)

Sort of checking in, staying engaged without staring.



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16 Jun 2009, 7:24 pm

I don't like too much eye contact, it gives me the creeps. And someone trying to catch my eye... ugh. Staring at me feels like I'm a bug under a magnifying glass... What do you want!! !

So you can see, direct persistent staring would make me want to get away from ASAP.

Glances work for me... nods, uh-huhs, smiles, long glance at me for the big points (no, I'm not looking at you, but my peripheral vision can tell when your face is directed towards me) then somewhere else... like when you're eating dinner with someone... you glance up, nod or smile, look down at your food, look at the table over there, glance at your dinner partner... you get the idea. :)

Sort of checking in, staying engaged without staring.



redRTCrazy
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17 Jun 2009, 6:03 am

I'm a chatty cathy if I think people won't get annoyed at it. i wait for someone else to be chatty first. i don't mind body contact if I KNOW the person, it makes me feel loved. But if I don't know the person well and they're patting me on the back or shoulder or something, or if I just met them and they HUG me! I think it is extremely creepy. That happened once in a church. It made it feel like a cult closing in on me since it is very unnatural to hug someone you just met!!



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17 Jun 2009, 10:17 am

Alphabetania wrote:
irishwhistle wrote:
Eye contact feels like someone reaching out without asking and rubbing their hands on my face and neck. Not in a good way. That is to say, if my husband were to stare at me, it would have that effect but I'd like it, after all. If anyone else does, it's just way too personal.

Wow, I am so glad you told me that. I might have otherwise made a major faux pas with some other Aspies. For me it feels like I am giving, not taking, when I look straight at someone. I have a shy, non-Aspie friend and he also sometimes averts his eyes when he is stress, and then I deliberately seek them out with the intention of giving him a reassuring smile. Based on what you have said, I will make sure I never do that to an Aspie who doesn't like eye contact!

Do you feel the same way if you know someone is looking straight at you while they're talking to you, but you are not looking back? Does it still feel invasive then? I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable. I sometimes actually mimmick people's body language when I see they are shy, I mean, I "tone down" my natural hyper self. With traditional Xhosa men, I often avert my eyes, because eye contact signifies brazen flirtation or an inappropriate challenge in that culture if a woman does it. I would want to consciously ensure that I avoided looking at people if it makes people feel invaded.


A lot of Aspies do feel eye contact invasive, yes. I don't know that my reaction is common when it comes to conversation, however. I avoid eye contact and in fact human contact more than most, I think, these days. If someone is speaking to me, I just want them to stop usually. So the fact that they're looking at me just puts me in the uncomfortable position of knowing that they're expecting me to look back. Sadly, if I am speaking to someone and they don't look at me, I feel just as ignored as if I didn't do the same thing myself! So it's a burden, knowing that I'm being rude but yet feeling so desperate to just get away. But I wouldn't try to get someone to look at me who didn't want to. I don't really understand that.


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17 Jun 2009, 10:39 am

as soon as i become tired with a person's company, i exit it.

if i am out in the wider public, then i will tell them that i must go home and they will not challenge me.

if they are at my place, then i tell them they must go home. they will also not challenge me.

i do not let myself get tired of people beyond a limited threshold i have in my mind.
i tell then (when i have thought "over and out") that i am finished with the talk.

i let them know i am tired of them, and if they persist to try to talk to me, then they are trespassing on my consciousness in a way.
i do not react well to people insisting on my attention when i am not ready to give it.

i do not get exhausted by people because they can not consume me.



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17 Jun 2009, 11:30 pm

b9 wrote:
as soon as i become tired with a person's company, i exit it.

if i am out in the wider public, then i will tell them that i must go home and they will not challenge me.

if they are at my place, then i tell them they must go home. they will also not challenge me.

i do not let myself get tired of people beyond a limited threshold i have in my mind.
i tell then (when i have thought "over and out") that i am finished with the talk.

i let them know i am tired of them, and if they persist to try to talk to me, then they are trespassing on my consciousness in a way.
i do not react well to people insisting on my attention when i am not ready to give it.

i do not get exhausted by people because they can not consume me.


Then I guess my question is, do any of them ever try to talk to you again? Because I've been that abrupt with people in the past, believe me, and they generally don't trouble me after that. Ever. And they let others know. So it's really a "burning your bridges behind you" approach to socializing. As much as I dream of doing it sometimes, I think a lot of people really would regard it as being a tad extreme. And still another difficulty has always been that the really annoying people don't take the hint. Even if you look them in the face and tell them to go away.


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The world loves diversity... as long as it's pretty, makes them look smart and doesn't put them out in any way.

There's the road, and the road less traveled, and then there's MY road.


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18 Jun 2009, 7:35 am

Quote:
The world loves diversity... as long as it's pretty, makes them look smart and doesn't put them out in any way.



Love that. :D