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Michjo
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18 Jun 2009, 1:59 pm

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just let things happen naturally.

Yeah i think i was trying to say this in my post. Try not to analyse your relationship, things will just pan out.



Gromit
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18 Jun 2009, 2:02 pm

Kuroshokora wrote:
1.) She doesn't understand my need for privacy. She outed first herself and then me despite my insistence that she did not. She also casually tells people personal things about me or about our relationship.

I do see your point, I would have a big problem with that myself. Do you know why she doesn't respect your privacy? Does she not value her own privacy enough to understand why it matters to you? Does she not care? Does she simply have poor impulse control? I know a guy who has accidentally let drop enough private information about others that I am very cautious about what I tell him. I trust his intentions, I am not quite so sure about his ability to act accordingly.

Kuroshokora wrote:
Although I don't usually have strong anger when people talk back to me or insult me, I have quite violent bursts of emotion sometimes when I get riled, and she deliberately does this to try and get a reaction out of me. For example, she'll bring one of her friends in front of me and talk about how I'm a 'nutter' or whatever, and refuses to stop unless I react to her, like by pushing her away from me or poking her arm to get her to be quiet. It isn't a problem everyday, just in arguments when she deliberately tries to show me up by getting me to react in front of other people.

My brother used to take great pleasure in provoking me to hit him and then getting me into trouble. By the time I was 16 he could still do that by bullying others. Our parents always told me to ignore him, but when I was young I didn't have the self control to follow the advice. Even relatively recently on WP I didn't do as well as I want to. I had a long argument with someone who gradually came to annoy me severely. I tried to keep strictly to the argument and avoid annoying him in turn, but failed repeatedly. I ended the thread, thought about how I had behaved, how far it was from how I want to be, and got a better grip on myself. Some time later the guy came back and tried to provoke me in another thread. At first he seemed a little frustrated when it didn't work. That I found funny. After a few attempts he came to the same conclusion as I had, that we had better things to do than annoy each other. That I respect.

Your girlfriend must be getting something out of provoking you, apparently something to do with how others see her and you and her relationship with you. It looks like she wants you to demonstrate to others that you really are a nutter. Would it help you to remember that the next time she tries? I find if I see a pattern I have a chance to spot it when it starts. Then I have some influence over whether I let the emotion take over or whether I get a grip on it. Would that work for you? It should also change your girlfriend's behaviour. When you flip your lid, you give her something she wants. If you withhold that reward you must first expect her to try harder. If you then lose control, you are probably worse off than before, because you have merely escalated. If you can still resist the provocation, she should lose her motivation.

[EDIT]If you don't trust your self control, you could avoid the situation. When you see your girlfriend starting to provoke you, say "I think this could end up with me hitting you, and I don't want that. I think I better go away for a while." This is the best I can think of, the least likely to provoke her. I don't know whether it would be good enough. you decide.[END EDIT]

Letting her push you like that is destructive. It hurts you, it hurts the relationship you still have. Letting it continue might give both of you habits that could hurt future relationships with others. See if you can grow up faster than I did. This is a part of being young that is really not worth holding on to. (For some people it's not part of being young, it's just part of being :()

[EDIT] I see this may sound like I suspect your girlfriend of malice. I don't. I can come up with several alternatives. For example, she might be worried about losing you to someone else, and so she tries to make you look less attractive to others. If this were true (it's only a wild guess) it wouldn't have to be a deliberate strategy. I think many people do that sort of thing automatically, without really knowing what they are doing and why.

Someone on WP recommended this book. It's a good book.[END EDIT]

Kuroshokora wrote:
4.) After I was diagnosed with AS, she refused to talk to me about it.

You could try asking her why. She may not tell you, either because she doesn't know herself or because she is ashamed of the reason. If she does tell you, it could help. Perhaps she has a reason you can accept. Perhaps once you know the reason you can remove the obstacle.

Kuroshokora wrote:
She talks about how we're going to live together when we're older and how we'll be together forever, but I'm unsure as to exactly what I want.

Sorry, I have nothing useful to say about that. But we have more experienced people here who are quite helpful. Wait and see what comes.



Last edited by Gromit on 19 Jun 2009, 12:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

billsmithglendale
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18 Jun 2009, 4:15 pm

Great response, Gromit!



Kuroshokora
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19 Jun 2009, 4:07 pm

Gromit, thank you so much for your detailed answer. And everybody else who replied; you've all been so helpful.

Firstly, I think that she is very impulsive. I've had a conversation with her about this. She knows that what she does hurts me, but at the time she thinks 'this will be fun' and then whether or not she regrets it later, the damage has been done.

Because my emotions are naturally constrained and also because I do my best to manage them mindfully as well, I think some people (my brother is included in this) enjoy making me lose control, especially since people close to me know how to push my buttons and get me to respond. I honestly feel that she is provoking me to try and challenge my self control because she knows how important it is to me to control my life.

Despite all I've said, and I know I've painted her as quite a nasty person, she can also be very caring and supportive, which is why I don't understand when she goes back to treating me badly.

Sometimes, I don't think she even realises she's done wrong. She says sorry when I'm upset even if it isn't her fault, like she isn't sure whether or not she's done something wrong.

The last time I got really, seriously furious at her was because she was sending instant messages to another girl to tell her that she thought she was really pretty and that she had a huge crush on her. The reason I got so angry with her was because she casually told me this and then had no idea why I stopped talking to her.

I've asked why she won't talk to me about AS, and her response was 'it just creeps me out.'

I don't know if it's just me who is bad at reading her, or if she really is irrational. Because this feels completely dysfunctional and I don't even know how to save it. Yesterday, she was being so nice to me since we haven't spoken in days, texting me and saying she misses me and such, saying how much I mean to her. When she's nice to me, I feel like I don't want to let this go, but when I see her in person again and she starts playing up again... I'll probably change my mind.

I'm going to have to tell her there's a problem, but I don't know how to make her understand.



DW_a_mom
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19 Jun 2009, 6:44 pm

Kuroshokora wrote:

I don't know if it's just me who is bad at reading her, or if she really is irrational. Because this feels completely dysfunctional and I don't even know how to save it. Yesterday, she was being so nice to me since we haven't spoken in days, texting me and saying she misses me and such, saying how much I mean to her. When she's nice to me, I feel like I don't want to let this go, but when I see her in person again and she starts playing up again... I'll probably change my mind.

I'm going to have to tell her there's a problem, but I don't know how to make her understand.


When you are with the right person, which probably won't happen for years and years, so much of this just seems to melt away. It all just starts to feel "right." You peacefully and happilly get to know each other and read each other without stressing over any of it. It's hard to describe, but the "right" relationship will feel light. What you are describing here ... a strongly emotional relationship that isn't meant to be.

I don't know how you tell her. Carefully, tactfully.


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DeaconBlues
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20 Jun 2009, 4:55 pm

Reminds me a lot of my first marriage, before anyone had even heard of Asperger's. She would deliberately try to make me lose my cool, because for reasons I don't (or can't) understand, some people actually enjoy fighting and don't get that some of us really, really aren't into that. She treated me as if all of our problems were my fault, even the ones stemming from her - ah - creative reinterpretations of reality (okay, so she was a congenital liar). We never actually reached the point of physical violence, but I can't say the temptation was never there...

...and I was stupid enough to stick with that relationship for almost ten years, because I didn't think I could do any better. Turned out that the best thing she ever did for me was to dump me and move in with her boyfriend of six months, because that's when I met my current wife. She accepts me for who I am, and I return the courtesy - nobody's trying to reshape anybody into a "better person". There is occasional inevitable friction (humans are all moving parts in the machine of society, and sometimes the oil runs low and we grind together), but we've learned how to discuss the problems and move past them. And it's so much easier than the first one, I can't even begin to tell you. Ignoring your problems doesn't make them go away; it makes them worse.

Overall, I'd have to say that this doesn't sound like all that promising a start - she's not ready to accept who you are, and you don't know yet how to deal with people like her. My advice would be to take a break from one another, and see how that shakes out. You know that old saw. "If you love something, set it free," yadda yadda? It's a cliche, right? Well, the reason things become cliches is because they've proven true so many times that the "common wisdom" takes the form of a repeated phrase.

Trust yourself. You're sixteen, which feels like maturity to you because it's all the time you've ever known. I'm 45, and I can assure you that if this relationship is meant to be, it will benefit greatly from both of you growing up and learning more about yourselves and the world around you.

And I wish you all the best, in this and/or any future relationships...


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